Irrigated agriculture

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TW for brief mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, mental illness, religion, addiction, underage drinking, covid (idk if thats a serious trigger for some people but yeah it's kind of mentioned in this) etc etc just dark topics in general when i start ranting.
if any of these topics genuinely upset you, i'd advise to stop reading when i begin to rant (the paragraph that starts with "trying to stay on the bright side is hard") and move onto the paragraph that starts with "for the medibang people"

so, i thought by now that it's been like a month since i've last been on discord - or atleast on here haha. i don't really know, though, it's hard to keep track of time after /it/ happened, again

i'm not sure if people besides those that mainly (but rarely) talk to me on medi will see this, but if people from discord by chance /do/ see this... i'm sorry.

i'll try to explain the best i can of what has happened recently without giving out too much personal info, since i'm pretty bad at hiding stuff like that when i /really/ want to tell someone about it, and i can't.

anyways, bare with me, because this is going to be long.

for those that don't know, my family is pretty... strange. backwards schedule of sleeping, weird rules and all that. my mom and my other guardians are pretty lenient when it comes to making rules, so we don't have many that normal jewish/christian households have (besides the religious ones, ofc) but the few rules that my family /does/ enforce are to be followed. without question

one of those rules has become against interacting with strangers. of course, social media is allowed if we're responsible enough, (surprisingly the wifi here in my country doesn't actually suck half the time where i'm at??) but if you know me, i suck at keeping responsibility, despite mostly being the oldest out of my online friends (with a few exceptions like kurt, alina, emma, etc being some years older but thats beside the point)

so, in summary, i haven't had a good past with the internet and my usage of it... so i'm not really the most trustable person when it comes to using it. and my mom, /definitely/ knows that by now considering i've used it for almost 7-8 years, always coming up with new ways to surprise her by using my intellectual (/hj) abilities to find ways to get onto it. no matter what the fuck she does to restrict me from it

by now, you probably guessed the reason i haven't been online too often. yeah, yeah. i was caught. again. because i didn't cover my tracks good enough and i was caught unprepared. again.

but, that wasn't the reason i thought i was going to be gone for a looooong time, again.

if you didn't know, i actually am dating someone in real life. surprisingly, i've gotten out of my habit of being an e-dater, which is more of a blessing than it is a curse, because now i get real women instead of virtual. fuck yeah!!!!!

my family also has another rule against that, though. because of religious views, i can't date anyone until i'm 18 or something, which is like... fuck it, man. i'm more of a friend than a partner or whatever to my current s/o, but i still love her man c'mon

but anyways, because of this, my gf (who we'll call A since that's what her name starts with) and me have to be a couple steps ahead of both of our families, who are both pretty insanely religious and live by the 18+ dating rule. it's hard sometimes, but we've managed so far, and i'm proud of that.

though, all good things come to an end eventually.

on the first week that i temporarily left discord, and the internet as a whole, my mom got a phonecall from A's older sister and she told me that she had covid which, fuck, man. it wasn't super severe, but it did worry the shit-ton out of me because she's both my best irl friend and my s/o

i haven't actually seen her in weeks by now, though i do get texts occasionally from A's family telling me that she's doing well so far. i'm afraid that's subject to change, but i'm trying to be optimistic, and trying to be there for her family mostly but i can't do much. wish i could, cuz i know if that was my daughter/sister/other i would definitely be scared shitless for her life

trying to stay on the bright side side is hard, and i've let things slip to my mom because i've been trying to talk more and more to her, trying to lay low on discord, too. i've let it slip that i have a girlfriend, that i'm still talking to people on the internet, because my mom has told me so many times that i can come to her for anything. i've been trying to make sure she can stay true to that, until i told her about the rules being broken for the 100th time in only a few years. i regret it, of course, but, damn. i can't really do /shit/ anymore.

i gave her back my sister's phone. i hid as much stuff as i could, though i kept the discord app on there since i told her already. she was already pissed that i had hid my sister's phone from my family when i knew they were looking desperately for it. she'd get even more pissed that i hid stuff, even asking if i thought she was stupid because i was being an idiot and not covering my tracks well enough. so much for an "intellectual."

