so, hi there another update
I feel like I am making a lot of updates-

so, I am going to take a break in Discord and probably just social media in general. My mom found out I chatted on Discord, didn't really punished me, but she may sort of guilt trip me for it, so I am going to take a break from everything. I'll be online at some social medias yes, but probably not chat or just comment.

I also may do story times here and there or maybe talk about something, like my favorite music genres or music bands (including solo and not), what I have been doing, etc.

so yea, I am going to take a break but I am online and be aware that I am stalking you all and reading your replies to my topics 👀

+ Story Time +

I just decided to check out Cavetowns channel and let me give you some backstory about why I have this theory-

I'm going to talk about self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but remind you that this isn't a vent, I am just giving you backstory on the whole situation.

Me and Cavetown's songs have some weird ass connection. Like, the first song that I knew from him was Lemon Boy (which is how I got inspired to name one of my Among Us personas Lemon Boy). And then not so long I met someone that could be called a Lemon Boy (but she's a girl, 'kay?). And yea, we did have some sort of toxic yet not-so-toxic relationship, she was my best friend actually.

Then not long again, I discover his song Green. Which you all know how that went- then I forgot what song was next but I started to get in my Cavetown phase.

This whole coincidence (may or may not be a coincidence idk), I discovered the song Sharpener. Which was talking about people dealing with self-harm thoughts or self-harm, or maybe even hurting people feelings because they were egoistic, but mostly the self-harm. Well, a month after or so, I was dealing with self-harm thoughts and attempts in self-harm.

Then he released a song names Let Me Feel Low, which was a song about someone that was accepting that they were in an unhealthy mental state, and doesn't want to get better, but they eventually does. That's what I felt after the whole self-harm month.

Then he released the song *again*, with a collab with people making the video. Surprisingly, literally the next month I went through another phase of accepting my suicidal thoughts and hoping to not get better, but I eventually do.

THEN HE GODDAMN RELEASED THE SONG SHARPENER WHEN I WAS DEALING WITH SELF-HARM THOUGHTS IN THE SAME MONTH, ***AGAIN***.

And that's when I thought, every song that Cavetown is going to release next, is going to be a song of what experience of what I am dealing with next or experiencing at the time, basically his songs are telling me to prepare for the next battle and the songs are there to comfort me, since almost every song I heard for him are my comfort songs or escaping songs.

Now he released Paul which I think is about couples meeting each other in not a good mental health state or couples that are dating each other for a while and both are dealing with a not so good mental health state, or in short, toxic relationships. And I am legitimately scared- but the song is really good, so I may also comfort myself to it.

Oh well, if I am going to cry myself to sleep with the song, might as well make a story about it. I am working on a new Wattpad book of oneshot stories, they might have continued parts but who knows? So yeah, that's the story-

I just think the whole Cavetown thing is a really cool stuff and I am really interested into what songs he'll release next.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, also I am okay now in the whole self-harm and suicide thoughts thing - they all passed long ago and I am just v i b i n ✨ okay bye now! See yall, I'll try to make daily updates!

this is the last update of my tablet (also sorry for caps I am just really excited-)

WE GOTTEM, right when my mom was in the bathroom to do something (I had a test today so she was pretty calm if I was silent since I needed to focus) I went to my grandmother to ask her and vent her to her about my problems and she was pretty pissed at my mom since like- yea stuff (no need to really give me pity, it was my fault too since I have promised to her about not disobeying and I did, and it's been like 2 or 4 years like that so she was tired of my tablet and smashed it)

I forgot how it really looked like when she destroyed it but damn let me tell ya- yknow phones have those protective screens right? yea, it only had destroyed the protective screens as I can see it (it's pretty thick in the middle so thank god-). and she did sort of destroyed the sides of it since I saw one of the machinery parts of it show (my tablet had a thin coating of metal or whatever material they used to coat the tech behind the screen). the back was surprisingly alright, the outsides weren't so damaged, only a few holes but none really went into the tech, it just made bumps (the insides are probably broken but who knows?)

special thanks to my grandparents for helping me search for it and helping me clean it! so yea, hEHEHEhE they helped me with hiding it from my parents at their house since our house was connected and now I don't have to worry of trying to hide it in my room now! :D

so yea that's it
told you I'll actually do it

this is the last update of my tablet (also sorry for caps I am just really excited-)

WE GOTTEM, right when my mom was in the bathroom to do something (I had a test today so she was pretty calm if I was silent since I needed to focus) I went to my grandmother to ask her and vent her to her about my problems and she was pretty pissed at my mom since like- yea stuff (no need to really give me pity, it was my fault too since I have promised to her about not disobeying and I did, and it's been like 2 or 4 years like that so she was tired of my tablet and smashed it)

