mother i crave violin practice. 🤨🦧

it's that time of day again where i have so many tabs open my computer's slow, brb lol

*coughs* ok do you know 'little miss perfect' - taylor louderman? (its musical ish?)
cause that song has A HOLD OF MY BRAIN AND WONT LET GO wHY
i saw one animatic with it and now ive got brainrot???? like i almost sung this in front of my mom
the animatic is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zlVOYqJ0fI. im not sure if i ship xingqiu x chongyun (cause tbh i love them whether their friends or partners, whatever. its nice either way. plus im not really a shipper at all so i dont rlly have any enthusiasm) but i kept seeing this thumbnail and i didnt know the song so i was really confused
but now? it's stuck in my head. you cant make such a good musical-esque beat like that and expect it to stay out of my head, because for some reason musicals stick with me the best
anyway, there's your daily dose of aaaAAA *bows*

gotta go rq probably for the night so see you in the morning ^^; lol
i wish you all good chill dreams *finger guns out**

g'morning homeslices
observe doodles i have doodled :00
and drink water 🔪 take care of yourself aight

first, hey did someone shout me out :0? ive been getting a lot of new followers, hi new followers
sorry about not having any new art yet for you :')
two, uh,I didnt really realize how much of a coping mechanism genshin impact became for me ;<; until stepdad saw venti and told people to turn that yt video off because he's 'crossdressing'. and i got worried he'd ban genshin impact (apparently he doesnt know he's from genshin as of yet , but o-o. he banned SU and many other subtler shows about this, ik he might)
like i was freaking out a little i dont need to be questioned on that and i definitely dont want him to delete my precious save, but it's only on the PS4 and connected to the family account atm at least until the cross-save update there is like nothing i can do about it till then, minus not playing. and hoping he doesnt come across ads with venti in them and puts it together hhhhh (luckily most of the ads are just the pretty ladies)
like i feel stupid being stressed about this but yeah that's a yikes

im doing this just... late. because i dont think i really want anyone to actually see, i just.. want the idea out there maybe?
if you dont have the emotional energy rn thats totally ok im alright , after i post this im gonna go to sleep actually so no worries its mostly just for writing purposes
tw:abuse, religion, lgbtq-hate, selfharm/suicidal thought s (not described at all though) , disassociation +did (i dont think there are others but im rlly sorry if there are )

/////
sometime,no i know the exact date, nov 7th.. i asked about my biological dad. i guess i thought that id get some kind of answer that id like, that would be pretty and somber. in truth, i wasnt even caring much about him, id just hoped that maybe id get an answer for different questions. related ones. (perhaps im intersex?? maybe if i ask about my childhood itll come up? if she knows?) but i got told that we had left the between homes situation , in the end, because i had been abused. in a straight face. that didnt dare look at me. in an even tone. that had left the care behind. he wasnt anything.
but that was it right.
but it explained so much. it had always been different for me right?
id never been like them
i could fake it, but i wasnt them
i wasnt there, not like everybody else
i wasnt having fun
i didnt know why i couldnt enjoy things like them
why everyone called me mature, why i didnt want to talk to people, why i strived so much to just be good, do well in school,dont talk
to hide that im sick, to not inconvenience anyone
and i didnt know. why everyone avoided me. and why i avoided them.
why they called me a bully sometimes
i clearly wasnt doing that right, wasnt talking to them right, so i should stop
stop trying to talk to them
it was only after i knew this that any of it made sense, the weird disassociation in certain places, the loss of memory, the sensitivity and overdone reactions to things that had never been a threat in my memory.

