Can't be helped.
There are times when I can hold it in and there are times where I just need to talk about it.
I don't like venting, it makes me feel like I'm just asking for attention, or as if I want pity from people.
But sometimes, it can't be helped.
So that's why, ignore this. If you choose not to, well, alright.
But mind you, and this is a warning, there's a lot of heavy stuff.
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I hate it when I'm a hypocrite.
I always tell people "It's okay, it'll get better, don't think of yourself like that, don't hurt yourself because it won't help at all, it'll only make things worse"
But look at me, hating myself for everything I do, because i'm so stupid and irritating and a fucking hypocrite.
I try to pass day by day with a bright smile and an attitude that won't give away those ugly feelings I have inside because then not only would I hate myself, but everyone else would too. And that's what I'm afraid of.
I don't want everyone to hate me.
I don't want a n y o n e to hate me because I know I would offically break then.
And yes. I know what it feels like to hurt yourself. I've been there, and sometimes I still think about it.
But I never hurt myself by cutting. I always hurt myself by punching things until my hands bled, and I didn't care when my mom saw my bleeding knucles and palms because I usually was just so done with everything, I didn't care at all while she yelled at me and sometimes slapped me for self-harm.
It helped because I let my stress go with those punches.
And yeah. I used to get into fights myself when I was younger. I had a lot of issues and people just pissed me off just as easily. Those were terrible times because everyone was always so disappointed in me. It hurt.
It always hurts.
I hate it when people are disappointed in me.
I hate it when people hate me.
I hate it when people are upset because of me.
I always hated it.
But I never had an outlet other than punching things.
I knew people would see and question it if I cut myself. So I punched things so it would seem as if I got into another fight. It was normal back then.
You may be asking now, "Then how are you so optimistic all the time? You seem alright to me."
Well. Thanks. I try to seem that way, and sometimes it works.
But I can't try now.
Not right now.
"Then stop writing it here you attention-whore"
"Get some actual help"
"Go away, you're so depressing"
I know.
I know that.
I tried to get help but you can't get much from an island that's already broken.
There aren't even many doctors anymore here.
Police are quitting because they don't get paid as much anymore.
My island is at its worst and its the peoples fault for that, so my problem is so, so insignificant compared to that.
So I hide my pain and pretend everything's okay.
So that everyone else would think it was okay.
Even if it's not.
Even if they all know it's not.
Pretending that everything's okay is the only solution so far, it's the only thing keeping us all going.
But today, I got too stressed.
I got too upset.
I'm still deeply upset.
But I don't want to hurt myself yet. Not after a whole two years of staying away from punching things to relieve myself.
So that's why I'm venting.
To not do that.
To make me a little bit less of a hypocrite.
Sometimes I just want to hear that it'll all be okay, the encouragement helps.
I never got that from my mom, though.
My sister is so smart she knows that everything will not be okay but she pretends it is, even though at times I hear her crying in her room.
My dad always knew it was never okay, so he left.
My dog probably knows things aren't okay either.
So why do we pretend?
To feel like it will be okay.
But today
It's not working.
I want to get out.
I want to go and just surf into the ocean and never come back.
I want to lose myself in the deep water and just, never surface.
But I know it won't help.
I know that.
But sometimes, it can't be helped.