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Jayy

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CREATOR RANK CREATOR Mossy/Bea 3 years ago

Jayy left a comment!

CREATOR RANK CREATOR Mossy/Bea 3 years ago
Hey... so.

Before I start, I want you guys to know that you don’t have to comment to this. I know it’s kinda difficult to write consolation texts to ppl, so it’s totally okay for you not to comment. I won’t think you’re heartless jerk for it!
So... I think I’m in an abusive relationship with someone. And I’m the abuser. I’m hurting someone, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can change, and it’s hurting me inside, because I can’t leave the person because they’re my parent. I can’t get out, and I can’t change. They take care of me, give me everything I could need and so, so much more. But I can’t do anything for them, won’t do anything in return. They want me to be a good person, to survive in the world, to love and take care of people when they need me. But I’m failing. I feel so freaking stupid sometimes. I feel like I can’t get out of this, this hurting, them loving me, forgiving me even though I keep hurting them, so long. It hurts. It hurts them, my family, me. I just want to change. For years I’ve done this. I just.. I hate it. I hate myself for being this person. I hate not being the great person they want me to be. I keep hurting them.
I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t know anything when I’m eighteen, when I’m a legal adult. That I’m going to keep doing this, until they kick me out. I won’t know what to do, and no one would help me, and I’m going to be this little kid, stranded on a path that they built for myself.
Some nights I lay in bed and think about everything wrong I’ve ever done to my parents. How they forgive me so easily for awful things I do to them. I cry at how hopeless I feel, when I should know the answer to my problems, to end the abuse. It hurts so much because I know I can stop, I know the instructions. But I can’t stick to them, and hurt over and over. I cry at how they congratulate me on the tiniest of actions, because I don’t thank them for anything. They don’t expect anything in return, just give and give and give.
Sometimes I wonder why they even put up with me.
Sometimes I wish I would live inside my head like a crab in it’s shell, away from the world. But that only makes me worse, I suppose.
Some nights I wish I would die. Some nights I wish I was different, that I would follow the instructions to be good again.



Thank you if you read this. I just needed to talk. It helps just as much to write it. Like I said, I really won’t bite you or think you’re a jerk if you don’t comment! I just needed to write. Thank you for listening to me rant about some random depressing crap that I have.
A song that I listen to when I feel shitty like this is “Heat Waves” and “Tangerine” by Glass Animals. It really does help.

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