Miss someone so bad it hurts but then you realize that the person you’re missing is just a story your brain made up and those emotions are just disconnected projections? Funky, right?
You have this whole story and emotions and shreds of memories all gummed up together, making up this person. You see yourself alone at night, missing the smell of something that you can’t remember, feeling longing for memories you made up. You see the future, full of bright joy but stained with regret. You regret not doing anything. You regret doing a thing. You wish you could go back to when you were younger and she still hugged you and pushed you on the swing and loved you and coddled you— this is another projection.
You are yanked backward and realize she’s still there. You are still small. And it’s not as sad as you think. The regrets are small and you made them with good intention. And she’s not who you think she is. It’s still okay, and you know now how to fix things and know what to do.
It’s not that sad.
Sometimes I disappear and I become a mind without body. I see forward, now, the faraway memories. I sometimes feel like my mind travels to the future. It makes things strange, but comforting, knowing that I can still fix it.