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How's my poem for the comic

Hi guys, I just need to know from your opinion. I am doing a poem for my comic in last chapter and I need to know how is this. I know this is my first time doing a poem and it may suck or not but I just need your help please. How is this when my character reads the poem at the end of chapter :

The world that shrouded my existence was gloomy, gloomy as ever,
As I(1) am a stone wouldn’t move even an inch,
I exist where no light shall pierced through the empty darkness,
Lonely, pain, and frustration I felt,
I howled, as my voice echoed through the surrounding,
In return, the sound of stridulation are the laughter of my failure,
My city, my people, my king,
Vanished from my hands like sand.

As I am once saved, I met a human goddess,
Young as an immature bud of flowers,
Who showered a devil with love(2),
This love, so fresh, so real, that makes it feel whole again,
This goddess, gave me reason,
Why must I live,
Why must I protect,
Why must I be a stubborn knight who doesn’t understand the word “ give up” despite learning it over again,
That goddess, her name….,
Is Olivia Flynn.

Olivia, it’s been many years,
I’ve seen you how much you’ve grown,
You(3) have a crippled confidence,
A soul with hopeless courage,
A pen who cowers in fear,
Watching you like this,
Shatters my soul of joy,
As time move like a restless cheetah, you slowly become a swan,
A swan that was possessed by grace and beauty,
A swan who gets feisty for her love one,
A swan who is a wild card that never ceased to surprised me.

And now Olivia,
As you are reading this,
My words in here will be a voice speaking to you directly,
This is the time where I must ask you one question.

“Will you marry me?”

Will you be my queen in chess?
Where she fights in a war to protect her king,
Always staying by king’s side forever(4),
Unwilling to marry anybody but her one true love?
This ring is a prove to my love to you,
Our heart and soul binds together,
Where we spend for all eternity.
This ring will be my voice to you:

“ (1), (2), (3), (4) ”
Comments 2
  • Insanebaker92
    > TitanPega
    I know what I am doing tbh, i wanted to use them in the final chapter of my comic. But ok, i'll shorten it. thank you for your opinion
  • TitanPega
    I have no clue about poems or proses, but as a reader I would find it very long and hard to read. While there are songs and poems in literature, they usually are accompanied by several instances e.g.: Lord of the Rings has many singing dwarfs and hobbits and DDLC focuses enitrely on poetry.
    In those cases having long poems makes sense, but if your manga does not have that theme then you should shorten it. An example is like Archer's poem in Unlimited Blade Works.