I forgot how it really looked like when she destroyed it but damn let me tell ya- yknow phones have those protective screens right? yea, it only had destroyed the protective screens as I can see it (it's pretty thick in the middle so thank god-). and she did sort of destroyed the sides of it since I saw one of the machinery parts of it show (my tablet had a thin coating of metal or whatever material they used to coat the tech behind the screen). the back was surprisingly alright, the outsides weren't so damaged, only a few holes but none really went into the tech, it just made bumps (the insides are probably broken but who knows?)

special thanks to my grandparents for helping me search for it and helping me clean it! so yea, hEHEHEhE they helped me with hiding it from my parents at their house since our house was connected and now I don't have to worry of trying to hide it in my room now! :D

so yea that's it
told you I'll actually do it

i just cant design mc skins
i mean i do try but i just cant shade it well lmao

i just cant design mc skins
i mean i do try but i just cant shade it well lmao

i just cant design mc skins
i mean i do try but i just cant shade it well lmao

I'M ON A MISSION
I'M GOING TO GRAB MY TABLET FROM THE TRASH, I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF IT'S DIRTY
I HAVE TIME TILL MONDAY UNTIL IT GETS GRABBED BY THE BOY WHO GRABS THE TRASH, AND I CHECKED IT AND IT'S STILL IN GOOD CONDITION
I'LL ACTUALLY DO IT LMAO- just not now since my mom is very focused on what I am doing so
I may hide it, but if my mom founds it, I'll probably be grounded or something or she wouldn't even care
I'll try to repair it in the future (the insides weren't damaged, just the screen and the back but it only had holes)
my tablet is so goddamn strong, I literally slept on top of it for a night and it wasn't even damaged bro-

I'M ON A MISSION
I'M GOING TO GRAB MY TABLET FROM THE TRASH, I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF IT'S DIRTY
I HAVE TIME TILL MONDAY UNTIL IT GETS GRABBED BY THE BOY WHO GRABS THE TRASH, AND I CHECKED IT AND IT'S STILL IN GOOD CONDITION
I'LL ACTUALLY DO IT LMAO- just not now since my mom is very focused on what I am doing so
I may hide it, but if my mom founds it, I'll probably be grounded or something or she wouldn't even care
I'll try to repair it in the future (the insides weren't damaged, just the screen and the back but it only had holes)
my tablet is so goddamn strong, I literally slept on top of it for a night and it wasn't even damaged bro-

so my mom smashed my tablet with a hammer (it's gone on the trash now)
and I am loosing my shit. currently praying as hard as I can for god to turn back time to that day (it was right at my anniversary, so I'm loosing my shit even fucking more) I have some hopes since I dreamt about it so it may actually happen. (back then I sort of experience a turn back time when I was young, which saved me a lot so I hope it'll happen hopefully again)
so uh, yea, I lost my 4 years of drawing.

this is sort of a vent so uh
I am more sad that I lost my tablet, not the arts, since I know it'll go sooner since it's old. I'm just sad since it held me close and made me really happy whenever I cried, it was like a friend to me. whenever I felt sad and whenever I had no one, it was there for me to comfort me and make me happy with songs and just existing since it gave me a lot of childhood nostalgia. I just want to hold it with my arms once more, that's all I want. I never really use it for drawing anymore anyways, just to listen to songs and meditate myself, it was my own therapist. and now I lost it, so I am loosing my shit harder than anything else. I do not hope to move on, but rather to go back in time and have it in my arms again, that's all I want. so yea, I'll be nonstop praying from now on.

Ummmm idk what to say


I just want to see someone alive at this point
Also the pic is from :} before they uh got frozen lol, it still brightens up my day :)

Ummmm idk what to say


I just want to see someone alive at this point
Also the pic is from :} before they uh got frozen lol, it still brightens up my day :)

ugh fuck this whatever, I regretted venting on the family server since either no one fucking cares or just responds in the way that I didn't wanted to, or give little words and shit idk man im so fucking tired aocpasc. and I have someone that I am slowly starting to hate on there too so, yeah, don't want to vent there. trigger warning: mentions of suicide and self harm





I am so fucking tired on living I swear to fucking god, I just want to die. how can people be so easy to cut their arms and veins and just slowly die while I have no fucking guts.

