I know nobody will see this but since so many of the notifications I get here are for reactions to my old vent posts and I kind of feel like everyone thinks I'm still in the same mental state I was when I was 17 or so, rest assured that I'm not. I've been doing way better since then, I do have positive outlets for my stress now, which is one of the reasons why I've been taking a break from most of my socials. I've been focusing on trying to work more on improving my mental health even more so I won't post as many vent posts as I did when I was younger. And I am getting into the habit of using trigger warnings and tone indicators so while I wasn't the best at it when I was younger, I am better about it now. I'm sorry I didn't do things like more often back then. But long story short, if anyone is reading this, I'm.just reminding you that I'm okay. <3

For those wondering where I've been, don't worry. I didn't leave. I'm perfectly fine. I've just been taking a break from most social media (mainly Reddit, Omlet Arcade and TikTok) both for mental health reasons and just because life just keeps getting busier and busier every year, lol. I will still post here but I want to make sure I have the motivation to do so because I've been working on so many other things (all good things, like some new cosplay projects) so I have to balance everything out. Also, don't think that I'm posting this because I owed you all an explanation, I just didn't want anyone to be concerned and I just wanted to let you all know I'm okay. :) 💖

So, for the past few months, I've been having these crazy (in a good way) dreams involving me hanging out with some of my newer comfort characters but the things that happen are the same as similar dreams I had back when I was 16 and when I was still in my JoJo phase. While the new dreams are cool, they make me want to cry as soon as I wake up because I still miss my old comfort characters. I've been trying to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night because of it. I started watching Part 4 of JoJo last November but I lost interest in it shortly afterwards and I really miss when I was 16 and still really into it. And I lost interest in Midnight Horror School a while back and I still miss my comfort characters from that show, too. I just want to go back to last year when I first got into it because now I don't feel comfortable watching it anymore (Ironic since it was one of my old comfort animes, lol). Same with JoJo. Because of what I had to deal with when I was still into it (Bullying, realizing that the fandom was problematic, etc), I just don't feel comfortable watching it anymore. That's why I wish I could go back in time to go through both my JoJo phase and my MHS phase again. I wish that the dreams I have at night didn't remind me of the ones I had in the past because I'm tired of crying over dumb things like this. I'm just sick of this. I'm embarrassed of my younger self but I also miss her in a lot of ways.

Why is everyone still more interested in my old, crappy drawings/posts from 2, 3 or 4 years ago, especially when I'd like to think that I've improved over the years? It's like this one trend that went around the site for a while several years ago where people posted drawings of random shapes using the shape tools (mainly the square one) and filled them in with I think either the fluffy watercolor brush or cloud brush and the flower stamps. Those posts got way more views, likes and favorites than drawings with lots of detail and whatnot. Don't get me wrong, they were cool but I just never understood why random shapes were more appealing than all the cool, highly detailed manga drawings that were posted. That's what this whole thing with my old posts is reminding me of because I've been posting here since I was 13 and come September, I'll have been here for 6 years and for some reason, everyone only cares about my old posts from let's say 2017-2020. Like, I seriously don't know what I'm doing wrong here. Every time I check my notifications, it's always related to a post from 2, 3 or more years ago. I'm always trying to get better but I guess that's not enough anymore, huh? It's the same thing with YouTube comments from when I was like, 14. Everyone always replies to those and I always get the urge to reply with "Next time, look at when the comment was posted and take a minute to consider whether or not the person who posted the comment has matured since then or not because guess what? I don't post cringy comments like that anymore."

Why is it that as soon as someone becomes famous, they immediately become a total scumbag? I've noticed that with a lot of the celebs I used to be a fan when I was younger turned out to be bad people and it drives me crazy because that's what's led to me feeling like a bad person ever since I was 16. I've lost count of how many people I've unsubscribed from/unfollowed/stopped supporting overall because of the things they did at this point. And my childhood is ruined because of a lot of them. Ino89777, KittyDog, Pogo (the person that made the song from the "Forget" animation meme), MrMrPizza, Justin Roiland, MandoPony, TokyosRevenge, the list is endless at this point. Just knowing that I used to be a fan of these people still makes me sick to my stomach and like I said, it has ever since I was 16, which was when I found out that MandoPony was a p3d0, which led to me feeling really guilty for how I used to like his FNAF and Undertale songs when I was younger. I still like FNAF and Undertale but I just don't listen to his music anymore; and when I found out that Ino89777 was a bad person. That was when I trashed Cupcake (my main fursona) just because she was a Dutch Angel Dragon and while I'm over that part (the trashing my fursona part), I still feel, for a lack of better words, betrayed by these people because I didn't think that they were like this and if I'm being honest, I still feel like a bad person because of all this. I'm getting the feeling that you just can't trust anyone famous anymore. I know that not everyone that's famous is bad but I just hate how all the bad people get all the attention and nobody focuses on the good ones anymore.

