My church is getting suspicions about me, I can tell. I accidentally left a love letter I was writing for the girl I had loved (and still have, just when I thought I had moved on they come back stronger than ever with no reason) out well guests from church were over. They went in my room, and I found the letter in a different position than it had been. Now, some of the other older couples seem to be talking to be even more now, and I’m quite confused at the sudden care. They stare at me, and I can hear words like “love” and “girl” and I assume it.
Also, at my youth group, last night... the couple that runs the group has changed in the past six months (I haven’t been going as much in this time) and now it is not allowed to hug or wrap and arm around someone of the same sex. As for the different sex? It seems that as long as you tell the couple that you are dating this person, it is allowed. Since when did dates become more important than such close friendships? I’m not allowed to even hug my two friends there, they are like little sisters to me, and I feel it weird that if I even hug them it’s sexualized. But at the same time, I know if it had been her, my one... she’s like the star of the older group because of her perfect nature and responsible dealing with difficult matters, and she’s put in charge of many things. If I had touched her, they would have guessed my feelings for her, and guessed right.
I need to move on from her, I know, but the feelings leave and then they come back even stronger each time. Nothing really happens to make these feelings return; they simply do.
And with both of these places beginning to mean even more, nothing, nothing, to me, I feel free and yet scared at the same time.
I feel disgusting sometimes. And all I can do is become immune to these feelings, locking them even further and further away.