tw// violent intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts in general, murderous thoughts, s/h, su1c1d4l thoughts, gr00ming mention. don't read things you know will trigger you.
/nbh by the way
"are you okay?"
no. not even a little bit.
since i moved here, my mental state has just gotten significantly worse.
when we got to the corporate apartment here, it all went downhill.
i was gr00med.
i started cutting myself, properly.
i pulled all nighters almost every night.
i started to hate myself even more than i did before.
since we moved into our house,
i started having more intrusive thoughts.
i think i'm worthless, and that i'll never be good enough for anyone, and that i should just kill myself now before i hurt any more people.
i genuinely wanted to kill myself, and i almost tried it, but i didnt want to make things worse.
because that's what i always do. i only make things worse.
then i realized how absolutely fucking terrible i felt for lying about...something i'm not ready to tell you guys. not yet.
i had several times when i wanted to tell you guys about it, but didn't.
i either forgot, or my mind told me that bad things would happen if i did.
then i started genuinely wanting to murder my trauma giver.
my brain thought of full plans for it.
all fully detailed.
and i didnt know if i was okay with it or not.
but for some reason, having psychotic breakdowns, drawing vent art of it- it always made me feel better.
i've accepted the fact i'm probably a fucking psychopath.
so that's where i'm at.
this is how i've been doing since june 2021.
i'm too fucking young for this.