Do I seem like someone that should be cancelled for any reason? If so, what would said reason be? I just have this major fear (at this point, I will admit it's most likely an irrational fear) of being cancelled because with the current state that cancel culture is in, everyone resorts to bullying and sending death threats instead of calling someone out while still being civil. Now I know in some cases, cancel culture can be a good thing but I feel like most people take it way too far (which is why I stay away from Twitter and have been taking breaks from TikTok from time to time) and that's what's led to this stupid fear I have of it. I never handled bullying well so if I end up getting cancelled in the future, regardless of the reason, it's not going to be fun for me. At all. For the most part, I am pretty good at admitting when I've done or said something that I shouldn't have and my apologies are always sincere/honest but it seems like that's still not enough to keep people from hating you for the rest of your life all because you're not 100% perfect like most people expect from everyone, which is a very unrealistic standard to hold anyone up to. I just keep worrying that I'm not the good person that everyone says I am and that I'll end up losing all my friends all because of something random.

Does anyone else have a comfort character that they really, really, REALLY wish wasn't their comfort character in the first place because the person that made the show/game/whatever piece of media they're from is a bad person? Because I'm in that situation right now and I'm starting to feel like a bad person for it. I'm upset about it because for most of the month, I was doing significantly better but now I'm back in that rut where I overthink everything from my past and overly worry about whether I'm still a good person or not and I start to constantly question my morals based on every single thing I've done in my life, even though I know what my morals/values are and that I would never intentionally do anything bad to anyone. I hate how I ended up in that rut again. All because I found out a little too late that my newest comfort character (the alien mantis lady in my pfp) is from a game made by a bad person. (I found out that her game's developer is a bad person a few days after she became one of my comfort characters, which, coincidentally, was also a few days before my 19th birthday sooo... That was great. /s .) I wish I never got attached to that fictional bug-eyed freak in the first place. If only I had known that the developer of the game she's from was a total scumbag from the start, I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess! I wouldn't be feeling so guilty about this, I wouldn't be worrying about whether or not I'm still a good person, I wouldn't have gone back to overthinking every single thing I did in the past that I'm worried makes me the bad person I fear that I am. Like, I was fine up until that point. Now I'm back to where I was before and I hate myself for it. I wish none of this ever happened in the first place.

I hate always having to walk on eggshells around everyone but I also hate not being okay with the fact that I still make mistakes now and then. I always try to be careful with what I say to people and on the rare occasions that I end up saying something insensitive/rude (sometimes, I don't realize how my words come across until it's too late), I end up feeling like such a horrible person that I just start beating myself up over every negative thing I say or have said in the past. This is why I hate cancel culture so damn much. There's this HUMONGOUS amount of pressure to be to absolutely fucking perfect when that's just not humanly possible and when you make even the smallest mistake at ANY point in your life, everyone suddenly hates your guts. That's why I hate making mistakes like lashing out at people because of my anger issues that I've been dealing with since I was 10, saying things that come across wrong and just making people upset in any other way. That's why I'm always overly cautious. Of course, I always apologize when I'm in the wrong because I'm genuinely sorry for what I did/said but I still always feel like a bad person, despite what my friends/family tell me. I'm tired of always having to walk on eggshells but I'm so afraid of possibly losing my friends and/or my family turning their backs on me because of my anger issues, a misunderstanding or something that I said that was unintentionally rude. I just can't handle making mistakes anymore. I wish I could be perfect because then, I wouldn't have to worry about everyone instantly hating me if I make a mistake.

Me: *Brings my ukulele to art class*
My friends: "Play this song, play that song, play the song from Lilo and Stitch, play this, play that!"

Me, who currently only knows how to play Iz's cover of "Over The Rainbow" and "Grass Skirt Chase" from SpongeBob: *Stressed Cmagistrelli noises*

(Seriously. I know this isn't a big deal but every time I pick up a new hobby, everyone I know expects me to have magically become a pro overnight. Especially with music and learning languages. With languages, my grandma always thought I magically became 100% fluent in the language I was currently LEARNING the second I opened Duolingo. And now with LEARNING the ukulele, my friends expect me to know how to play every single song ever written by mankind and I feel bad not being able to live up to even these small expectations.)

