So What The Hell Happened ???
The past year has been pretty rough. I broke a lot of promises. I made a lot of mistakes. I've been skipping a couple of classes. And I think I've been clinically diagnosed with depression.
Before people start feeling sorry for me, lemme just say that in no way shape or form am I TRYING to get people to pity me. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I WANT you guys to know everything, and I want you to know all the stupid mistakes that I've done. It's not only to lift a little bit of weight off my own chest, but to reassure you guys that I'm doing okay and that I'm not dead or something.
So: What the hell happened???
I unplugged myself suddenly from all internet/social media accounts in October of last year. I thought that would be the easiest way to solve my problems. I was overwhelmed with requests, school, and other personal issues, but I didn't want to face them. So I didn't. I ended up running away from my problems, which is probably the worst thing I could have done.
I believe I've had depression for these past 3 years, but it was only recently that my pediatrician talked with me about it. I had some...incidents happen that were caused by my depression, and because of that, I couldn't really bare to be around anybody in real life or the internet. I felt ashamed of myself as a person. I had myself convinced that the only way to solve my problems was just to not face them at all.
And obviously, that wasn't really a solution. In fact, the plan backfired. I truly think it actually ended up boosting or enhancing my depression rather than making me feel better. I had all these guilty thoughts on my mind...and at one point, I even thought about taking my own life. But that's not the case now. I've had a bit of a...revelation and I think it's time for me to stand up for myself. THIS is the only way I can get rid of the guilt.
So, where am I getting at, exactly? If some of you guys were close to me during last year, you'd probably know that I made a promise to get all of those art requests done, but I didn't. I broke a promise, a HUGE promise, and I'm deeply ashamed and disgusted in myself for betraying people that put their trust in me. I was naive to think I could have handled such a big task at such a foolish age.
Let me just say now: I take the promise back. It's been a WHOLE year since that promise, and I still haven't fulfilled it. I'm just gonna say it outright and say that there is no possible way that I can complete it. The people that made the requests would probably be to upset with me to even accept my art, and I wouldn't blame them. I mean, who spends one year trying to draw an art request?? That's crazy logic. It'd be a waste of time for both me and the people who requested me to draw for them if I decided to give them their artwork now.
Plus, they owe me nothing and I owe them nothing. It's not like they're paying for it, so it doesn't really matter either way.
I'm NOT going to be doing any art for anybody unless they do it by commission, which I will try to set up in the summertime, but for now, I will NOT be doing ANY MORE art requests. No exceptions!
Later on today, I will delete all previous artworks (except for art trades and art requests, of course) and start my account off on a blank slate. I hope you guys understand, but this is mainly for me. I've been suffering and been weighed down with guilt and regret for the past year. This is probably NOT going to benefit anybody else but me. I know that sounds selfish, but I really need this. I can't go on living with the guilt that I've been living with.
Thank you for reading and understanding. I hope you all have a nice day ^^