i’m just gonna talk
it’s 1 AM right now, and my mind is racing
It’s been 4 times now. 4 TIMES! I have tried to move on, constantly, but I can’t. 1 year. I needed him. I have him. There was... a rough patch a few weeks ago. He left. I cried. She was a snake. He came back. He realized his mistakes. I gave in. I love him. I’m insecure. That affects him. Me. Us. When I talk shit about myself, he tries to help, I ignore it. I go off and get mad. He gets upset and sad. I get sad. Then I feel bad. He goes away. He becomes depressed. My fault. He takes his pills. My fault. He grabs his gun. My fault. He comes to school alive. He is suicidal. I’m scared. I love him. He won’t leave, will he? Not again? Not for a second time? I know I did it before, but.. I was confused. That’s not an excuse though. The feelings were there in the back of my mind the entire time. 1 year. I’ve loved him for 1 year. That’s insane to me, and yet we have only been together for not even 2 weeks. If you add all of the other times up though, thats almost 4 months. Not enough. I’m not enough for him. He always talks about other girls and their bodies. I mean, not a girl specifically, just girls in general and how “Thick” they are. I am far from that. I look like a boy. I’m the reason his sexuality is questioned. I’m the reason he is sad. I’m the reason of his pain and suffering. I do absolutely no good. I am a mistake. I should’ve just killed myself the first time. Why didn’t I dig harder? Deeper? Hide somewhere else? Run out into the middle of the road then? Pretend I was going to go get some peaches or something. Let a car hit me. DIE. i should not be alive i should not be alive i should not be alive i should not be alive i should not be alive
I can’t leave him though. I will stay alive for him. Only him. Once he’s gone, I will not live. I will die. Not because of him. Because of my thoughts. My mistakes. My pitiful efforts. I am broken. A mirror that’s been shattered. There is no fixing after everything I’ve been through. What value is there in my life? Not a single penny. I AM NOT WORTH SHIT AND YOU CANNOT TELL ME OTHERWISE
Fuck off
Fuck off
Fuck off
Fuck off
Fuck off
Tell them to FUCK OFF
They are so loud
I can’t think
Why can’t they just go away for a second? Let me have silence for a moment. Peace. Please. My head hurts. I’m tired, but not at the same time. I do not want to sleep, for fear they will be there. The shadows, I keep hidden with dreams that are lies. I do not dream. I suffer. If you could cut my skull ipen, you would see a brain if course, but if you could actually see what’s there, it would be filled with insecurities, horrible thoughts, intense imaginations, demons, all of that edgy shit.
I
Do
Not
Matter
It’s been 4 times now. 4 TIMES! I have tried to move on, constantly, but I can’t. 1 year. I needed him. I have him. There was... a rough patch a few weeks ago. He left. I cried. She was a snake. He came back. He realized his mistakes. I gave in. I love him. I’m insecure. That affects him. Me. Us. When I talk shit about myself, he tries to help, I ignore it. I go off and get mad. He gets upset and sad. I get sad. Then I feel bad. He goes away. He becomes depressed. My fault. He takes his pills. My fault. He grabs his gun. My fault. He comes to school alive. He is suicidal. I’m scared. I love him. He won’t leave, will he? Not again? Not for a second time? I know I did it before, but.. I was confused. That’s not an excuse though. The feelings were there in the back of my mind the entire time. 1 year. I’ve loved him for 1 year. That’s insane to me, and yet we have only been together for not even 2 weeks. If you add all of the other times up though, thats almost 4 months. Not enough. I’m not enough for him. He always talks about other girls and their bodies. I mean, not a girl specifically, just girls in general and how “Thick” they are. I am far from that. I look like a boy. I’m the reason his sexuality is questioned. I’m the reason he is sad. I’m the reason of his pain and suffering. I do absolutely no good. I am a mistake. I should’ve just killed myself the first time. Why didn’t I dig harder? Deeper? Hide somewhere else? Run out into the middle of the road then? Pretend I was going to go get some peaches or something. Let a car hit me. DIE. i should not be alive i should not be alive i should not be alive i should not be alive i should not be alive
I can’t leave him though. I will stay alive for him. Only him. Once he’s gone, I will not live. I will die. Not because of him. Because of my thoughts. My mistakes. My pitiful efforts. I am broken. A mirror that’s been shattered. There is no fixing after everything I’ve been through. What value is there in my life? Not a single penny. I AM NOT WORTH SHIT AND YOU CANNOT TELL ME OTHERWISE
Fuck off
Fuck off
Fuck off
Fuck off
Fuck off
Tell them to FUCK OFF
They are so loud
I can’t think
Why can’t they just go away for a second? Let me have silence for a moment. Peace. Please. My head hurts. I’m tired, but not at the same time. I do not want to sleep, for fear they will be there. The shadows, I keep hidden with dreams that are lies. I do not dream. I suffer. If you could cut my skull ipen, you would see a brain if course, but if you could actually see what’s there, it would be filled with insecurities, horrible thoughts, intense imaginations, demons, all of that edgy shit.
I
Do
Not
Matter