So, you know how a while back, I got upset because it seemed like everyone only cares about my old posts from a long time ago? Like, 2, 3+ years ago? Well, it's the same with YouTube comments. Some asswipe just replied to a comment I made a whole ass YEAR ago. And it was on a dumb age regression video I watched when I was 17. Basically, they said that if I'm 18, I should stop regressing because my childhood is over and that I should pay taxes/rent. Like, bitch, I have a job but I can't afford a ducking house yet! And I don't live in a place owned by someone else so I can't fucking pay the fucking rent, dumbass! Because of their reply to my OLD comment, I felt like I had to LIE just to be treated respectfully. Now I just want to throw away all my coloring books, my regression journal and give away all my stuffed animals because I told them I left everything childish behind. I know my childhood is technically over but I'm still struggling to finally be living my adult life. I've made SOME progress but I'm not 100% there. I'm not in my first relationship yet, my job isn't a daily 9-to-5, I'm just not living my adult life 100% and I feel like a fucking failure. And I'm turning 19 in a little over a month. I'm feeling embarrassed of how I wanted to throw a SpongeBob party for my 19th birthday now. There are two cartoons I've been a fan of for my whole life: SpongeBob and MLP. But since I'm an adult, I guess I should just stop watching them. I've already stopped watching my other comfort shows so how the fuck would this be any fucking different? I hate being childlike at 18! I hate being an adult! I hate being different! I hate being alive! If this is how people are going to treat me just because I'm an adult, I'd rather try to be who they want me to be because all I want is a little fucking respect and I'll change everything about myself if it's fucking necessary. I'm just so. Motherfucking. Done. At this point. I can't fucking do this anymore. I just can't.

I hate how I still miss my old comfort characters. I lost interest in them and the show they're from a long time ago (sometime last year during the summer) and whenever I think about them, I still always feel like crying but I feel like I can't/shouldn't because it's so silly /childish/immature for me to miss them so much. They're not even real people so why am I like this? I'm going to be 19 in a couple months and I'm still not as mature as I wish I was. I miss my younger self. I miss my old comfort characters. I miss my old OCs. I miss my old hobbies/interests. I miss being able to be emotional over anything without being judged or having to worry about possibly being judged. I just want to go back to being a kid again so I can revisit all of that one more time.

I really wish my family could treat me like an adult. For about a month or two after my birthday earlier this year, EVERYONE was always reminding me that I'm an adult now and I was always thinking "Don't. Fucking. Remind me." Now those same people treat me like I'm a literal fetus. Whenever I try to talk, they immediately cut me off, they never let me finish, they make assumptions about me when I'm RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, they never take me seriously, it's driving me crazy! And with my mom, I'm trying my best to be patient with her but a few months ago, I told her there ate times where I want to be treated like a kid and times where I want to be treated like an adult. She told me to make up my mind so I said "If that's the case, I'd rather be treated like an adult" and yet, she STILL talks to me and treats me like I'm a baby. If she wants to treat me like a baby so bad, why couldn't she have done it when I used to age regress? She just HAD to wait until I GAVE UP on it to treat me like this. Reeeeeal good timing, Mom. (Please note that that last sentence was sarcasm) What pisses me off even more is that she knows other adults who are younger than her but she doesn't treat THEM like babies so why am I treated differently?! I told her I wanted to be treated like an ADULT! She made me make a choice, I made it and I feel like she doesn't respect it. It's not really the case but it feels that way. She doesn't expect this of me but I've given up on so many things to try to prove to her (and the rest of my family but mainly her) that I can be mature. I stopped age regressing when I was 17 (My stress levels have been really high since then but it's worth it), I gave up on my current comfort anime since its target audience was kids ages 6 through 12, I stopped watching MLP (Although I still like it), I stopped playing Disney Universe months ago since that was a kids' game, I stopped wearing hair bows and unicorn headbands out in public, I gave up on a lot of things to try to get my point across and for some reason, Mom STILL isn't getting the message. I'm trying to find more adult interests to see if she'll finally treat me like every other adult she knows. I am mature when I need to be and even then, she still treats me like a baby. At this point, I just wish backwards time travel were possible so I could be a little kid again. I just miss having the freedom to truly be yourself without always having to worry about your own family bullying you for it. Another important note: MOST of the people in my family aren't toxic/abusive, some do have toxic behaviors, though. But I still wish they respected me enough to treat me like the thing they always remind me that I am, which is an A D U L T. I'm really not looking forward to being 19 next year because I feel like things will just get worse from there and I'll have to put myself through even more Hell just to prove my point to everyone.