//change of topic
shortly after, i found out that i was ace . i saw someone with it in their bio on medi, and allthough at the time i was somewhat(???) homophobic (i believed it wasnt something i should do/see because of how i was raised, but i have never seen the point in hating) i believed i should know what it was so i wouldnt disrespect them. and i found myself, honestly. it was good for a little bit until i had to face the reality of what that meant irl. and until i started realizing that i actually would want a romantic relationship, if there was no - eh-
which i had always suppressed, because i have always been told its a duty. a part of it, there isnt one without the other.
the church organization we're with did something, hosting a talk about relationships or whatever. i had expected to be able to ask questions and maybe get a deeper understanding of what to do about any of this. (at this point in time, especially with the amazing people of medi inspiring/educating me (especially on trans issues, i had no idea dysphoria existed), i had began to research other takes on how the church should react to lgbtq, and in particular , those that supported another translation that surmised the original meaning was pedophilia not homosexuality.) so i was wondering how her take fit with my own identity. Unfortunately she just blasted asexuality as a trend and LITERALLY TOLD THEM THAT IT'S JUST THAT THEY'RE NOT- uh that you *coughs* just need to do it better(f**king supporting r*pe???)- and that intersex people should be 'fixed' because a relationship without s*x could never be as close. this person i had trusted, and that these other teens were trusting, especially as a 'marriage counselor', to at least properly understand the issue, didnt. and i was angry, and hurt, and yeah , i cried.
did everyone in my life think like this? would everyone just.. do this?
ive been kept solely to the church for a long time, since like the fourth grade. (homeschooled now) although ive been in other activites or sports, theyre all with (anti lgbt)christian kids. I only have one irl friend from my old school , who is not. the idea that everyone could and would be thinking this way hurt. the fact that they held 'encouragement dates' where you are forced to go on a date with a het partner (to encourage them or some shit), hurt, was terrifying even, knowing that if i didnt i would be judged a lot for it, probably percieved as gay at least. the idea that now that i was slowly realizing the extent of the differences in us, i would lose the few that had ever been with me, especially now that along with that happy note, i was realizing i felt agender as well, and was so elated at even the idea that id be called a they/them, or have shorter scruff hair
and i couldnt tell anyone. not a soul.

and it got worse

because the few fleeting thoughts i had had before of ending it were so much more
and i had started wanting to self harm too
i had to realize yet another thing- that i definitely have depression
and probably always have, when i actually think about it
i didnt, and still dont quite , value myself anymore.
i realized i was late at school, yet again. and found out i probably have adhd too. considering the comorbidities and all the symptoms i feel like it would be weird if i didnt
but maybe , im no doctor

approximately seven months had passed. (?)
the spring made it easier.
i continued to study the bible (if youre not sure, it just means to read the bible with older disciples and talk about how it would work in your life and just figure out if you actually want to be a disciple. it generally involves rather personal questions and study, although i will admit the people im with dont push me too much on it) with the people i had set it up with at the beginning , before any of it, out of obligation, but i couldnt tell them anything anymore. couldnt quit either, could i. theyd ask about everything. how it was going . how i felt. and i couldnt say a word about it, resigning myself to a 'busy. busy with school.' which i was because of the intense problems i was having, but i couldnt exactly tell them that.

they were the ones who had given me the fuel to talk about my dad in the first place, seeing as i had told them and they had encouraged me to try. i told them about what i had heard. one of them relentlessly tries to compare it to her dad dying (which is of course sad and awfulk, but a different kind of sad and awful. and not one that makes you feel fundamentallly unworthy as a person) they also tried to mention becoming closer to my stepdad. everyone does. but they dont realize how downright awful it is for me. its not horrible all the time. but often, even if he's just shutting the door loudly or shouting for someone to come back inside, it is not comfortable, and i need a while to go do something else. to feel something else, because im scared but also not here, not real at all. and i know its stupid- hes talking to someone else , even, but it's always there
and when its not like that its in another way, a stupid predatory way . that i dont even really want to mention . and one time he was, asking me if i was 'being hayved' (a way i said behaving as a child) repeatedly and far too close to me until i snapped back asking him if he was.

he also tends to forget i exist, whether that counts as not talking about my need for a job/drivers license/college ideas until it was all in one burst on a busy school day when he came to my room to tell me all about the things i had to do (and not talking about it again), or not treating me like an adult (eg. helping me with getting a phone, working towards a drivers license or job, banning me from most all forms of social media, not letting me wear makeup (what am i gonna do with makeup, man.) or giving my siblings (ig half siblings, but that makes them sound like gremlins) a phone before me (who is 5yrs older than the next youngest??)
even though i watch the kids all the time and it has been repeatedly mentioned that i might need a phone if i ever do drive/work and it would be nice when im home alone . and im 17, but.
in fact one of his friends (also from church, not really close with me) told him he might need to treat me older and the result of that was he called me in (with mom, for some reason) and told me i needed to wash my own laundry? which would be fine. if we had a laundry machine??? but im just going to the laundromat with my mom because wasting time is fun????

and even though im swamped in school ,he doesnt know it. he thought four months of work could be done in a week, because he doesnt know how much there is. same with my mom tbh. and they're the people holding my grade. the people who are supposed to teach me, or at least help when i dont understand some of the course material, but dont.

i saw him reading a book on 'liberal christians'. with a communist symbol on the front. i know he will never accept who i am.


i tried to help so much, with the kids and the cleaning and stuff ,but i think theyll throw it all away when they know about me.

even the ones i loved so much

//topic change again
when toby started posting things about did it just hit different
i didnt want it to but it did.