I am so tired of being told here and there, I just want to lay down and slowly perish to nothing, I don't wanna live anymore. a few days ago I was already tired of doing shit and got yelled at by my mom and now tbh the littlest things make me so fucking pissed. it's so bad to the point I think making that person on-live looks at me as I kill myself would be something I want to do since I wanna fucking scar them for life. I tried cutting myself with my razor blade that I got from my grandparents with the reasons to cut some shit on (they never knew I was suicidal or will do anything like self harm) and I tried to test it on paper and it did work, it was sort of new, I rarely use it so it was sharp. but for some reason it didn't worked on my feet, I had no absolute guts to cut my arm so I decided to go to my feet, since this whole self harm was more to be something to relieve stress. I tried to cut it so bad, I went over so many times and it didn't worked, I had no guts to push it in or make it deeper and shit and I just didn't ended up doing it and I felt like a fucking pussy.

okay second vent, I feel numb these days. I don't feel like I am loved, and shit. I know I keep on venting about this but I just don't know what to do. all I want is to have someone that's like always online and who I can chat to for hours and hours with almost no end sometimes and I just don't have that anymore.

at first, it was all about romantic attraction and some shit. at first I wanted someone to cuddle and kiss and just to caress me with their love, but it's so bad that I feel like I have no friends anymore. friendship disgusts me, just by hugging I get disgusted.

my parents hugged each other in front of me probably yesterday, and I just, gave them the most confused-disgusting-hatred look at them. people hugging is like something that fucking triggers me.

and I have been in a new phase, since it hasn't gone away for a long time now (usually phases goes away for a day or three for me, this was probably a more than that). it's the acearo or asexual phase. I know, i know, asexual isn't a phase or something like that, it's a sexuality I know, I know. I just feel- like sex is something that humans aren't suppose to do. I get really disgusted when someone mentions NSFW and when they point out the female or male body parts, it's like whenever a sex ed teacher would point out the genitals and stuff, and I'll be here to and think it's fucking perverted and some shit. I just really hated love since it has treated me so fucking badly, I hated having feelings for someone, I hate having the feeling of longing, I hate that I want someone to be by my side, it all feels like I'm going to be single forever and I just hate that feeling. i really have considered, and did my second planning on killing myself (back in 2020 I did the same on my birthday so that people won't really celebrate my bday since I hated having bdays at that year, because I didn't feel special, so whenever someone **before my bday was celebrated** mentions anything about my bday plannings I'll get really triggered and stuff (i'm over it since it turned up to be a good day, and someone technically saved me. don't know if I should appreciate that or not anymore ♥) and I am now planning on when i should kill myself **again** since I am too tired with this shit anymore.





okay I'm done. now don't mind me I am going to listen to another song that I found and prob make a vent out of it, bye.

TW for brief mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, mental illness, religion, addiction, underage drinking, covid (idk if thats a serious trigger for some people but yeah it's kind of mentioned in this) etc etc just dark topics in general when i start ranting.
if any of these topics genuinely upset you, i'd advise to stop reading when i begin to rant (the paragraph that starts with "trying to stay on the bright side is hard") and move onto the paragraph that starts with "for the medibang people"

so, i thought by now that it's been like a month since i've last been on discord - or atleast on here haha. i don't really know, though, it's hard to keep track of time after /it/ happened, again

i'm not sure if people besides those that mainly (but rarely) talk to me on medi will see this, but if people from discord by chance /do/ see this... i'm sorry.

i'll try to explain the best i can of what has happened recently without giving out too much personal info, since i'm pretty bad at hiding stuff like that when i /really/ want to tell someone about it, and i can't.

anyways, bare with me, because this is going to be long.

for those that don't know, my family is pretty... strange. backwards schedule of sleeping, weird rules and all that. my mom and my other guardians are pretty lenient when it comes to making rules, so we don't have many that normal jewish/christian households have (besides the religious ones, ofc) but the few rules that my family /does/ enforce are to be followed. without question

one of those rules has become against interacting with strangers. of course, social media is allowed if we're responsible enough, (surprisingly the wifi here in my country doesn't actually suck half the time where i'm at??) but if you know me, i suck at keeping responsibility, despite mostly being the oldest out of my online friends (with a few exceptions like kurt, alina, emma, etc being some years older but thats beside the point)

so, in summary, i haven't had a good past with the internet and my usage of it... so i'm not really the most trustable person when it comes to using it. and my mom, /definitely/ knows that by now considering i've used it for almost 7-8 years, always coming up with new ways to surprise her by using my intellectual (/hj) abilities to find ways to get onto it. no matter what the fuck she does to restrict me from it

by now, you probably guessed the reason i haven't been online too often. yeah, yeah. i was caught. again. because i didn't cover my tracks good enough and i was caught unprepared. again.

but, that wasn't the reason i thought i was going to be gone for a looooong time, again.

if you didn't know, i actually am dating someone in real life. surprisingly, i've gotten out of my habit of being an e-dater, which is more of a blessing than it is a curse, because now i get real women instead of virtual. fuck yeah!!!!!