Recently, because of how the voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm a bad person, I've been giving up on my interests and coping mechanisms just to prove to myself and others that I'm not. Or, at least, I try not to be. It's been driving me crazy. My stress levels have been through the fucking roof and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I try not to talk about this anymore since it's in the past but I gave up on my age regression because I couldn't handle the bullying I dealt with because of it as well as there being too many bad things being said about it in general. Things like "You're just ignoring your problems", "Stop acting like this and grow up", "Get help", "This isn't healthy" and other things that slowly pushed me away from it. I wish 17-year-old me never even started doing that in the first place. Then I wouldn't be feeling like I did something wrong, even though everyone keeps telling me that I didn't. I also gave up on my old comfort anime because of the fandom being problematic as fuck and while I regret being in said fandom, I also kinda miss it. I also still miss my old comfort characters. I hate how I'm like this but I keep crying whenever I think about them. I just still really miss them, even though I feel like I shouldn't. And I'm getting EXTREMELY close to giving up on my current comfort anime for two reasons. 1: There are/were so many fucking creeps in the fandom, just like the other one and 2: I_m ashamed of how I'm 18 and I'm a fan of an anime made for kids. I'm literally a fucking adult now! Why can't I just be a normal one for once?! I really don't want to give up on my current comfort anime/comfort characters but I'm getting really close to that point and it's honestly pissing me off. This is the only way I know how to deal with being made fun of for something and I just don't know how to break the cycle. I'm just so fed up with all of this. Every time I gain interest in something or find a new coping mechanism that I think might help me, something almost immediately ends up completely fucking ruining it for me. All I want is to just be in at least ONE fandom and/or keep ONE coping mechanism without a bunch of fucking creepos and other toxic shitheads ruining it for me! IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?! IS IT?! I REALLY can't keep giving up on things that I like/help me to de-stress but I'm just desperate to show that I'm (hopefully) not as bad of a person as everyone thinks I am so I'm willing to give up on all my interests if that's what I need to do to prove that point. Because I've given up on a lot of my healthier coping mechanisms, I've gone back to pulling my hair out and now I have this big bald spot on my head and it makes me feel ugly. Trichotillomania can kiss my ass. I fucking hate it! I've been dealing with it for about 10 or 11 years and it's been Hell! And I've been getting this urge to cry myself to sleep every night but instead of doing that, I just listen to hyperpop music for hours on end. Between all of this bullshit, the fact that I still haven't fully gotten over the death of my grandma, my godmother and my cat and this voice in my head being a fucking asshole, I've ended up feeling like shit like I did during the first four months of 2021. I just can't keep doing this anymore. I just can't. I've given up on so much already and it still leaves me feeling down most of the time. I don't want to have to give up on my other interests but like I said, it's all I know how to do when I start feeling like this. I've been like this for years so to an extent, I'm used to it.

I can't believe 16-year-old me was too fucking dumb to realize how problematic JJBA and its fandom are. It took me two fucking years to finally realize it. And the fact that Dio was one of my comfort characters. I hate how I didn't know how problematic he was. And all the problematic ships, fanart creators, characters and other things. The fact there's also a huge pedophilia problem in the fandom disgusts me. I know not all people in the fandom are bad but because of how there ARE so many bad things about it make me glad I lost interest in the show and left the fandom. The last time I left was last year and thankfully, I haven't been back since. Too many things have ruined it for me. I can't believe it used to be my comfort anime for two fucking years! What the fuck was wrong with me?! I'm so fucking disgusted with myself because of it! I just hate myself for ever joining this toxic/problematic fandom. I wish I never did. Now I'm worried that I'm problematic for simply being a part of it. I also hate how I still miss my old comfort characters. I still end up crying myself to sleep because I still miss them but I really wish I didn't. Thankfully, I've found a new comfort anime that isn't problematic (as far as I know) but I feel weird because it's an anime that's geared towards kids. It's called Midnight Horror School (If you've heard of Pecola or Gregory Horror Show, MHS was made by the person who made those other two shows.) I just got into it because the character designs are cool. I hate how I still miss my JoJo phase but I also really regret it. I swear, if I hear that Midnight Horror School is problematic for any reason (or if the fandom becomes too toxic), I'll lose my fucking mind since apparently, I can't like anything without finding out that it's problematic way too late. I just worry that I'm a problematic person because I used to be in such a toxic fandom when I was 16. I should have known better but I didn't. I just now really regret ever even telling my friends that I was into JoJo a few years ago.

It seems like everyone only cares about my posts from 2, 3 or more years ago. Every time I post something new, it doesn't seem to catch anyone's interest. What am I doing wrong? Is my style too cartoony? Are my Brawl Stars skin ideas too cutesy? Am I not adding enough details to my drawings? Whatever is making you all lose interest, I'll change it. I'm honestly embarrassed of some of my old posts because of how bad my art style was compared to now so why does everyone seem to be more interested in my crappy Brawl Stars fanart from 2019 than my fanart from 2022? I really don't know what to do. Should I stop posting new drawings? I REALLY need somebody to help me out here.