when my grandma came and stayed over (she picks on me a rather lot) i got really depressed (cause she's just... not good for me... very touchy and anxiety inducing) and i was imagining talking to someone. something clicked and i thought, theyre an alter. Rowlfe was his name. he and i talked in my head. sortof just like thinking, only i didnt know where his thoughts came fro.m? a lot of thing s happened, that were confusing. I got confused by my environment or the car moving, and people talking to me. i spoke in a different voice for a moment. and as he left i forgot his name, faster than i woukd have thought possible, and now i dont remember any of it but what i wrote down, which is rather detailed. hes an emotional protector who loves romania, hats , and ducks. and adventure lol . i taught him the word pog and he said it a lot. and despite how i was feeling before or that fact that this freaked me out, i didnt feel nearly as sad or stressed anymore. I didnt know what an emotional protector was before, and when i asked him what he liked about romania he answered things that really did exist there and i didnt know about. even then, im still not sure how real he is. it couldve been just-something i made up out of stress? ive seen nothing else of it really despite rumors in my childhood kinda pointing to it. so im just not sure what to believe. it couldve just been me honestly, i have a good imagination and i am forgetful, maybe it is just things i half remembered? but would i choose for them to be a boy? ? in this afab homeboi, christian household...?? mmmm??
i just cant tell and i wish there was something more to go off of than just the one time/other unconfirmed times that were smaller and couldve just been me being emotional, with less evidence. and if i m honest i really dont want it to be true. although i 100% respect people like that i dont need to add on to my list of reasons my parents might hate me. and its a weird thing to think of you know. and i never want to face what happened again but i might have to??? no thanks ;-; and i dont know if its a good idea to try for a therapist, i dont want to get kicked out. ik licensed therapistsa are not supposed to share stuff but im not sure if the insurance is talking about councelors who really dont need qualification or therapist-therapist and even if they are i think itll probably skew towards very traditionally chdistian ones. gosh i just dont know its so much work to find a good one and mental health/talking about the past is SO stigmatized in this house

and then during pride month i saw a picture on my siblings phone that their online friend was getting kicked out and they might be too. hearing that i was like 'wow was my intinct right and theyre lgbtq??' but i didnt quite want to ask/force them to out themselves. and if i told them about myself i might be setting myself up for garbage life. but i figured, i would regret it more if i never said anything to them, and they did something bad. i didnt get the chance to until one night and we were vibin. as a subtle ish way of saying something, when i saw pride flag beds as we were scrolling on the internet, i said those are pretty colors to which they were silent . but in a bit, they mentioned girl in red. and in a bit a bit they were building an enby bed in minecraft (and i might not of said anything had i not seen them looking up what the enby flag looked like on google) and so i buckled down and asked if they were lgbtq to which they said 'oh no youre on to me' and i said i am too, they were really surprised .
it was good and they came out to me and im proud of them, and its nice to have someone else here ,but now im sort of their example, all over again, at a really rough patch in my life. what if i screw it up and give them a bad impression of those parts of lgbt..?? im unsure of my own place and certainly have no pride in myself yet. and they ask me about stuff a lot so im more afraid of getting outed than i would be before. especially since ive got a girl as a crush soooo yeah that wouldnt be great


i dont know anymore honestly. ive almost become used to the stress and the loneliness. its been like 9 months of this now. i dont have anyone irl to talk about this all to because they all stand on different sides and in different places. many of them hostile despite good intention. and i dont want to shatter that idea of them as being. proud of me. happy with what ive done. and given up. even if they never comfort me when im sad or tell me to get over it, and i should know that they arent worth that, i still wish i couldve been. more like what they wanted i guess.


im hoping against hope that i can and move out, pretty quickly, but there is still a lot in the way.. i dont know what ill do in the future honestly. its pretty strange to think about. and its hard to have dreams, to be honest with you. but i hope someday itll be chill vibes and ill know what to do with the future. and like what the junk is going on with me lol
and also its really sad that one person being concerned for me makes me like cry a little :// thats a yike but i love em for it
and hey if you read all that way props to ya thats a long read i just created ngl
its been good to just actually write about it and i think itll help yk even if nobody actually sees it itll still be good
here have b r o w n i e
gn thanks for listening

I GOOGLED THIS AS A JOKEE
whY

i tried to comment but i couldnt so i had to clear out all my tabs and update the computer-
it took 40 minutes ;v;
also ham sammich
i forgot its my little brothers birthday-party so i wont be online as much, hope yall have a good day though ^^

my parents are cooking this pulled pork stuff that you need to cook overnight so i guess im staying up quite a bit until everyone at least gets more quiet lol
then i can go upstairs and try and get those other rascals to sleep-
so how's it going homies?

