Hopefully no one sees this since it's like 11pM-

I think I'm just now realizing how shitty my Dad raised my brother and I-
Like I know I've been told he raised up wrong my entire life, but I think I'm just now seeing it...
Bro he would yell at my brother and I for the smallest things, spank up constantly, and would get angry easily. He legit made us hate our Mom even though he kept us from her and all she wanted to do was see us. He's caused so many problems and now he just doesn't see it... He always treated my brother and I different from each other. My brother's a boy, so y'know the "boys don't cry" kind of shit. He tried so hard to make my brother like him- I mean he was the first child, the "man" of the family, front seat, he got everything. Me? No I was the "little fragile pink" girl. "You're acting like your Mom. You look like your Mom. Don't be a bitch." Oh my step mom kicked me out of the house for a few hours twice in the same day? Mom told Dad but did Dad listen? Fuck no why would he ever listen to his ex? Because that's all he sees my mom as.
He was so fucking angry constantly. But he would also act so kind. It confused me and I thought it was normal. He'd run into walls after fights with his girlfriend at the time and when my brother and I saw, he'd just tell us to go to our room. My brother did whatever he wanted to me, and I let it happen. He would choke me, hit me, yell, ect ect. Because it's what we were used to. Hes only one year older than me but he's still so much better than me.
"Your brother gets his things done so why can't you? Your brother can do all of this so quickly and get good grades and his chores done but what have you done?" Well I sat there trying but I can't fucking focus and I'm scared to ask for help because every time I'd always get yelled at for not understanding. Why was everything always happening to me?? Why did my step moms not like me? Why did my step siblings not like me? Why was I never good enough for my dad? Why can't I ever say what I need to when I had therapy? Why can't I remember what happened? Why do I hate myself so fucking much?

Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had?

That's where my mom comes in. I love my mother so much and she's helped me with so much. Ive been living with her for so long and I'm happier with her than I was with my dad.
But she had her own mental problems, and she's good with hiding them and dealing with them like a good parent.
But I trigger her.
"Why do you even cut yourself? What are you stressed about? I give you love and a roof over your head you have nothing to be sad about. You didn't even have it that bad I had it worse. You're doing this for attention. You're not depressed. You are depressed. You're fine. You're not independent anymore you're just like everyone else. I'm just being honest I won't lie to you. You're doing what everyone else is doing."
I love her so much but that hurts so much...

And then I wonder why I hate myself. I wonder why I constantly insult myself. Why when someone asks me if I'm okay I always say I am because I'm terrified that they'll get mad at me, ignore my feelings, or won't even listen.

Because no one did before. But then I got the love and affection I needed but it was already too late. I'm still scared of talking to people even though I live with good people. It's all because I spent my first decade of my life with a man who made me feel insecure...

I'm sorry I exist.