In your 100% honest opinion, am I problematic in any way? Am I a jerk? Am I a creep? Am I just overall a bad person? I keep thinking of things from my past (mainly things from 2019 and 2020 but also things from way before then) and I keep worrying about whether I'm still a good person or not. My mom keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about but this fucking Bruno in my head (I call it that because of my favorite scene from Luca) keeps telling me otherwise and I don't know who to believe here: Mom or Bruno. I know I can trust her but this is still worrying me so much. So please be honest with me. I can take it.

I'll be honest, Brawl Stars isn't as much fun for me as it was a few years ago. Now that a lot of my best friends I met through the game aren't online as much anymore, I really miss them. I have a lot of friends on Brawl but some of my closest friends are Joker (Wilfredo), Eboymaster1, BoringBoi, TheRealLogosTTV, Deadlocs, No and MadGhost. Wilfredo and Eboy and I have been close online friends for over 3 years now. Even though there was a point back in 2020 where Wilfredo and I stopped being friends for a bit because he was apparently jealous of Eboy and BoringBoi (Both of whom he had already met) and he started badmouthing them and me. And was just being a jerk in other ways as well. (Friends being jealous of your other friends sucks. It's happened to me twice so far, both in 2020.) Thankfully, he's well past that and we're still friends. I mean, this was years ago. And while we do still text each other, send memes and play Brawl Stars and Among Us once in a while, I miss the early days of our friendship when we used to team up almost every day when we had the time. With Eboy, I don't really hear from him much, usually just once or twice a year. It kinda sucks because he's another good friend of mine and Brawl Stars has been our only way to keep in touch this whole time. With Deadlocs, it's the same thing. BoringBoi, I still hear from him now and then. We haven't caught up in a while and we used to team up quite often but nowadays, not so much. Logos was the old president of my Club. When the new Club changes were applied in an update from last year, he got kicked out because he hadn't logged in in a long time. Then it automatically made me the new president. Anyways, back in January, we started chatting over on Discord but we haven't talked there ina while either. No and I used to team up pretty often but it's been a long time since I've heard from her. And with MadGhost, he's in my Club and he recently ended up quitting for an undetermined amount of time because of several reasons but I feel like it was my fault, even though I know it wasn't. I just really miss the days when my friends and I would play Brawl Stars for more than just a few minutes and we would actually be able to catch up and just enjoy being in a team together. And especially considering that these people have really good friends of mine for years now, it makes me miss them that much more. I know with some of them, I could reach out to them and see if they want to join my team again but I also don't want to bother them and I never know when would be a good time because they could be busy with school or work or whatever. I still remember when I used to overly worry about Wilfredo and Eboy when I wouldn't from them in a long time and worry if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I wish 14/15/16-year-old me didn't worry that much. I worried about a lot of things back then. Heck, I still do. I have a lot of other friends I worry about almost on a daily basis. I wish I could go back to 2019. That was when I first started playing Brawl Stars. That was when I met a lot of my best online friends. I miss them now. It's nice that I still keep in touch with them on occasion but still, I miss the days when we'd catch up more often.

Title explains it all. I hate my past self for being so immature. Especially in my tween/teen years. From when I was about 11 to when I was 15/16, I was extremely immature in some ways and it's embarrassing. I'm ashamed of the fact that I was that way when I was younger and I wish I could go back in time and fix all of the stupid things I did. I know I'm still young and I am more mature than I was back then and it makes me cringe thinking about all of the dumb things my friends and I said/did. I just really hate how immature I still was a few years ago. I hate myself in general.

So, you know how the last time I left the furry fandom, it messed with me more than all the other times before that? Well, pretty much since then, I've noticed that I'm not as involved/interested in the fandom and I'm honestly kinda bummed about it. The last time I left, it was because of some dumbhole responding to an old YouTube comment I made and they told me not to rejoin the fandom. Apparently, they had some bad encounters with furries and now they hate all furries. Because of how they were stupid enough to respond to an OLD comment from a YEAR ago at the time, it resurfaced some memories of when I got bullied out of the fandom and that's what caused me to leave again. I don't really know if I can even call myself a furry anymore because I've unintentionally distanced myself from the fandom. And because I've heard that it keeps getting more and more toxic and I've heard more bad things about some of the popufurs I used to be a fan of, I don't know if it's worth returning to the fandom now. I stopped drawing my fursonas after a while and now I really miss them. Cupcake, Sprinkle, Garnet, Sparkles, Stardust, I miss them all so much. I used to always be excited about possibly making a fursuit of one of my fursonas but now I just think that would just be a waste of money, energy and time, as well as it just being really embarrassing. Yesterday, I told Mom that I would never be caught dead dressing up like a big, colorful cartoon animal and to some extent, I'm serious. I'm just not willing to risk getting bullied to death again over something that was just an innocent hobby for me. And if you remember the whole Gamers vs Furries "war" on TikTok from 2018 (I was 14 then), some gamers said you can't be a gamer and a furry at the same time. You could only be one or the other. And I've been an avid gamer for quite a while so I'm not upset about that but I really wish I could go back to being 12 years old and just getting into the furry fandom. I wish I could see how it felt to be part of another fandom that made me feel normal again. (The My Little Pony/Brony fandom was the first one I joined that made me feel normal. After that was the furry fandom.) I just miss those days. And I've also unintentionally distanced myself from the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fandom and I miss being a part of that one, too. I stopped watching the anime after a while, I stopped drawing fanart of/cosplaying as my comfort characters from the show and I just kinda lost interest in hearing about the Part 6 anime coming out. I also miss when I first joined that fandom. I was 16 at the time. I miss all my comfort characters, especially Jotaro, Dio, Polnareff, Kakyoin, Jolyne, Josuke and Star Platinum. I don't know why I lost interest in both fandoms but all I know is that this time, I didn't actively choose to leave/distance myself from either one. It just happened on its own. But at the same time, because of how both fandoms have such a bad reputation and because they keep becoming more and more toxic, I don't know if it's worth going back to either one so I don't know what to do here. I don't know why I let random things like this bother me. I feel stupid for it.

