Trigger Warning? idk I mention people making jokes about self harming and some people might not like that? So uh yeah I just need to get this out please don't hurt me uwu

. . .

In my friend group, there are quite a few people who make jokes about self-harm and being depressed and such. It's common for people around our age (middle/high school) to talk about stuff like that, so maybe I should just toughen up or something.
I don't like this. Whenever people make jokes about suicide or anything similar, I start getting really upset, not because of what I've experienced, but because of what I haven't. Every time someone talks about something like this I feel really stupid and a little left out because I don't do these things. I've thought about it, but the fear of being caught has stopped me. I know this is stupid, I should just toughen up and learn to deal with it, but every time I try to ignore it I feel guilty, and when I acknowledge it instinct kind of takes over and I stay stupid shit and then everyone else gets mad at me, or worse, themselves.

I've thought about leaving plenty of times but I remember times where I've had no one, and I decide against it. This isn't healthy, I know, but I don't want to be alone again. I'm aware that "people will be there for me" and "if I need anyone to talk to they'll be there", but I know I'll just end up being a thorn in somebody else's side, and that isn't good for me or anyone else.