This is a vent. Feel free to skip but please don't just like the topic if you're not going to say anything.
TW: Suicide. (I guess.)





The reason why I thrive to be busy is one I don't like to bring up. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. It's confusing and I feel like my reason is stupid.
Bottom line, if I have nothing do accomplish or nothing to look forward to, I start to feel suicidal and go back to having some disrealization issues.
I always have to constantly bum-bard myself with projects and just in general, things to do.

When I'm not doing anything, for example, sleeping. I feel useless and unproductive. I feel like I'm being lazy. I know it's bad, I know it's not healthy or natural. I just feel like I don't deserve to feel the tranquility of sleep, even so, I don't dream. I haven't been dreaming.

When I wake up I just feel..empty. Nothing happened. I was just unknowingly trapped in a void for the past so and so hours.

The only "dreams" ive had this past week was just me being used for something or...other things I don't want to mention. Sometimes I think those dreams where real incidents and I become fearful of the people associated in said dreams.

In other dreams I've had they where all evil and gory. Blood drenched, unsettling and traumatizing. And in all of them I'm always the sadist murderer or some other form of pure violence filled being. Just poeple screaming and fighting, calling me names, etc:

Why do I think about these things? Why have violent thoughts taken such a hold onto my feelings and thoughts?

Am I really a monster?