I got caught on Discord AGAIN and I wish Ren sees this, or Harley
But please, if you do, please don't share this publicly in the server. My mom is banning my phone and is checking the family server, kick me out of Prez's server where he sghares personal stuff too where I shared my face too, please I beg you-
And I'm sorry but I'm going low. A month or two, sorry if I'm going to miss our 1 year anniversary aaa-
Bye guys, ill be back I swear

so, hi there another update
I feel like I am making a lot of updates-

so, I am going to take a break in Discord and probably just social media in general. My mom found out I chatted on Discord, didn't really punished me, but she may sort of guilt trip me for it, so I am going to take a break from everything. I'll be online at some social medias yes, but probably not chat or just comment.

I also may do story times here and there or maybe talk about something, like my favorite music genres or music bands (including solo and not), what I have been doing, etc.

so yea, I am going to take a break but I am online and be aware that I am stalking you all and reading your replies to my topics 👀

+ Story Time +

I just decided to check out Cavetowns channel and let me give you some backstory about why I have this theory-

I'm going to talk about self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but remind you that this isn't a vent, I am just giving you backstory on the whole situation.

Me and Cavetown's songs have some weird ass connection. Like, the first song that I knew from him was Lemon Boy (which is how I got inspired to name one of my Among Us personas Lemon Boy). And then not so long I met someone that could be called a Lemon Boy (but she's a girl, 'kay?). And yea, we did have some sort of toxic yet not-so-toxic relationship, she was my best friend actually.

Then not long again, I discover his song Green. Which you all know how that went- then I forgot what song was next but I started to get in my Cavetown phase.

This whole coincidence (may or may not be a coincidence idk), I discovered the song Sharpener. Which was talking about people dealing with self-harm thoughts or self-harm, or maybe even hurting people feelings because they were egoistic, but mostly the self-harm. Well, a month after or so, I was dealing with self-harm thoughts and attempts in self-harm.

Then he released a song names Let Me Feel Low, which was a song about someone that was accepting that they were in an unhealthy mental state, and doesn't want to get better, but they eventually does. That's what I felt after the whole self-harm month.

Then he released the song *again*, with a collab with people making the video. Surprisingly, literally the next month I went through another phase of accepting my suicidal thoughts and hoping to not get better, but I eventually do.

THEN HE GODDAMN RELEASED THE SONG SHARPENER WHEN I WAS DEALING WITH SELF-HARM THOUGHTS IN THE SAME MONTH, ***AGAIN***.

And that's when I thought, every song that Cavetown is going to release next, is going to be a song of what experience of what I am dealing with next or experiencing at the time, basically his songs are telling me to prepare for the next battle and the songs are there to comfort me, since almost every song I heard for him are my comfort songs or escaping songs.

Now he released Paul which I think is about couples meeting each other in not a good mental health state or couples that are dating each other for a while and both are dealing with a not so good mental health state, or in short, toxic relationships. And I am legitimately scared- but the song is really good, so I may also comfort myself to it.

Oh well, if I am going to cry myself to sleep with the song, might as well make a story about it. I am working on a new Wattpad book of oneshot stories, they might have continued parts but who knows? So yeah, that's the story-

I just think the whole Cavetown thing is a really cool stuff and I am really interested into what songs he'll release next.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, also I am okay now in the whole self-harm and suicide thoughts thing - they all passed long ago and I am just v i b i n ✨ okay bye now! See yall, I'll try to make daily updates!

this is the last update of my tablet (also sorry for caps I am just really excited-)

WE GOTTEM, right when my mom was in the bathroom to do something (I had a test today so she was pretty calm if I was silent since I needed to focus) I went to my grandmother to ask her and vent her to her about my problems and she was pretty pissed at my mom since like- yea stuff (no need to really give me pity, it was my fault too since I have promised to her about not disobeying and I did, and it's been like 2 or 4 years like that so she was tired of my tablet and smashed it)

I forgot how it really looked like when she destroyed it but damn let me tell ya- yknow phones have those protective screens right? yea, it only had destroyed the protective screens as I can see it (it's pretty thick in the middle so thank god-). and she did sort of destroyed the sides of it since I saw one of the machinery parts of it show (my tablet had a thin coating of metal or whatever material they used to coat the tech behind the screen). the back was surprisingly alright, the outsides weren't so damaged, only a few holes but none really went into the tech, it just made bumps (the insides are probably broken but who knows?)

special thanks to my grandparents for helping me search for it and helping me clean it! so yea, hEHEHEhE they helped me with hiding it from my parents at their house since our house was connected and now I don't have to worry of trying to hide it in my room now! :D

so yea that's it
told you I'll actually do it

I'M ON A MISSION
I'M GOING TO GRAB MY TABLET FROM THE TRASH, I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF IT'S DIRTY
I HAVE TIME TILL MONDAY UNTIL IT GETS GRABBED BY THE BOY WHO GRABS THE TRASH, AND I CHECKED IT AND IT'S STILL IN GOOD CONDITION
I'LL ACTUALLY DO IT LMAO- just not now since my mom is very focused on what I am doing so
I may hide it, but if my mom founds it, I'll probably be grounded or something or she wouldn't even care
I'll try to repair it in the future (the insides weren't damaged, just the screen and the back but it only had holes)
my tablet is so goddamn strong, I literally slept on top of it for a night and it wasn't even damaged bro-

so my mom smashed my tablet with a hammer (it's gone on the trash now)
and I am loosing my shit. currently praying as hard as I can for god to turn back time to that day (it was right at my anniversary, so I'm loosing my shit even fucking more) I have some hopes since I dreamt about it so it may actually happen. (back then I sort of experience a turn back time when I was young, which saved me a lot so I hope it'll happen hopefully again)
so uh, yea, I lost my 4 years of drawing.

