I hate this I hate myself so fucking much it's not even a joke I just hate myself
It doesn't matter what I do I help people and they thank me and then I'm over here feeling so shitty and I'm scared as fuck to even tell anyone because I'm afraid no one will listen
I'm afraid my mom will take away my phone or pay a therapist wasting money because I never know what to say when I do see a therapist
I help people everywhere I go and when I need help no one's there
Its happened so much to the point where if I show any negative emotion I am terrified no one will take me seriously or they'll ignore me or brush it off
I fucking trust people on the internet more than my own mom who tells me I can trust her and she's helped me so much but I still

I still hate myself

I still hate every word that comes from my mouth. Every action I do. Every step I take from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep.

I don't want to kms I wish I was never brought into this world in the first place. I fucking hate myself so much I don't know what to do.
I don't even allow myself to cry because it's a sign of weakness, that I let shit get to me, that I know I should be better than this

And everyone deserves so much more, so much better than me.
Because all I'm here for is to be stepped on.
That's all I am. Use me. Tell me I'm nothing. Tell me that I won't be anything until I meet your standards. Please all I want is for you to be happy
I don't care about myself and I don't need to all of the hate I have is towards myself so you'll never see me hating you.
Im a good kid I swear I'm sorry if you don't trust me I keep fucking it up I'm sorry I really am.

You have no idea how sorry I am for being here. Just existing. You have no idea. I've prevented so many suicides and I've helped people move forward, I was that shoulder to cry on when you had your best friend died and even though I didn't know your friend, I was still there for you.

I was there. I was helpful right? I helped right? I made them motivated when they couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I'm a good kid right? I won't ask for anything in return because I tried years ago and got nothing.

I'm a good friend right? Please tell me what I need to do to make you better please I will throw everything away for you, for anyone. I don't need it. I don't. And you know I'm happy.

I don't care what you tell me to motivate me. I don't care if you say my life is worth it. I don't care because I was the one who told those exact words to so many people. It's useless to me. You can tell me anything to try and make me feel better. But nothing will work. Because I was in your shoes telling all those people the same thing.