vent ig
ugh fuck this whatever, I regretted venting on the family server since either no one fucking cares or just responds in the way that I didn't wanted to, or give little words and shit idk man im so fucking tired aocpasc. and I have someone that I am slowly starting to hate on there too so, yeah, don't want to vent there. trigger warning: mentions of suicide and self harm
I am so fucking tired on living I swear to fucking god, I just want to die. how can people be so easy to cut their arms and veins and just slowly die while I have no fucking guts.
I am so tired of being told here and there, I just want to lay down and slowly perish to nothing, I don't wanna live anymore. a few days ago I was already tired of doing shit and got yelled at by my mom and now tbh the littlest things make me so fucking pissed. it's so bad to the point I think making that person on-live looks at me as I kill myself would be something I want to do since I wanna fucking scar them for life. I tried cutting myself with my razor blade that I got from my grandparents with the reasons to cut some shit on (they never knew I was suicidal or will do anything like self harm) and I tried to test it on paper and it did work, it was sort of new, I rarely use it so it was sharp. but for some reason it didn't worked on my feet, I had no absolute guts to cut my arm so I decided to go to my feet, since this whole self harm was more to be something to relieve stress. I tried to cut it so bad, I went over so many times and it didn't worked, I had no guts to push it in or make it deeper and shit and I just didn't ended up doing it and I felt like a fucking pussy.
okay second vent, I feel numb these days. I don't feel like I am loved, and shit. I know I keep on venting about this but I just don't know what to do. all I want is to have someone that's like always online and who I can chat to for hours and hours with almost no end sometimes and I just don't have that anymore.
at first, it was all about romantic attraction and some shit. at first I wanted someone to cuddle and kiss and just to caress me with their love, but it's so bad that I feel like I have no friends anymore. friendship disgusts me, just by hugging I get disgusted.
my parents hugged each other in front of me probably yesterday, and I just, gave them the most confused-disgusting-hatred look at them. people hugging is like something that fucking triggers me.
and I have been in a new phase, since it hasn't gone away for a long time now (usually phases goes away for a day or three for me, this was probably a more than that). it's the acearo or asexual phase. I know, i know, asexual isn't a phase or something like that, it's a sexuality I know, I know. I just feel- like sex is something that humans aren't suppose to do. I get really disgusted when someone mentions NSFW and when they point out the female or male body parts, it's like whenever a sex ed teacher would point out the genitals and stuff, and I'll be here to and think it's fucking perverted and some shit. I just really hated love since it has treated me so fucking badly, I hated having feelings for someone, I hate having the feeling of longing, I hate that I want someone to be by my side, it all feels like I'm going to be single forever and I just hate that feeling. i really have considered, and did my second planning on killing myself (back in 2020 I did the same on my birthday so that people won't really celebrate my bday since I hated having bdays at that year, because I didn't feel special, so whenever someone **before my bday was celebrated** mentions anything about my bday plannings I'll get really triggered and stuff (i'm over it since it turned up to be a good day, and someone technically saved me. don't know if I should appreciate that or not anymore ♥) and I am now planning on when i should kill myself **again** since I am too tired with this shit anymore.
okay I'm done. now don't mind me I am going to listen to another song that I found and prob make a vent out of it, bye.
I am so fucking tired on living I swear to fucking god, I just want to die. how can people be so easy to cut their arms and veins and just slowly die while I have no fucking guts.
I am so tired of being told here and there, I just want to lay down and slowly perish to nothing, I don't wanna live anymore. a few days ago I was already tired of doing shit and got yelled at by my mom and now tbh the littlest things make me so fucking pissed. it's so bad to the point I think making that person on-live looks at me as I kill myself would be something I want to do since I wanna fucking scar them for life. I tried cutting myself with my razor blade that I got from my grandparents with the reasons to cut some shit on (they never knew I was suicidal or will do anything like self harm) and I tried to test it on paper and it did work, it was sort of new, I rarely use it so it was sharp. but for some reason it didn't worked on my feet, I had no absolute guts to cut my arm so I decided to go to my feet, since this whole self harm was more to be something to relieve stress. I tried to cut it so bad, I went over so many times and it didn't worked, I had no guts to push it in or make it deeper and shit and I just didn't ended up doing it and I felt like a fucking pussy.
okay second vent, I feel numb these days. I don't feel like I am loved, and shit. I know I keep on venting about this but I just don't know what to do. all I want is to have someone that's like always online and who I can chat to for hours and hours with almost no end sometimes and I just don't have that anymore.
at first, it was all about romantic attraction and some shit. at first I wanted someone to cuddle and kiss and just to caress me with their love, but it's so bad that I feel like I have no friends anymore. friendship disgusts me, just by hugging I get disgusted.
my parents hugged each other in front of me probably yesterday, and I just, gave them the most confused-disgusting-hatred look at them. people hugging is like something that fucking triggers me.
and I have been in a new phase, since it hasn't gone away for a long time now (usually phases goes away for a day or three for me, this was probably a more than that). it's the acearo or asexual phase. I know, i know, asexual isn't a phase or something like that, it's a sexuality I know, I know. I just feel- like sex is something that humans aren't suppose to do. I get really disgusted when someone mentions NSFW and when they point out the female or male body parts, it's like whenever a sex ed teacher would point out the genitals and stuff, and I'll be here to and think it's fucking perverted and some shit. I just really hated love since it has treated me so fucking badly, I hated having feelings for someone, I hate having the feeling of longing, I hate that I want someone to be by my side, it all feels like I'm going to be single forever and I just hate that feeling. i really have considered, and did my second planning on killing myself (back in 2020 I did the same on my birthday so that people won't really celebrate my bday since I hated having bdays at that year, because I didn't feel special, so whenever someone **before my bday was celebrated** mentions anything about my bday plannings I'll get really triggered and stuff (i'm over it since it turned up to be a good day, and someone technically saved me. don't know if I should appreciate that or not anymore ♥) and I am now planning on when i should kill myself **again** since I am too tired with this shit anymore.
okay I'm done. now don't mind me I am going to listen to another song that I found and prob make a vent out of it, bye.