I hate being an adult. I've only been 18 for a month and I already hate it. I'm still feeling pressured to "grow up" when I feel like I don't know how, mainly because of my interests and all that. I'm always worrying about what others think of me and what expectations I need to live up to. I feel like I can't be myself anymore. I feel out of place in various situations. I feel like people don't take me seriously, even though I'm an adult now. I feel like everything I do is wrong, even if it's something harmless. I hate feeling this way. I hate being an adult. I hate having to live with the fact that my childhood is over and I'll never be a kid again. I hate it all. I just wish I could go back to being a kid again. I already miss my childhood. I mean, I don't miss all the cringy things I did but I just miss being a kid in general. I felt like I had more freedom to be myself back then. Now that I'm an adult, I always have to worry about being seen as "normal" so I won't get ridiculed.

I hate being as cringy as I am. Everything I do/like is cringy to so many people and I'm ashamed of myself for it. I hate myself for all those stupid age regression related vent posts I made last year, I hate myself for being involved with age regression in general since so many people hate it, I hate myself for how I used to be a furry and an FNAF fan because recently, someone on Discord said that being a furry/Fnaf fan is basically bestiality, I hate myself for being an MLP fan since I got bullied for it a lot when I was younger, I hate being a Brawl Stars fan since a friend of mine bullied me pretty badly for it when I was 16 and because someone said that everyone in the fandom is either a pedo, a zoophile, a necrophile, a robophile, a homophobe or some other bad thing depending on who your favorite characters are in the game and since Poco is my biggest comfort character (I hate admitting this but I kind of see him as a friend, even though he's fictional) and he's a skeleton, that apparently makes me a horrible person according to that dumb bitch; I hate myself for being a cosplayer since people say cosplayers are immature for wearing costumes before/after Halloween, I hate being a JoJo fan since I got bullied for liking that anime and since Dio was one of my favorite characters, I'd probably be considered a "crazy Dio fan" solely because of that, I hate myself for being as childlike as I am at 18 because I am literally a fucking adult now! I can't keep acting like a child! I need to fucking grow up sooner or later, right? I hate myself for liking cute things/the kawaii aesthetic because a few years agi I saw someone say it's creepy to be a teen/adult that likes cutesy, pastel things. I hate myself for being a gamer since a lot of people still don't accept female gamers. I hate myself for all the cringy things I did when I was really young even though I know everyone has done at least one thing they cringe at when they look back on it. I hate myself for not being who my family (specifically my asshole aunt and uncle) expect me to be. I hate myself for liking unicorns when I'm 18 now. Somebody posted something online when I was 14 saying how people over the age of 13 can't like unicorns because apparently, they're only for kids. I hate how I can't be myself anymore because of my crippling fear of being ridiculed for everything. That's why I gave up on so many things I loved even though I knew they were harmless. It fucking hurts like Hell! I hate having to give up on what makes me happy just to keep everyone else happy. It still drives me fucking insane! I hate myself so much. I wish I could just be normal instead of being what most people online would consider to be a "fatherless child". Then again, my parents separated before I was born so I'm wondering if I'm as weird as I am because my dad was never really a part of my life. I wish I would have listened to all the people who told me to be like everyone else because being different is just becoming too hard for me. I hate not being able to be myself anymore. I fucking hate it with every fucking molecule, cell and atom in my fucking being! I swear, if I have to give on something else that I like just because of some asshole telling me to, I'm going to go fucking insane! I am so tired of being that one person that everyone hates just because she's not "normal". I just wish I could be a normal, mature, 18-year-old girl yet here I am, being the same unicorn-obsessed womanchild that I've always been. I'm tired of being different! I'm tired of being ridiculed for everything! I'm tired of my own family trying to get me to be someone I'm not! I'm tired of people not taking me seriously! I'm tired of being the butt of so many jokes! I'm tired of owing everyone an explanation for every single fucking thing I do! I'm just so fucking tired of it all! I can't fucking take it anymore!

