hi! So it’s currently almost 2:30 am and I wanna die,, I have just had, yet anOther panic attack and I don’t know I can’t take it anymore
it’s been a combination of things lately like, I’ve been feeling really self conscious lately, and I’ve realized how utterly uncomfortable I am in my body,, and I’m just ugly, and intolerable and rebarbative and I always feel like everyone hates me,, like you know when you make a joke and you start laughing really hard but nobody else gets it and it’s kinda embarrassing-? Well, I’m kinda feelin that but worse, and all the time. I dunno I feel like I’m taking a multiple choice quiz but all the answers are wrong
like it doesn’t matter which one you choose it’s always gonna be wrong and no matter what path you take in the end your gonna fail
I just feel like everyone acts like I’m a nice person and that I’m their friend but they’re not and they talk about me behind my back and they hate my guts and I annoy them to bits and they’re just friends with me because they feel bad that everyone else feels the same
And ack I’ve been having a severe sense of thanataophohbia which is fear of death (including like death of other people, and loss of objects close to you) and my head gets numb every time I think about it,,
when I was a kid like 4-6 years old I lost a bunch of stuff, my rabbit died, both of my birds died, my parents gave my dog away, my brothers died, and I didn’t really understand it, like oh uh oh well they’re dead what can you do, but it’s like I threw a boomerang and it’s just hitting me right back in the feels today, that reality that everything around you will die eventually and you cant do anything to stop it, you just have to hold on to them while you can. Sorry for taking up space,, I just needed to get this off my chest,,