im flipping out send help
why did i sign up for this akkkkkk

I only just played roblox for the first time in like a year yesterday night and stuff was already crazy
i was there cause of my sibling and like, we were talking about how it was tough today and
this guy just comes up to us and says "AHEM I ASSUME YOU LIVE IN THE US RIGHT" "or UK?"
"TELL ME" and i was like 'nope' and he said "WELL IF YOU ARE YOU'RE SAYING IT WRONG IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT SO IT'S TECHNICALLY YESTERDAY THAT WAS HARD" and i JUST
how much of a tryhard do you have to be to troll like that lol

Then there was a mushroom man and i complimented him on his outfit like it was amazing man if i could id be a mushroom man :00 and he just wen t :) thanks

my sibling asked me in the chat 'if i want to date an emo boy should i be a cat boi or a *wait i cant remember what the other one was*' and i answered but so many people in the chat were just like 'be yourself' what a wholesome squad

i tried to go to sleep i swear but my sibling was like 'lets play this game, you never play roblox' and i just went with it lol. this kid is immortal we stayed up until four :') and they still didnt want to go to sleep i- i just
even then i still stayed up an hour or two after cause i cant just fall asleep and i still had lot of emotions
They did pay for it though, all i wanted to do was talk about c r u s h which i just barely managed to not do but oh my gosh. was i hard to talk to lol. also we sat on internet star pillows.

tldr i'll probably need some tea/energy stuff and maybe headache medicine but hah it was nice
and idk it might help me move my bedtime back towards 10 pm
i was really tired but it helped cause i didnt have to stress abt stuff for a bit even if i was being incredibly random, just get distracted by all the neon. that game was a lot of neon-
also i have a lot more faith in roblox, ive never really talked to people there cause it wasnt allowed before so i didnt go to chill vibe games like the one we visited
and i didnt make friends or talk much but it was nice to just sorta watch them make friends and hang out with them
this kid needs to learn how to go to sleep at a reasonable time though :/

starting to get rlly emotional and tired lol so ill see you guys in the morning *peace sign*

ive been looking at jobs lately and since nobody's really supportive/helping me find some im a little lost,
and i come across this??? UH im not a wizard? do you need a wizard? i aint quailified there homeslice-
ITS SO DEADPAN LOL
(and also these seem like my kinda people lol who wrote this)

look at this wholesome man i-

(repost +delete cause the old picture didnt show up well at all ;-;)
Lei? drawing a good background? being proud of it????? more likely then you think-
im doodling some of the genshin co-op stuff it's been rlly funny ngl
and ive got a wip for the MTA going ^^ not gonna show you that one though it kinda misses the point if i do that

and if you can't tell, there's been a LOT of kaeya bridging in co op so far like wHAT
ive bridged more today and yesterday than i have in my entire genshin lifespan lol
not a bad thing though ive found tons of new places and it's way easier with a teammate

im online messing around ^^ my uuid is in the lasttopic i think but jic its 618871019

i feel genuinely rlly happy right now and it's like
>:DDD
t a k e t h a t s c i e n c e c l a s s, you cant bum m e out forever
anyway im drawing Razor, do any of you have some ideas for things that might look good on him?
trying to design another outfit but i cant rival miyoho's character designers lol
also the foreshortening looks W a C K
using children to stand in for sharp objects doesnt work apparently-

genshin uuid: 618871019
*join meee*

*does a dance in I will have the house to myself for a few hours*
*dances in it's on the day of the genshin update* *dances in 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙤𝙨*
but yeah im just excited hopefully ill finally get some time to chill. and maybe even invite some peeps to my genshin world finally.... i gotta wait till the afternoon though and make sure i do all my school before that so i will not be on medi for a bit cause it's really distracting lol
ill respond every once in a while but it might be a while between responses
science hurts my brain anyways

So first thing, what vibe do these picrews of some OCS give off? im trying to make them have good designs but obviously these picrews are not 100% accurate lol. lemme know what you think please(1, 2 and 4 are a family but i think i need to make em look more related) Second, can we do the trend thing? what did you think of me when we met vs now? ^^

im using a posing website but it doesnt have normal squares or anything to pose with
i was struggling to add a sword to this character in the drawing
so i used a child and i just- this-