Apart from me needing to free up some space on my phone before I post any new drawings, I've also partially lost the motivation to do so because my mental/emotional states still aren't the best. They haven't been since last year and I'm still on that mental decline I've talked about before. Another family member passed yesterday and it mentally fucked me up more than I thought it would. I was still grieving for my grandma, my godmother and my cat so this just adds something else to my plate and I don't know how I'll deal with it. I've lost interest in everything I'd normally be doing and I gave up on one of the coping mechanisms I had that really helped me before but now I can't get it back so that makes me feel even worse. I really don't feel like myself right now and it makes me a little nervous because I don't know how long this feeling will last. Because of all this, I've lost all motivation to do even simple things that might help me. And I don't know if coping with the stress/grief is a good thing because a guy in a Discord server I'm in said that coping is a self-destructive behavior and it keeps you from growing as a person. It doesn't matter if it's healthy or not, he just sees coping with anything in any way is bad. I don't know if he's right or not. I haven't been able to think clearly since all of this crap started. I really don't know what to do because I'm really being pushed to my limits and I don't know how much more I can take before I really break.

Ayyy! Sorry I disappeared again. I've just been taking a good while to focus on school and trying to work on my mental health and for now I seem to be doing better than a while ago. So I'm sorry if I worried you at all but I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay and I'll still keep you posted now and then. :)

So, you know how I have a problem of not knowing who to believe when I hear two conflicting opinions on something? Recently, I've been wondering if it was a good idea for me to leave the K-Pop fandom. (Yes, I actually did leave) I miss being a part of it but when I heard that so many different groups that I liked were problematic, that made me want to leave. And with BTS, that especially stung since I really liked so many of their songs. I stopped listening to K-Pop altogether a while back and like I said, I really miss it. There are a lot of singers whose music I loved when I was younger but then they turned out to be bad people and it's still hard for me to let those songs go. "Rainbow" and "Candy Cane Lane" by Sia are a few examples of that. With BTS, their songs "Idol", "Your Eyes Tell", "Inner Child" and "Bulletproof" were some of my comfort songs and I don't know how to feel about that anymore. Those songs keep popping into my mind now and then and I almost always end up crying because now I don't know how to feel about BTS/K-Pop in general anymore. So many people have said that they learned from their mistakes and they apologized several times and other people say they haven't so I'm not sure who to believe anymore. I really miss being a K-Pop fan but I'm also tired of thinking about how I got bullied for it and how I can't like anything anymore without people being cancelled all the time. I really don't know what to do. I mean, I know I could always just find another music genre to listen to, like hyperpop but K-Pop was one of my favorites because it reminded me of a friend I haven't heard from in years and it's been hard for me to let it go because of that. I'm usually a "separate the art from the artist" person but only to a certain extent. I don't know why always miss being in a fandom once I leave but I wish I could just stop being this way. I just miss the days when I didn't have to worry about everything I like always being bad and when I never had to worry about being ridiculed (sometimes by my own family) for what I liked and having to always keep it a secret (Like me being a JoJo fan. That's something I very rarely talk about anymore, even to my closest friends.) I just wish I could go back to those days when I could just like what I like without having to always worry about cancel culture, being bullied and keeping everything a secret.

Why does nobody ever comment on any of my posts anymore? Especially my vent posts?

So guess what? Looks like I STILL won't get to cosplay as Virus 8-Bit for Halloween this year. If you remember last year, I was so excited to work on my costume but then a bunch of other things kept me from doing it. Well, as many of you already know, Halloween is this upcoming Sunday and for a bunch of reasons, I still won't be able to pull it off. My mom keeps saying that we'll try but I have a feeling it still won't happen. I wish I never decided to cosplay as Virus 8-Bit. At the time, I was torn between him and Emz and I should have stuck with Emz. I just figured that since now I still won't get to do it, I might just scrap that idea. I wish I could just think my ideas through 100% before trying to go through with them. I wish I didn't get all these crazy ideas that are near impossible. And I especially wish I weren't such a crybaby about it. Since I'm such an overly emotional woman-child, I'm still breaking down crying over a stupid costume idea that I'll never get to finish, mainly because now I'm just done. I don't care anymore. I'm done. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I'm tired of getting all these impossible ideas. I'm tired of always being disappointed. I'm tired of all the emotional breakdowns over dumb things. I'm just done. Note to self: Don't let your imagination go too wild. You'll end up coming up with something that's impossible to put together.

