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Vent

Tw: mentions of sh







Mom, all I ever wanted is to receive any emotional support from you. I don't need those damn reverse psychologies and I hate it when you compare me with others. You never really encouraged me, ever. You never said "it's just a mistake and it's fine making mistakes, you can use them as a guide to do better next time", instead you kept saying "'A' have better grades than you." "Look at 'B', you used to get higher grades than her but now she's got higher grades than you!" "Your classmates always finish their homework quickly, why can't you do it?" "The children in our church are kind and hardworking, why can't you be like them?"
And even those stuff that doesn't really need to compare me with, "'C' was shorter than you, now she's a lot taller you" "'C' looks really pretty, why can't you take care of your looks?"

Because you kept saying those stuff I began to have a mindset that I'm nothing! I'm a lazy brat that couldn't finish anything I'm working on, I'm a dumb student that doesn't get high grades like others! Every time I get motivated and actually try to do something productive, those things enter my mind and I end up quitting before I even make any progress. Why are you wondering why I'm always acting so tough and why I can't be honest with you? You never knew anything about me! You never knew I had a vulnerable side, I'm always getting hurt every time you tell me that everyone is better than me and I'm the worst child ever, and every time you say "I'll just drop you out of school because you're not being serious with it" I know you never really dropped me out but that still hurts a lot! I love studying but every time I get motivated you keep discouraging me and telling me that I can't do it because I'm basically a bad person. One time you even encouraged me to cut myself because you knew I couldn't do it! You kept saying that I'm being overly dramatic every time I cried so I really hated when I cry and was always avoiding to do it yet here I am, being "overly dramatic" again. You keep hurting my feelings and disguising it as a form of discipline but it never worked, right?
I tried to be sincere but before I even start to explain you yelled at me once again and I feel really bad for thinking you would listen and probably hug me but I remembered that you never really did it and I'm just fooling myself into thinking that you would. Deep inside I wanted to spend more time with you and apologize for everything, I really wanted to hug you because you never let me hug you or anything.

There's just one simple thing you could do to gain my respect back but you never really did it. I love you but I just really hate how you "discipline" me, you know? You just never listened to people's opinions nor you ever tried to understand their feelings, especially to me.

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