I RAN OUT OF FREE SK8 EPISODES yIKE
time to go steal a funimation acc
plus i have to watch the english dub since im drawing while watching soooo :'//
also can i just say why does reki have skateboards as shelves. this is cursed-

yeah i dont know what to say really llw5y4vhiiiiiwt4evihwrtrwitr
im gonna throw a chair
hope i get to draw later smh

gonna be mostly absent otoday
lotta work
this is just my lunch break lol
hopefully ill get a chance to draw later tonight smth like that

*whispers*
xiaoven supremacy ;-;

-writing down random stuff-
i saw a chip bag that had "big dippers" on it (its off brand lol)
and i read "big diapers"
in conclusion i think im too tired, mentally and physically , to exist-
Also another thing, my 8 yr old and 9yr old sibling, theyre out here playing fnaf-- i, a 17 yr old, just play anime adventure game and small light children game. (o and also space game) and get stress going outdoors in minecraft at night. the next generation might be immortal or something help im scared
good morning afternoon night my homies
i think ill be able to draw something if my hands will cooperate :D
i cant wait to show yall my ocs ngl

ello m8s
*coughs*
no im just surprised i didnt go on medi yesterday thats all
gmorning, night, afternoon

there was a whole turkey on our car
i fed it berries
after it stopped sitting on the car ofc but wetartvatrgeeartgrdtdyhrdjyhr
also have sk8 without context

(im including bothh in one topic idk alright i am chaos)
height, im 5'8 lol (yes i actually measured for this) and THE HAIR STYLE I SWEAR after i saw albedo for the first time i looked in the mirror and was like " o h". my hair changes color but most of the time its black-ish ^^. oh the meme is from narudyne btw. as for the next thing
i should point out this trend ish thinngy? was started by toby :D and its very helpful tbh so p r o p s to it
https://medibang.com/u/0234/activities/?type=2

boundaries on my page:
-dont ask why i blocked someone ESPECIALLY if you arent involved/ the person i blocked didnt ask
i didnt know this until the squidkid drama but seriously people repeatedly asking what happened sucks especially when its mildly triggering
so dont unless you are somebody who actually needs to know, and in the future ill try to be more open w/ you guys *thumbs up*


-dont advertize on my stuff
if you want a shout out for an important image (like a contest or something abt to maybe reach lvl 4) and you are a friend of mine msg me! but dont just comment on my thing and leave a link to your thing even if you compliment me or something beforehand- that's rude dude and i will delete your comment

-dont vent on vents
like cmon dude venting on other topics/your topics is fine and i get it
but ppl who are venting at that moment do not have energy to help u out too
at the VERY least, dont do it to me
+leaving trigger warnings is good too

-dont ship me
ive seen it going on pls dont
im not against like romance in general but hkkk fr dont ruin friendships pls

-dont be p h o b i c
dont be racist, lgbtqia-phobic, or political in my comments
ur allowed to have whatever opinions ig politically but dont share em homie
i barely even understand most politics tbh

-dont just share my comments
unless im being a jerk or smth dont screenshot and share my comments w/o asking
usually im fine with it but it is sometimes really weird to see a somewhat private conversation just randomly on the timeline??? i get worried ill trigger someone or they wont feel included in the joke which sucks.. it also might have more personal info, and idk everyone who follows you ;-; and some people who i have blocked are still very much following some of you. its just stressful although it usually wont cause harm. asking me first, ill probably say yes, and it shows youre respectful thank youuu

-i have pretty bad adhd*
this is important for three reasons
1. i may randomly stop talking to you this isnt cause im not interested/you offended me its just cause i got distracted or dissappeared lol
2. im rlly sensitive/empathetic and this means i can't really take trauma jokes tbh cause i feel like i need to respond helpfully somehow but thats not the point of them at all yk. i can take a few but after a point it gets really draining bc i just. dunno what to say. and some are triggers on top of that. i totally understand the need for those jokes and no offence is meant to ppl who cope that way, im just not the person to tell them to, thank youu
if you do it a lot or more compulsively just include something else in the comment besides the joke so i can respond to that ^^ instead of overthinking
3. my artstyle changes all the tIme because of working memory, and how bad mine is in particular. there are some days when i simply cannot draw so time taken for requests can vary a lot and its not because i am not interested i just want it to turn out good but i cant draw circles
(for your info this is whats happening with the MTA lolllll)

*this would not be true of everyone with adhd its just possible symptoms


- MOST IMPORTANT ACTUALLY
dont comment swears or lgbtqia stuff on my art (not-topics, on topics is a-ok) my parents might kick me off medi if they see people are 'rude' or lgbt (cause homophobia) and that would stinkkk so much
they dont know topics exist but they check the art regularly
and ask before inviting me to groups ^^

anyway i hope you all have a good day >:D and get a c a k e