so, i've been gone for 3 weeks or more, apparently. it actually doesn't feel like that long at all since well, time is passing way too quickly. my birthday is a month from now. i'm going to be the legal age to get a drivers license this year. shit's crazy, man

but anyways, i did get caught again. i can never find my sister's phone, so my mom is probably being more careful than ever. i'm typing this on my grandmother's phone (yes, she has one) because my sister's tablet didn't work either.
i'm trying to work back my mom's trust again, so i'm trying to lay low again. i really want to be here and talk to you guys, but it's going to be more difficult than ever. i can't get addicted again because i can't afford to get caught a third time. the third time is definitely not a charm in this situation

laying low is difficult. more than ever now i feel like i cant go back to discord, but i need to. i need to know everything's alright with the people i haven't spoken to in almost two months. i can't repeat the 6-7 months i spent away from the internet. i don't talk to anyone else, mostly because of covid and my mom knows about me and my s/o. i know i'm lucky compared to other people, but i don't feel lucky at all knowing full well that my friends from the public school i used to go to can do four times the shit i'm allowed to do, even without covid.

i promised myself not to ramble but goddamn i can't take it anymore. i've tried writing down my feelings, but every time i have it all planned out, i have an internal mental breakdown. i can't even explain it, really. i don't even know the cause of it.

not going to make this as personal as the topic i posted after the first time i got caught on my sister's phone, so let's move on.

i guess i'll just try to keep laying low. i have to actually force myself because sometimes it's a habit to stay up during the hours my family isn't awake to sneak on here, but so far it's working. i'll try to come back every so once in awhile to check on things. it's hard to know the world on here (and the world in general) moves on without me, but it's not like me not being on here again for another 3 weeks will change anything.

i'm just glad i still have one way to contact my friends. i'm tempted to give you guys my phone number and let you guys text me, but i know it's too much of a risk to take, especially if i get caught. for the first week since i've been gone i kept getting into trouble and i don't want that to repeat with extra risks. nothing to hide is on my phone and i want to keep it that way. that way she won't suspect me.

i also have an xbox username i guess i can give, but i don't play it too often. i know my mom will also check that if she suspects something's up, so i'll probably have to keep removing people or something.

i don't know, it's hopeless, really. all i've come up with is those two and with that playing terraria since there's the ability to chat, but nobody has it besides like one or two of my friends that i rarely talk to. shit's tiring.



anyways, i guess i'm just going to put casual stuff in here too. did it in my last update, so why not?
completed the hunger games book series, finally. it's honestly extremely good, way better than the movies at most parts. please read it if you ever have the chance hdjfhdjsjd it's my favorite
i'm still kind of into GTA V but since i haven't had as much interaction with the fandom, i'm losing interest. probably just another short, passing phase.
nobody except some people will rlly understand this part but i'm getting more into writing about my ocs. i'm starting to kind of give up on the backstory thingy i wrote for kylov that i had a server for on discord. i had a plan for something else including him that i think will be way better. he was just a carbon copy of countryhumans israel anyway lets just face it
i want to roleplay so bad aha but i know it'll probably be months before i can feel casual enough to do it without the risk of getting caught again that i force myself to refuse

uhh, i don't really know how to end this off since it went from extremely dramatic to my casual discord slang speak, but thanks for reading. i really appreciate that you saw this and decided to spend your time reading my weird rambles and stuff. i keep thinking to myself that it's important that i just give a short update, but tbh it wouldn't sound like kivun without dramatic

also, i don't know if you'll ever see this, DP, but since it's march the 17th for me, happy birthday! i have no clue how i remembered that, but i keep track of people who have the same number of birth (17) or something close to that as me. also, i think you said it was on st. patrick's day? i looked the date of it up and it hit me right away lmao

also an early happy birthday to horrid (april 26th i think?) and kuri (somewhere in may), just in case i won't be here for awhile. i rly want to make gifts for you guys. i'll try to do something with my copics and post them the next time i sneak on

- Prez/Kivun <3

xbox user - Nyctoshade
twitter - @literallyprez (if you have one dont hesitate to friend and dm me)