I really haven't been in the best mental state lately. Haven't really been 100% okay since what happened with Grandma last December (When her health started to decline). And I've been worrying too much about the past and the future all at once. I'm worried that because of how immature, uneducated on certain topics, kinda rude and overall stupid I was from when I was 10 or so up until now, I'll end up getting "cancelled" for it. I said so many dumb, rude-sounding things when I was younger and I really regret it. I'm almost 100% convinced that Icm a bad person because of that. I just can't snap out of the funk I've been in. So many people who don't even really know me say so many bad things about me and I'm kinda starting to believe them. Not about everything they say, though. But still quite a lot. I try to do good things and I try to help people every single chance I get but I still feel like a bad person because of who I was in the past. I just wish I could feel like myself again. It's been so long. And with how involved a lot of people are in cancel culture, they won't acknowledge how much I've grown over the years. They'll only see my flaws and mistakes and judge me based off of that. And I feel like my friends and family are pretending that I'm a good person just to make me feel better. I really just can't get out of this rut and I hate every second of it. I wish I could feel like a good person again. I wish I didn't care so much about what others say. I wish I would stop worrying so much because it's keeping me from living in the present. I just can't take it anymore... I've reached my breaking point and I don't know what to do from here.

Trigger warning: Mentions of sensitive topics and swearing.

Remember how I said I always get so disappointed when someone I used to be a fan of turns out to be a bad person? Well, it just happened again! There was a memer named MrMrPizza, who now goes by Coraline Jones (like the movie character) who turned out to be a creep/pedo/groomer. Someone exposed him showing how he's 19 (legally an adult) and he was having a sexual conversation with a 13-year-old child on Discord. Like, why is it always the ones who you least expect to be like this are these people? Like I mentioned before, Ino, Kittydog, Nos Hyena, Stariaat, Mandopony and many others, now MrMrPizza. Why does this always fucking happen? Because of these toxic/insane motherfuckers, I feel like a fucking idiot and like I'm just as bad as them for how I used to be a fan of them all. I am so disappointed and disgusted with them all for all the bad things they did and I hope someday, they all get what they deserve. Those fucking pricks... I am so fucking disgusted right now.

My brain keeps bringing back these memories of things I did in the past that I'm worried people will judge me for in the future. Like how I trashed Cupcake (my fursona) for a while when I found out that Ino89777 (The creator of Dutch Angel Dragons) was a bad person and when I found out other people like Mandopony, Kittydog, Sia and other celebs from my childhood were all actually very problematic. And I feel bad because I wasn't as educated on certain matters as I am now, I keep making mistakes (which I hate doing), I don't know if I should say what I did because it will just worry me more and I don't want anyone to hate me. In all those instances (Making my fursona, being in certain fandoms and other things) , my intentions were always good but I'm afraid that people will still think I'm a bad person all because I made a few mistakes and used to be a fan of a few problematic people before I knew how bad they were. I'm still disappointed in myself for it all and I'm questioning whether I'm still a good person or not. I was crying again about it earlier and I just can't even look at myself anymore. I hate how I keep making mistakes. I hate remembering things from my past, even though I always make a conscious effort to improve, I hate myself for everything at this point.

Trigger warning: Mentions of death. I know I've mentioned this before but I hate how I'm 17 and I'm such a crybaby. I just got back from my daily/nightly walk (whatever you want to say, depending on time zones) and it was fine up until I was climbing up the hill that leads to our house. About halfway up, I saw a dead cat (It must have gotten hit by a car). Idk why but I almost cried when I saw it just laying in the middle of the road. And just recently, I started crying because my favorite cactus plant, Spike, died recently. I named it after the cactus from Brawl Stars. Spike meant a lot to me, especially now because it was a gift from my grandma and after her death in April, it was an even better memory of her. And a few weeks ago, my mom accidentally over-watered it and it died. (It was a succulent plant, btw, and Grandma told me that they were a type of cactus.) I had Spike for at least somewhere between 2 to 4 years now, I think. My mom kept one healthy leaf from it so she told me that we might be able to save Spike, but it still hurt. I don't know why I let myself become so attached to a cactus. I feel so silly for crying over seeing a dead cat and hearing that my favorite plant died. I'm going to be 18 next year and I'm trying to grow up/be mature but no matter how hard I try, I'm always just as much of a crybaby as I was before. And there are so many other things from my past that are causing me stress/anxiety and I can't get it to stop.
I JUST WANT TO STOP BEING A CRYBABY AT MY AGE! I WANT TO BE MATURE! I WISH I DIDN'T FEEL THESE EMOTIONS AS STRONGLY AS I DID!