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Update: I will be gone perhaps until Tuesday, there’s just so many things overwhelming me- my grandma’s death, mainly. I need time to reflect on things. I was never close to her, but the things my grandpa has been doing, such as refusing to put her grandchildren on her obituary, mentally abusing my dad, and pretending my brother and I don’t exist.... I have never hated anyone at all before, and for sure not as fiercely.
Vent: - seeing how freely many of you, you brave, smart, and amazing people talk about your emotions, and attractions (romantic and sexual) - seeing that, I admit I’m a bit jealous.
I live in a community where reputation is everything, and I mean everything. Most emotions at all are considered sins. Show any feeling too much- you are labeled a disaster. And sometimes it doesn’t help being a bastard child (I was conceived illegitimate, though it is a bit easier because I’m adopted so I’m “cleansed” ) in an environment where very old fashioned ways are adored.
And if they knew how I feel/felt for my lovely Grace- if she knew even- that would be the end of my reputation. The end of everything for me- it’s extremely serious for me. I would be spat on, shunned, at least, and I am too afraid to think of what would be their limits.
I love her, my lovely girl, in all sorts of ways, not just platonically. I love her entire being- and perhaps it’s for that very reason I must put aside all my emotions. If I came out as anything, she would be affected as well, even though she’s of a higher class than I.
You- all of you who have come out as anything- you don’t know how lucky you are. You’re free, and yes, I understand there is still hardship, but st least you are able to be yourself comfortably. You all keep on being amazing. Never forget how lucky you are to have the courage. Im sorry if this offends anyone, let me know if this does.