my family also has another rule against that, though. because of religious views, i can't date anyone until i'm 18 or something, which is like... fuck it, man. i'm more of a friend than a partner or whatever to my current s/o, but i still love her man c'mon

but anyways, because of this, my gf (who we'll call A since that's what her name starts with) and me have to be a couple steps ahead of both of our families, who are both pretty insanely religious and live by the 18+ dating rule. it's hard sometimes, but we've managed so far, and i'm proud of that.

though, all good things come to an end eventually.

on the first week that i temporarily left discord, and the internet as a whole, my mom got a phonecall from A's older sister and she told me that she had covid which, fuck, man. it wasn't super severe, but it did worry the shit-ton out of me because she's both my best irl friend and my s/o

i haven't actually seen her in weeks by now, though i do get texts occasionally from A's family telling me that she's doing well so far. i'm afraid that's subject to change, but i'm trying to be optimistic, and trying to be there for her family mostly but i can't do much. wish i could, cuz i know if that was my daughter/sister/other i would definitely be scared shitless for her life

trying to stay on the bright side side is hard, and i've let things slip to my mom because i've been trying to talk more and more to her, trying to lay low on discord, too. i've let it slip that i have a girlfriend, that i'm still talking to people on the internet, because my mom has told me so many times that i can come to her for anything. i've been trying to make sure she can stay true to that, until i told her about the rules being broken for the 100th time in only a few years. i regret it, of course, but, damn. i can't really do /shit/ anymore.

i gave her back my sister's phone. i hid as much stuff as i could, though i kept the discord app on there since i told her already. she was already pissed that i had hid my sister's phone from my family when i knew they were looking desperately for it. she'd get even more pissed that i hid stuff, even asking if i thought she was stupid because i was being an idiot and not covering my tracks well enough. so much for an "intellectual."

all i'm thankful for is that she didn't look at the messages at all, though the part that made me feel somewhat guilty was when she said that it was too painful to read the messages, because she knows. she knows that i'm not hesitant to give out personal info like my country or real name. maybe she even thinks i'll fucking dox myself /and/ her and the whole rest of Kivun's Fucking Family. i'm not /that/ much of an idiot, thankfully.

after all of this shit, i'm just indifferent, though. this has happened over and over, and it's become like a routine for me to get in trouble and get my shit taken away, only for my actual shit to be given back only days later because she feels bad that i'm trying to do anything i can to find something else to do. i never go outside anymore. i never really do anything except occasionally sneak on here again because my sister is gullible enough to leave her phone out instead of hiding it like my mom instructed. she's only 7, almost 8, and i'm already taken advantage of her.

as far as i'm concerned, my mom is too sympathetic. she can be a real asshole sometimes, but compared to me, she's a literal angel. i don't really know what was wrong when she had me. i grew up to be this fucked up prick who got into rehab at the young age of 15 because i enjoyed arab alcohol a little /too/ much than i should have.

at this point, i'm just hoping that i'll mature. even a little bit. become more trustworthy, more responsible, so i don't have to lie every single day. time is running out for the first semester of my homework to be handed in. the deadline is march, and yet i'm too lazy to do shit because all i do is sneak on, watch edits, read fanfiction, play xbox, etc etc.

at first, i was glad, to be honest. that discord was finally gone. i was finally knocked out of that goddamn cycle of narcissism and just pain. fucking /pain/, and i didn't even realize it until it got taken away from me, and i was barely punished. /barely/!

i guess god has been punishing me. maybe because i've been questioning my religion like every other teenage boy. i wanted to grow up with my religion because i didn't mind it at first, but fuck. all i can think about is "if jesus, god, the lord, or whoever the fuck cares, wouldn't i have been saved at this point? wouldn't we all?" recently. every single time i think about finally ending it all. and i still can't get it. i was diagnosed with something i wanted at a young age because i thought it was "cool," but now i can see that depression is /not/ a fucking accessory to wear proudly like a diamond necklace or makeup or whatever. it's just a burden.




wow.

i'm really sorry that this got /this/ dark. i didn't mean to rant as much as i did, but... damn. i just needed to get some shit out that i've been holding in for awhile. this was just supposed to be something professional, but i guess i've crossed the line at this point lol

for the medibang people reading this, even if we aren't friends or associate in the slightest, i'm really glad that you're still here. i know medibang has died, fuck, /i've/ died. most of my friends have, too, but i'm trying. for now i'm going to try and be on here until if i can see if i have the balls to go back on discord again, but just know that i'm appreciative of every single fucking post i see on my timeline feed. i may not comment, or heart it, or whatever else, but it just puts a smile on my face when i see it

for the discord people, i've dmed kurt and tex in a gc a few times about this. i'm not sure if either of them have told you what i told them to say if any of you guys asked, or if they're too shy or something to say anything, but all i know is that i'm really the only reason they're back on discord at all. so, if they haven't said anything, it's probably because they haven't had time. they have lives, and i guess things got too busy, which is fine.