this is sort of a vent so uh
I am more sad that I lost my tablet, not the arts, since I know it'll go sooner since it's old. I'm just sad since it held me close and made me really happy whenever I cried, it was like a friend to me. whenever I felt sad and whenever I had no one, it was there for me to comfort me and make me happy with songs and just existing since it gave me a lot of childhood nostalgia. I just want to hold it with my arms once more, that's all I want. I never really use it for drawing anymore anyways, just to listen to songs and meditate myself, it was my own therapist. and now I lost it, so I am loosing my shit harder than anything else. I do not hope to move on, but rather to go back in time and have it in my arms again, that's all I want. so yea, I'll be nonstop praying from now on.

ugh fuck this whatever, I regretted venting on the family server since either no one fucking cares or just responds in the way that I didn't wanted to, or give little words and shit idk man im so fucking tired aocpasc. and I have someone that I am slowly starting to hate on there too so, yeah, don't want to vent there. trigger warning: mentions of suicide and self harm





I am so fucking tired on living I swear to fucking god, I just want to die. how can people be so easy to cut their arms and veins and just slowly die while I have no fucking guts.

I am so tired of being told here and there, I just want to lay down and slowly perish to nothing, I don't wanna live anymore. a few days ago I was already tired of doing shit and got yelled at by my mom and now tbh the littlest things make me so fucking pissed. it's so bad to the point I think making that person on-live looks at me as I kill myself would be something I want to do since I wanna fucking scar them for life. I tried cutting myself with my razor blade that I got from my grandparents with the reasons to cut some shit on (they never knew I was suicidal or will do anything like self harm) and I tried to test it on paper and it did work, it was sort of new, I rarely use it so it was sharp. but for some reason it didn't worked on my feet, I had no absolute guts to cut my arm so I decided to go to my feet, since this whole self harm was more to be something to relieve stress. I tried to cut it so bad, I went over so many times and it didn't worked, I had no guts to push it in or make it deeper and shit and I just didn't ended up doing it and I felt like a fucking pussy.

okay second vent, I feel numb these days. I don't feel like I am loved, and shit. I know I keep on venting about this but I just don't know what to do. all I want is to have someone that's like always online and who I can chat to for hours and hours with almost no end sometimes and I just don't have that anymore.

at first, it was all about romantic attraction and some shit. at first I wanted someone to cuddle and kiss and just to caress me with their love, but it's so bad that I feel like I have no friends anymore. friendship disgusts me, just by hugging I get disgusted.

my parents hugged each other in front of me probably yesterday, and I just, gave them the most confused-disgusting-hatred look at them. people hugging is like something that fucking triggers me.

and I have been in a new phase, since it hasn't gone away for a long time now (usually phases goes away for a day or three for me, this was probably a more than that). it's the acearo or asexual phase. I know, i know, asexual isn't a phase or something like that, it's a sexuality I know, I know. I just feel- like sex is something that humans aren't suppose to do. I get really disgusted when someone mentions NSFW and when they point out the female or male body parts, it's like whenever a sex ed teacher would point out the genitals and stuff, and I'll be here to and think it's fucking perverted and some shit. I just really hated love since it has treated me so fucking badly, I hated having feelings for someone, I hate having the feeling of longing, I hate that I want someone to be by my side, it all feels like I'm going to be single forever and I just hate that feeling. i really have considered, and did my second planning on killing myself (back in 2020 I did the same on my birthday so that people won't really celebrate my bday since I hated having bdays at that year, because I didn't feel special, so whenever someone **before my bday was celebrated** mentions anything about my bday plannings I'll get really triggered and stuff (i'm over it since it turned up to be a good day, and someone technically saved me. don't know if I should appreciate that or not anymore ♥) and I am now planning on when i should kill myself **again** since I am too tired with this shit anymore.





okay I'm done. now don't mind me I am going to listen to another song that I found and prob make a vent out of it, bye.

I really like their new update! It looks really neat and it looks amazing too! After all, I love it! It feels so refreshing for some reason, haha! :D

~~~

Tumblr:
ashleydrawer

ArtFight:
Ashley_Drawer | https://artfight.net/~Ashley_Drawer

Discord:
LachlanGalle123#4993

Wattpad:
AshleyDrawer

Email:
ashley.work213@gmail.com

2nd Youtube ( shitposts and wips ) :
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIBS...

Discord Server:
https://discord.gg/5sfvWjs

okAy sO
you may see that i am not even posting the adopts or even anything
i have been busy in school and stuff and i am to lazy to even art a bit
so, i may go on a short hiatus and i dont really see the point in going to medibang everyday
i may join chats or not idk
anyways, hOw dO yOu tITle tOpiCS heLP mE

My brother wanted me to draw baby shark on the computer
So i did

Okay so,
Uhm. I just got out of the shower, AND WHEN I WAS IN THE FUCKING SHOWER
TAKING A SHOWER OFC
THIS
THIS MOTHERFUCKER, JUST CRAWL UP TO MY FEET LIKE IT WAS FUCKING NOTHING
you know those big-ass, worm looking shits that have million of legs?
THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS
THEY ALSO DID THE SAME TO ME IN 2019
THIS IS THE SECOND TIME
IM NEVER GOING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, WITH A RELAX MIND
IM GOING TO KEEP MY EYES OUT, FOR THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS AGAIN
I STG I WAS SHOCKED-
I wasnt bit tho so ye
But
W h y -

I finally got my bracelets back!!
I love these bracelets uwu
Expecially that they are my favorite color
Ihaven'twearthemforsolongomgimissthem-
Also, hand reveal