Trigger Warning? idk I mention people making jokes about self harming and some people might not like that? So uh yeah I just need to get this out please don't hurt me uwu

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In my friend group, there are quite a few people who make jokes about self-harm and being depressed and such. It's common for people around our age (middle/high school) to talk about stuff like that, so maybe I should just toughen up or something.
I don't like this. Whenever people make jokes about suicide or anything similar, I start getting really upset, not because of what I've experienced, but because of what I haven't. Every time someone talks about something like this I feel really stupid and a little left out because I don't do these things. I've thought about it, but the fear of being caught has stopped me. I know this is stupid, I should just toughen up and learn to deal with it, but every time I try to ignore it I feel guilty, and when I acknowledge it instinct kind of takes over and I stay stupid shit and then everyone else gets mad at me, or worse, themselves.

I've thought about leaving plenty of times but I remember times where I've had no one, and I decide against it. This isn't healthy, I know, but I don't want to be alone again. I'm aware that "people will be there for me" and "if I need anyone to talk to they'll be there", but I know I'll just end up being a thorn in somebody else's side, and that isn't good for me or anyone else.

You can find days 1-5 of mine here:

http://aminoapps.com/p/qksu9r

It's a link, sorry, I've decided to no longer post it on IG because I'm a nErd.

So I'm finally back in school.
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Also I can't sleep so I'm like??? Dying?? Finna regert this tomorroooow
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I want to do more watercolor, but I don't like posting traditional art on here so if I do end up making watercolor stuff you can find it on my IG. (Shameful self-promo)
So uh yeah bye.
P.S. I highkey relate to the hand on the right because I'm a giant compared to all of my friends and I don'T LIKE IT

So I don't have school for the next few days because of hurricane Florence, which is actually kind of good because I'll have time to draw and stuff. We're only getting the outskirts of the storm and, since our power line things are underground, I don't think we'll lose power. *knocks on wood* So uh yeah, just a little update on my life, have a good day and if you're going to be hit by Florence as well, stay safe.
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Happy late birthday, Namjoon!

I don't care that you broke your elbow.
So anyways yeah skool.
I had my homerooms switched T W I C E. The stress was so much for me the first week, I could hardly talk about it without either getting really fucking mad or bursting into tears. I got really upset because I wasn't in the advanced math class, (grades n shit are really important to me) and now there's this kid in one of my electives that makes me soft every time I look at him, so I'm worried about embarrassing myself in front of him.
Uh yeah, I sure hope it does.
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Ew this was a mess-

School has started and because of the stress and panic of it all I won't be posting much. Once I'm back in the routine I'll tell you what happened/ what's been happening because right now I feel like I'll hecking shatter if I have to think about the events of the past few days.
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I'm also thinking about making a picture book on here in a couple of months so that might be cool.

Okay but why the hecK are some people "anti anon"? What does that even mean? Do they like hate everyone who uses the "anonymous" feature or like do they just not use it? WhY dO yOu fEeL tHe nEeD tO bRoaDcAsT tHaT yOu'Re AnTi aNoN????? It might just be because I use it a lot to give like constructive criticism and stuff but idk.
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This post was a mess lmao-

Okay but I'm really hyped for the Idol mv and I kinda hope Nikki Minaj is in it but ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯

Also what even is anatomy? I'm covering up one side of the drawing because it's kinda triggering. Props if you can guess who it is because I didn't use a reference and its really messy.

I THOUGHT IT WASNT SUPPOSED TO COME OUT UNTIL THE 13TH

I WASN'T READY

But uh yeah go check it out, it's amazing.

https://youtu.be/fIkZOLsnoqY

I'm going to be away for a couple of days (meaning probably a week) because I'm having self-confidence issues (no surprise haha) and it might take me a while to recover because my mom (pretty much my therapist) is away on a business trip so I won't really have anyone to talk to.

I'll still be checking notifs and stuff, I just won't post anything.

Bye I guess(??????)