Ello
this be a vent I wrote you don't have to read it I swear a lot sorry ;-; also there might be some triggering stuff such as concern about weight, and me ranting about one of my friends. This was from a while ago tho
But We haven't really resolved anything we just ignore it
Ok here
fucking fear
tearing me apart
the fuck is wrong with me
i am so sick and fucking tired of this shit
but i still hope no one sees this
see, this fear
you have no fucking idea how afraid i am
i never thought something inanimate could be so painful
when someone walks by, i can’t let them catch me writing this
i’m supposed to be doing homework right now but i fucking can’t
my attention span got beat up by the three dysphorias and left in a garbage can
i’ve been thinking-
why don’t i feel the need to watch my weight and shit-
figured it out- it’s cause i honestly don’t care
i mean, i do, but i don’t
i’m gonna probably cry or shit and get all bitchy when the doctor tells me to diet,
but i mean,
we’re all gonna die anyways,
and i might go quicker than most, so
who knows.
back to the subject though
it feels so unhealthy to hide so much-
maybe i don’t wanna tell people stuff because the reactions i know i’ll get
i mean, we all know i’m fucked up
what’s the point in actually stating it
people are astonished when i wear a fucking dress-
don’t want them knowing they’re contributing to my body dysphoria when they gasp
i’m sarcastic only because when i tell the truth, they’ll think i’m joking
and it works, usually
but i guess i don’t really tell the truth
not after what she did
gone and told her mom to call my mom because she thought my mom hated her
i don’t really got a problem with why she called, i mean it’s a stupid-ass thing to think, but
i’m more upset over the fact that she completely betrayed my trust- i asked her not to tell anyone
she was like, of course not, tell me fucking more
and then after the night me and my mom had the talk about it
i cried, by the way- fucking fear murdered me that night
she had the nerve to come up to me and tell me, my mom called your mom, as if i didn’t FUCKING KNOW ALREADY
I FUCKING BROKE DOWN
AND LATER SHE DENIED EVEN TELLING HER MOM TO CALL MINE
SHE FUCKING SAID THAT NEVER HAPPENED I DIDN’T DO THAT
WHAT THE FUCK
i didn’t tell her i broke down- i told her i knew, obviously, but i couldn’t tell her anything else- just cause
she’s so damn sensitive
if i say anything she doesn’t like, i’m done
she better not see this-
she better not fucking see this
shit, if she sees this- if anyone sees this
i’m fucking dead
i can ask her to dig my grave
it can say, here lies the fucker who couldn’t decide if they were a prick or a bitch
no one better see this
no fucking one better see this
my god, this is just another thing to add to the list of things that i don’t want my parents to see
oh damn this is actually pretty long-
shit
-11/7/21
Okay sorry
Imma go to bed now gnnnnn ill reply to stuff tmrw if there's anything ig
But We haven't really resolved anything we just ignore it
Ok here
fucking fear
tearing me apart
the fuck is wrong with me
i am so sick and fucking tired of this shit
but i still hope no one sees this
see, this fear
you have no fucking idea how afraid i am
i never thought something inanimate could be so painful
when someone walks by, i can’t let them catch me writing this
i’m supposed to be doing homework right now but i fucking can’t
my attention span got beat up by the three dysphorias and left in a garbage can
i’ve been thinking-
why don’t i feel the need to watch my weight and shit-
figured it out- it’s cause i honestly don’t care
i mean, i do, but i don’t
i’m gonna probably cry or shit and get all bitchy when the doctor tells me to diet,
but i mean,
we’re all gonna die anyways,
and i might go quicker than most, so
who knows.
back to the subject though
it feels so unhealthy to hide so much-
maybe i don’t wanna tell people stuff because the reactions i know i’ll get
i mean, we all know i’m fucked up
what’s the point in actually stating it
people are astonished when i wear a fucking dress-
don’t want them knowing they’re contributing to my body dysphoria when they gasp
i’m sarcastic only because when i tell the truth, they’ll think i’m joking
and it works, usually
but i guess i don’t really tell the truth
not after what she did
gone and told her mom to call my mom because she thought my mom hated her
i don’t really got a problem with why she called, i mean it’s a stupid-ass thing to think, but
i’m more upset over the fact that she completely betrayed my trust- i asked her not to tell anyone
she was like, of course not, tell me fucking more
and then after the night me and my mom had the talk about it
i cried, by the way- fucking fear murdered me that night
she had the nerve to come up to me and tell me, my mom called your mom, as if i didn’t FUCKING KNOW ALREADY
I FUCKING BROKE DOWN
AND LATER SHE DENIED EVEN TELLING HER MOM TO CALL MINE
SHE FUCKING SAID THAT NEVER HAPPENED I DIDN’T DO THAT
WHAT THE FUCK
i didn’t tell her i broke down- i told her i knew, obviously, but i couldn’t tell her anything else- just cause
she’s so damn sensitive
if i say anything she doesn’t like, i’m done
she better not see this-
she better not fucking see this
shit, if she sees this- if anyone sees this
i’m fucking dead
i can ask her to dig my grave
it can say, here lies the fucker who couldn’t decide if they were a prick or a bitch
no one better see this
no fucking one better see this
my god, this is just another thing to add to the list of things that i don’t want my parents to see
oh damn this is actually pretty long-
shit
-11/7/21
Okay sorry
Imma go to bed now gnnnnn ill reply to stuff tmrw if there's anything ig
