Recently, because of how the voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm a bad person, I've been giving up on my interests and coping mechanisms just to prove to myself and others that I'm not. Or, at least, I try not to be. It's been driving me crazy. My stress levels have been through the fucking roof and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I try not to talk about this anymore since it's in the past but I gave up on my age regression because I couldn't handle the bullying I dealt with because of it as well as there being too many bad things being said about it in general. Things like "You're just ignoring your problems", "Stop acting like this and grow up", "Get help", "This isn't healthy" and other things that slowly pushed me away from it. I wish 17-year-old me never even started doing that in the first place. Then I wouldn't be feeling like I did something wrong, even though everyone keeps telling me that I didn't. I also gave up on my old comfort anime because of the fandom being problematic as fuck and while I regret being in said fandom, I also kinda miss it. I also still miss my old comfort characters. I hate how I'm like this but I keep crying whenever I think about them. I just still really miss them, even though I feel like I shouldn't. And I'm getting EXTREMELY close to giving up on my current comfort anime for two reasons. 1: There are/were so many fucking creeps in the fandom, just like the other one and 2: I_m ashamed of how I'm 18 and I'm a fan of an anime made for kids. I'm literally a fucking adult now! Why can't I just be a normal one for once?! I really don't want to give up on my current comfort anime/comfort characters but I'm getting really close to that point and it's honestly pissing me off. This is the only way I know how to deal with being made fun of for something and I just don't know how to break the cycle. I'm just so fed up with all of this. Every time I gain interest in something or find a new coping mechanism that I think might help me, something almost immediately ends up completely fucking ruining it for me. All I want is to just be in at least ONE fandom and/or keep ONE coping mechanism without a bunch of fucking creepos and other toxic shitheads ruining it for me! IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?! IS IT?! I REALLY can't keep giving up on things that I like/help me to de-stress but I'm just desperate to show that I'm (hopefully) not as bad of a person as everyone thinks I am so I'm willing to give up on all my interests if that's what I need to do to prove that point. Because I've given up on a lot of my healthier coping mechanisms, I've gone back to pulling my hair out and now I have this big bald spot on my head and it makes me feel ugly. Trichotillomania can kiss my ass. I fucking hate it! I've been dealing with it for about 10 or 11 years and it's been Hell! And I've been getting this urge to cry myself to sleep every night but instead of doing that, I just listen to hyperpop music for hours on end. Between all of this bullshit, the fact that I still haven't fully gotten over the death of my grandma, my godmother and my cat and this voice in my head being a fucking asshole, I've ended up feeling like shit like I did during the first four months of 2021. I just can't keep doing this anymore. I just can't. I've given up on so much already and it still leaves me feeling down most of the time. I don't want to have to give up on my other interests but like I said, it's all I know how to do when I start feeling like this. I've been like this for years so to an extent, I'm used to it.