this is really the only site where i can explain to people i actually trust instead of on twitter where people i know i cant trust with the shit i tell my medi friends reside and, well, fuck it. lol

i hope this sort of helped you understand what's been keeping me back from being on discord or medi and wherever else. if you want to talk about anything, just comment on this post and i'll try to respond. i'm not sure when i'll actually get the courage to go back on discord because of the pessimistic part of my mind asking me "fuck. you've missed out, huh? too much has changed. there's really no going back" every. single. fucking. time. i think about discord and all that

to lighten things up a bit uhh, i'm trying to get into new stuff. i think my tf2 and danganronpa phases have passed for the time being and i'm really into gta IV/gta V after playing them each a couple times?? idk
my marvel/mcu phase is back (waiting for the new venom movie in june because they postponed it when it was supposed to come out in october of last year :cry: fuck covid)
also, i'm kind of trying my best to understand dream smp without becoming a braindead stan so yeahh. not really super into it yet, though

and last of all, i renamed my ao3 account because it used to have my deadname aha (still trying to find a new pfp because the kylov one is funny but pretty old) so it's now PREZIDENT because everything good was taken

thanks for reading if you got this far. really makes my day to see that you put in your time to read whatever i ramble about

<3

- Prez/Kivun

TW for brief mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, mental illness, religion, addiction, underage drinking, covid (idk if thats a serious trigger for some people but yeah it's kind of mentioned in this) etc etc just dark topics in general when i start ranting.
if any of these topics genuinely upset you, i'd advise to stop reading when i begin to rant (the paragraph that starts with "trying to stay on the bright side is hard") and move onto the paragraph that starts with "for the medibang people"

so, i thought by now that it's been like a month since i've last been on discord - or atleast on here haha. i don't really know, though, it's hard to keep track of time after /it/ happened, again

i'm not sure if people besides those that mainly (but rarely) talk to me on medi will see this, but if people from discord by chance /do/ see this... i'm sorry.

i'll try to explain the best i can of what has happened recently without giving out too much personal info, since i'm pretty bad at hiding stuff like that when i /really/ want to tell someone about it, and i can't.

anyways, bare with me, because this is going to be long.

for those that don't know, my family is pretty... strange. backwards schedule of sleeping, weird rules and all that. my mom and my other guardians are pretty lenient when it comes to making rules, so we don't have many that normal jewish/christian households have (besides the religious ones, ofc) but the few rules that my family /does/ enforce are to be followed. without question

one of those rules has become against interacting with strangers. of course, social media is allowed if we're responsible enough, (surprisingly the wifi here in my country doesn't actually suck half the time where i'm at??) but if you know me, i suck at keeping responsibility, despite mostly being the oldest out of my online friends (with a few exceptions like kurt, alina, emma, etc being some years older but thats beside the point)

so, in summary, i haven't had a good past with the internet and my usage of it... so i'm not really the most trustable person when it comes to using it. and my mom, /definitely/ knows that by now considering i've used it for almost 7-8 years, always coming up with new ways to surprise her by using my intellectual (/hj) abilities to find ways to get onto it. no matter what the fuck she does to restrict me from it

by now, you probably guessed the reason i haven't been online too often. yeah, yeah. i was caught. again. because i didn't cover my tracks good enough and i was caught unprepared. again.

but, that wasn't the reason i thought i was going to be gone for a looooong time, again.

if you didn't know, i actually am dating someone in real life. surprisingly, i've gotten out of my habit of being an e-dater, which is more of a blessing than it is a curse, because now i get real women instead of virtual. fuck yeah!!!!!

my family also has another rule against that, though. because of religious views, i can't date anyone until i'm 18 or something, which is like... fuck it, man. i'm more of a friend than a partner or whatever to my current s/o, but i still love her man c'mon

but anyways, because of this, my gf (who we'll call A since that's what her name starts with) and me have to be a couple steps ahead of both of our families, who are both pretty insanely religious and live by the 18+ dating rule. it's hard sometimes, but we've managed so far, and i'm proud of that.

though, all good things come to an end eventually.

