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im upset

i wish that when i was a kid, my other interests were nutrured and explored. ive wasted 11 years of my life doing art related stuff, but you know what? freelance art was NEVER my dream job. it was just the thing that people kept encouraging me to do. the thing that ive dreamt of for such a long time was to be in a band.

thats what i wanted then and its what i want now. i wanted to be able to make music like green day and skillet and do tours and concerts, to have people love my music and see me how i see green day. but i never brought it up because i also liked art and people loved that i did art so i kept doing it. i never asked to do instruments for a long time because "you draw, why do you wanna do something else?". i never took choir for a long time because i was "the artist". but yk, im never forgetting elementary school.

when i got my hands on a guitar for the first time, it was like it was calling me. except when i told my mom about it she put me in piano. "you wanted to explore music, right? start with piano" but it was guitar i wanted to do. it was green day i wanted to be like.


only recently ive been able to do guitar and while its a bit difficult for me to read music (my aphantasia plays into having a hard time recogniing notes on a staff), and sometimes i cant move my fingers fast enough, my teacher tells me and my mom that im not just good at guitar, but im a NATURAL.

he loves my determination for it and i pick up on tabiture and chords really well. ive always been applauded for my poetry as well, which was my discreet way of songwriting. people always loved my voice too. my choir teachers both said i was natural at that. dont get me wrong, i love art, and i would be happy with doing freelance as my career.

but you know what? my dream of being like green day was never nurtured. it shouldve. my parents permitted me to listen to them, but they never helped me explore any other dreams. maybe it was because they dont care, or because it was expensive, who knows.

fun fact. my current branding is what i wanted my band to be called. TIRED YOUTH.

i hope that someday i can be like green day. i hope that someday i'll have my band. i hope someday i can do tours and live performances.

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