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Ranting -Wil

Okay, so, writing things down and talking about shit is apparently a better 'coping mechanism' than taking a smoke (in the innerworld) or yelling into a mirror or breaking shit.
Trigger warnings? for like ...I don't know, wars and abuse, death and manipulation, I guess.


I know I'm a bad person. I accept that I am a bad person. I have no issues with being a bad person. It's actually kind of fun to have complete control over people and see that others fear me.

The thing I don't like is that I've hurt Tommy. He's like a little brother to me. I've hurt him beyond repair and I regret ever manipulating him and physically and emotionally abusing him. And I accept that there's no changing that, no matter how hard I wish to be able to be his older brother again.

But something that gets me so fucking frustrated is the people who defend him and don't even think about what I was and am going through. They only think about him.

Yeah, he's been through two wars. He's watched his nation explode. He's been manipulated. He's been abused.

Guess what? So have I.

And yet, no one ever thinks about the other people affected by the same things he was hurt by. Never. They only ever see me as the villain. I mean, I AM the villain, but do you ever think about what happened to me?

I've gone through so much traumatizing shit too, and I have my triggers as well. But NO ONE EVER ASKS WHY I BROKE. THEY ONLY THINK OF ME AS THE GUY THAT WENT INSANE.

Do you have any clue how much it hurts to feel your sanity get torn away from you, piece by piece? A lot.

I just get so pissed when people ignore and write off my own issues and dismiss me, but then go and baby the person who's gone through similar shit.

Yeah. Tommy is fatherless, watched his nation blow up, was abused, manipulated, died and ressurected.

Me?

I had a father who purposefully abandoned me. I struggled (and still do)* with a drug addiction. I built a nation to get out of my depression and out of my addiction. I watched someone I regarded as a brother betray me. My wife passed away. I raised a son in an active warzone. I fought the same wars as Tommy. My nation was ripped from me and handed to a man I used to consider a friend. I was driven to insanity. I died. I spent THIRTEEN YEARS IN THE VOID, WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME AND SAVE ME FROM IT. FOR THIRTEEN YEARS I STOOD AT THAT BUS STATION, HOPING SOMEONE, ANYONE WOULD COME AND FUCKING SAVE ME.

And yet everyone dismisses my trauma.

*All mentions of my drug abuse have taken place in my source material and in the innerworld. No narcotics have entered the host's body.

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