on the first week that i temporarily left discord, and the internet as a whole, my mom got a phonecall from A's older sister and she told me that she had covid which, fuck, man. it wasn't super severe, but it did worry the shit-ton out of me because she's both my best irl friend and my s/o

i haven't actually seen her in weeks by now, though i do get texts occasionally from A's family telling me that she's doing well so far. i'm afraid that's subject to change, but i'm trying to be optimistic, and trying to be there for her family mostly but i can't do much. wish i could, cuz i know if that was my daughter/sister/other i would definitely be scared shitless for her life

trying to stay on the bright side side is hard, and i've let things slip to my mom because i've been trying to talk more and more to her, trying to lay low on discord, too. i've let it slip that i have a girlfriend, that i'm still talking to people on the internet, because my mom has told me so many times that i can come to her for anything. i've been trying to make sure she can stay true to that, until i told her about the rules being broken for the 100th time in only a few years. i regret it, of course, but, damn. i can't really do /shit/ anymore.

i gave her back my sister's phone. i hid as much stuff as i could, though i kept the discord app on there since i told her already. she was already pissed that i had hid my sister's phone from my family when i knew they were looking desperately for it. she'd get even more pissed that i hid stuff, even asking if i thought she was stupid because i was being an idiot and not covering my tracks well enough. so much for an "intellectual."

all i'm thankful for is that she didn't look at the messages at all, though the part that made me feel somewhat guilty was when she said that it was too painful to read the messages, because she knows. she knows that i'm not hesitant to give out personal info like my country or real name. maybe she even thinks i'll fucking dox myself /and/ her and the whole rest of Kivun's Fucking Family. i'm not /that/ much of an idiot, thankfully.

after all of this shit, i'm just indifferent, though. this has happened over and over, and it's become like a routine for me to get in trouble and get my shit taken away, only for my actual shit to be given back only days later because she feels bad that i'm trying to do anything i can to find something else to do. i never go outside anymore. i never really do anything except occasionally sneak on here again because my sister is gullible enough to leave her phone out instead of hiding it like my mom instructed. she's only 7, almost 8, and i'm already taken advantage of her.

as far as i'm concerned, my mom is too sympathetic. she can be a real asshole sometimes, but compared to me, she's a literal angel. i don't really know what was wrong when she had me. i grew up to be this fucked up prick who got into rehab at the young age of 15 because i enjoyed arab alcohol a little /too/ much than i should have.

at this point, i'm just hoping that i'll mature. even a little bit. become more trustworthy, more responsible, so i don't have to lie every single day. time is running out for the first semester of my homework to be handed in. the deadline is march, and yet i'm too lazy to do shit because all i do is sneak on, watch edits, read fanfiction, play xbox, etc etc.

at first, i was glad, to be honest. that discord was finally gone. i was finally knocked out of that goddamn cycle of narcissism and just pain. fucking /pain/, and i didn't even realize it until it got taken away from me, and i was barely punished. /barely/!

i guess god has been punishing me. maybe because i've been questioning my religion like every other teenage boy. i wanted to grow up with my religion because i didn't mind it at first, but fuck. all i can think about is "if jesus, god, the lord, or whoever the fuck cares, wouldn't i have been saved at this point? wouldn't we all?" recently. every single time i think about finally ending it all. and i still can't get it. i was diagnosed with something i wanted at a young age because i thought it was "cool," but now i can see that depression is /not/ a fucking accessory to wear proudly like a diamond necklace or makeup or whatever. it's just a burden.




wow.

i'm really sorry that this got /this/ dark. i didn't mean to rant as much as i did, but... damn. i just needed to get some shit out that i've been holding in for awhile. this was just supposed to be something professional, but i guess i've crossed the line at this point lol

for the medibang people reading this, even if we aren't friends or associate in the slightest, i'm really glad that you're still here. i know medibang has died, fuck, /i've/ died. most of my friends have, too, but i'm trying. for now i'm going to try and be on here until if i can see if i have the balls to go back on discord again, but just know that i'm appreciative of every single fucking post i see on my timeline feed. i may not comment, or heart it, or whatever else, but it just puts a smile on my face when i see it

for the discord people, i've dmed kurt and tex in a gc a few times about this. i'm not sure if either of them have told you what i told them to say if any of you guys asked, or if they're too shy or something to say anything, but all i know is that i'm really the only reason they're back on discord at all. so, if they haven't said anything, it's probably because they haven't had time. they have lives, and i guess things got too busy, which is fine.