all i'm thankful for is that she didn't look at the messages at all, though the part that made me feel somewhat guilty was when she said that it was too painful to read the messages, because she knows. she knows that i'm not hesitant to give out personal info like my country or real name. maybe she even thinks i'll fucking dox myself /and/ her and the whole rest of Kivun's Fucking Family. i'm not /that/ much of an idiot, thankfully.

after all of this shit, i'm just indifferent, though. this has happened over and over, and it's become like a routine for me to get in trouble and get my shit taken away, only for my actual shit to be given back only days later because she feels bad that i'm trying to do anything i can to find something else to do. i never go outside anymore. i never really do anything except occasionally sneak on here again because my sister is gullible enough to leave her phone out instead of hiding it like my mom instructed. she's only 7, almost 8, and i'm already taken advantage of her.

as far as i'm concerned, my mom is too sympathetic. she can be a real asshole sometimes, but compared to me, she's a literal angel. i don't really know what was wrong when she had me. i grew up to be this fucked up prick who got into rehab at the young age of 15 because i enjoyed arab alcohol a little /too/ much than i should have.

at this point, i'm just hoping that i'll mature. even a little bit. become more trustworthy, more responsible, so i don't have to lie every single day. time is running out for the first semester of my homework to be handed in. the deadline is march, and yet i'm too lazy to do shit because all i do is sneak on, watch edits, read fanfiction, play xbox, etc etc.

at first, i was glad, to be honest. that discord was finally gone. i was finally knocked out of that goddamn cycle of narcissism and just pain. fucking /pain/, and i didn't even realize it until it got taken away from me, and i was barely punished. /barely/!

i guess god has been punishing me. maybe because i've been questioning my religion like every other teenage boy. i wanted to grow up with my religion because i didn't mind it at first, but fuck. all i can think about is "if jesus, god, the lord, or whoever the fuck cares, wouldn't i have been saved at this point? wouldn't we all?" recently. every single time i think about finally ending it all. and i still can't get it. i was diagnosed with something i wanted at a young age because i thought it was "cool," but now i can see that depression is /not/ a fucking accessory to wear proudly like a diamond necklace or makeup or whatever. it's just a burden.

wow.

i'm really sorry that this got /this/ dark. i didn't mean to rant as much as i did, but... damn. i just needed to get some shit out that i've been holding in for awhile. this was just supposed to be something professional, but i guess i've crossed the line at this point lol

for the medibang people reading this, even if we aren't friends or associate in the slightest, i'm really glad that you're still here. i know medibang has died, fuck, /i've/ died. most of my friends have, too, but i'm trying. for now i'm going to try and be on here until if i can see if i have the balls to go back on discord again, but just know that i'm appreciative of every single fucking post i see on my timeline feed. i may not comment, or heart it, or whatever else, but it just puts a smile on my face when i see it

for the discord people, i've dmed kurt and tex in a gc a few times about this. i'm not sure if either of them have told you what i told them to say if any of you guys asked, or if they're too shy or something to say anything, but all i know is that i'm really the only reason they're back on discord at all. so, if they haven't said anything, it's probably because they haven't had time. they have lives, and i guess things got too busy, which is fine.

this is really the only site where i can explain to people i actually trust instead of on twitter where people i know i cant trust with the shit i tell my medi friends reside and, well, fuck it. lol

i hope this sort of helped you understand what's been keeping me back from being on discord or medi and wherever else. if you want to talk about anything, just comment on this post and i'll try to respond. i'm not sure when i'll actually get the courage to go back on discord because of the pessimistic part of my mind asking me "fuck. you've missed out, huh? too much has changed. there's really no going back" every. single. fucking. time. i think about discord and all that

to lighten things up a bit uhh, i'm trying to get into new stuff. i think my tf2 and danganronpa phases have passed for the time being and i'm really into gta IV/gta V after playing them each a couple times?? idk
my marvel/mcu phase is back (waiting for the new venom movie in june because they postponed it when it was supposed to come out in october of last year :cry: fuck covid)
also, i'm kind of trying my best to understand dream smp without becoming a braindead stan so yeahh. not really super into it yet, though

and last of all, i renamed my ao3 account because it used to have my deadname aha (still trying to find a new pfp because the kylov one is funny but pretty old) so it's now PREZIDENT because everything good was taken

thanks for reading if you got this far. really makes my day to see that you put in your time to read whatever i ramble about

<3

- Prez/Kivun

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