this is really the only site where i can explain to people i actually trust instead of on twitter where people i know i cant trust with the shit i tell my medi friends reside and, well, fuck it. lol

i hope this sort of helped you understand what's been keeping me back from being on discord or medi and wherever else. if you want to talk about anything, just comment on this post and i'll try to respond. i'm not sure when i'll actually get the courage to go back on discord because of the pessimistic part of my mind asking me "fuck. you've missed out, huh? too much has changed. there's really no going back" every. single. fucking. time. i think about discord and all that

to lighten things up a bit uhh, i'm trying to get into new stuff. i think my tf2 and danganronpa phases have passed for the time being and i'm really into gta IV/gta V after playing them each a couple times?? idk
my marvel/mcu phase is back (waiting for the new venom movie in june because they postponed it when it was supposed to come out in october of last year :cry: fuck covid)
also, i'm kind of trying my best to understand dream smp without becoming a braindead stan so yeahh. not really super into it yet, though

and last of all, i renamed my ao3 account because it used to have my deadname aha (still trying to find a new pfp because the kylov one is funny but pretty old) so it's now PREZIDENT because everything good was taken

thanks for reading if you got this far. really makes my day to see that you put in your time to read whatever i ramble about

<3

- Prez/Kivun

TW for brief mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, mental illness, religion, addiction, underage drinking, covid (idk if thats a serious trigger for some people but yeah it's kind of mentioned in this) etc etc just dark topics in general when i start ranting.
if any of these topics genuinely upset you, i'd advise to stop reading when i begin to rant (the paragraph that starts with "trying to stay on the bright side is hard") and move onto the paragraph that starts with "for the medibang people"

so, i thought by now that it's been like a month since i've last been on discord - or atleast on here haha. i don't really know, though, it's hard to keep track of time after /it/ happened, again

i'm not sure if people besides those that mainly (but rarely) talk to me on medi will see this, but if people from discord by chance /do/ see this... i'm sorry.

i'll try to explain the best i can of what has happened recently without giving out too much personal info, since i'm pretty bad at hiding stuff like that when i /really/ want to tell someone about it, and i can't.

anyways, bare with me, because this is going to be long.

for those that don't know, my family is pretty... strange. backwards schedule of sleeping, weird rules and all that. my mom and my other guardians are pretty lenient when it comes to making rules, so we don't have many that normal jewish/christian households have (besides the religious ones, ofc) but the few rules that my family /does/ enforce are to be followed. without question

one of those rules has become against interacting with strangers. of course, social media is allowed if we're responsible enough, (surprisingly the wifi here in my country doesn't actually suck half the time where i'm at??) but if you know me, i suck at keeping responsibility, despite mostly being the oldest out of my online friends (with a few exceptions like kurt, alina, emma, etc being some years older but thats beside the point)

so, in summary, i haven't had a good past with the internet and my usage of it... so i'm not really the most trustable person when it comes to using it. and my mom, /definitely/ knows that by now considering i've used it for almost 7-8 years, always coming up with new ways to surprise her by using my intellectual (/hj) abilities to find ways to get onto it. no matter what the fuck she does to restrict me from it

by now, you probably guessed the reason i haven't been online too often. yeah, yeah. i was caught. again. because i didn't cover my tracks good enough and i was caught unprepared. again.

but, that wasn't the reason i thought i was going to be gone for a looooong time, again.

if you didn't know, i actually am dating someone in real life. surprisingly, i've gotten out of my habit of being an e-dater, which is more of a blessing than it is a curse, because now i get real women instead of virtual. fuck yeah!!!!!

my family also has another rule against that, though. because of religious views, i can't date anyone until i'm 18 or something, which is like... fuck it, man. i'm more of a friend than a partner or whatever to my current s/o, but i still love her man c'mon

but anyways, because of this, my gf (who we'll call A since that's what her name starts with) and me have to be a couple steps ahead of both of our families, who are both pretty insanely religious and live by the 18+ dating rule. it's hard sometimes, but we've managed so far, and i'm proud of that.

though, all good things come to an end eventually.

on the first week that i temporarily left discord, and the internet as a whole, my mom got a phonecall from A's older sister and she told me that she had covid which, fuck, man. it wasn't super severe, but it did worry the shit-ton out of me because she's both my best irl friend and my s/o

i haven't actually seen her in weeks by now, though i do get texts occasionally from A's family telling me that she's doing well so far. i'm afraid that's subject to change, but i'm trying to be optimistic, and trying to be there for her family mostly but i can't do much. wish i could, cuz i know if that was my daughter/sister/other i would definitely be scared shitless for her life

trying to stay on the bright side side is hard, and i've let things slip to my mom because i've been trying to talk more and more to her, trying to lay low on discord, too. i've let it slip that i have a girlfriend, that i'm still talking to people on the internet, because my mom has told me so many times that i can come to her for anything. i've been trying to make sure she can stay true to that, until i told her about the rules being broken for the 100th time in only a few years. i regret it, of course, but, damn. i can't really do /shit/ anymore.

i gave her back my sister's phone. i hid as much stuff as i could, though i kept the discord app on there since i told her already. she was already pissed that i had hid my sister's phone from my family when i knew they were looking desperately for it. she'd get even more pissed that i hid stuff, even asking if i thought she was stupid because i was being an idiot and not covering my tracks well enough. so much for an "intellectual."

all i'm thankful for is that she didn't look at the messages at all, though the part that made me feel somewhat guilty was when she said that it was too painful to read the messages, because she knows. she knows that i'm not hesitant to give out personal info like my country or real name. maybe she even thinks i'll fucking dox myself /and/ her and the whole rest of Kivun's Fucking Family. i'm not /that/ much of an idiot, thankfully.

after all of this shit, i'm just indifferent, though. this has happened over and over, and it's become like a routine for me to get in trouble and get my shit taken away, only for my actual shit to be given back only days later because she feels bad that i'm trying to do anything i can to find something else to do. i never go outside anymore. i never really do anything except occasionally sneak on here again because my sister is gullible enough to leave her phone out instead of hiding it like my mom instructed. she's only 7, almost 8, and i'm already taken advantage of her.

as far as i'm concerned, my mom is too sympathetic. she can be a real asshole sometimes, but compared to me, she's a literal angel. i don't really know what was wrong when she had me. i grew up to be this fucked up prick who got into rehab at the young age of 15 because i enjoyed arab alcohol a little /too/ much than i should have.

at this point, i'm just hoping that i'll mature. even a little bit. become more trustworthy, more responsible, so i don't have to lie every single day. time is running out for the first semester of my homework to be handed in. the deadline is march, and yet i'm too lazy to do shit because all i do is sneak on, watch edits, read fanfiction, play xbox, etc etc.

at first, i was glad, to be honest. that discord was finally gone. i was finally knocked out of that goddamn cycle of narcissism and just pain. fucking /pain/, and i didn't even realize it until it got taken away from me, and i was barely punished. /barely/!

i guess god has been punishing me. maybe because i've been questioning my religion like every other teenage boy. i wanted to grow up with my religion because i didn't mind it at first, but fuck. all i can think about is "if jesus, god, the lord, or whoever the fuck cares, wouldn't i have been saved at this point? wouldn't we all?" recently. every single time i think about finally ending it all. and i still can't get it. i was diagnosed with something i wanted at a young age because i thought it was "cool," but now i can see that depression is /not/ a fucking accessory to wear proudly like a diamond necklace or makeup or whatever. it's just a burden.




wow.

i'm really sorry that this got /this/ dark. i didn't mean to rant as much as i did, but... damn. i just needed to get some shit out that i've been holding in for awhile. this was just supposed to be something professional, but i guess i've crossed the line at this point lol

for the medibang people reading this, even if we aren't friends or associate in the slightest, i'm really glad that you're still here. i know medibang has died, fuck, /i've/ died. most of my friends have, too, but i'm trying. for now i'm going to try and be on here until if i can see if i have the balls to go back on discord again, but just know that i'm appreciative of every single fucking post i see on my timeline feed. i may not comment, or heart it, or whatever else, but it just puts a smile on my face when i see it

for the discord people, i've dmed kurt and tex in a gc a few times about this. i'm not sure if either of them have told you what i told them to say if any of you guys asked, or if they're too shy or something to say anything, but all i know is that i'm really the only reason they're back on discord at all. so, if they haven't said anything, it's probably because they haven't had time. they have lives, and i guess things got too busy, which is fine.

this is really the only site where i can explain to people i actually trust instead of on twitter where people i know i cant trust with the shit i tell my medi friends reside and, well, fuck it. lol

i hope this sort of helped you understand what's been keeping me back from being on discord or medi and wherever else. if you want to talk about anything, just comment on this post and i'll try to respond. i'm not sure when i'll actually get the courage to go back on discord because of the pessimistic part of my mind asking me "fuck. you've missed out, huh? too much has changed. there's really no going back" every. single. fucking. time. i think about discord and all that

to lighten things up a bit uhh, i'm trying to get into new stuff. i think my tf2 and danganronpa phases have passed for the time being and i'm really into gta IV/gta V after playing them each a couple times?? idk
my marvel/mcu phase is back (waiting for the new venom movie in june because they postponed it when it was supposed to come out in october of last year :cry: fuck covid)
also, i'm kind of trying my best to understand dream smp without becoming a braindead stan so yeahh. not really super into it yet, though

and last of all, i renamed my ao3 account because it used to have my deadname aha (still trying to find a new pfp because the kylov one is funny but pretty old) so it's now PREZIDENT because everything good was taken

thanks for reading if you got this far. really makes my day to see that you put in your time to read whatever i ramble about

<3

- Prez/Kivun