wheatfield 🏷 left a comment!
Sometimes, I just get really depressed and pull away from most of the people that I care about. I get stressed and overwhelmed and socializing just gets to be too much for me. It's a reason that I've stopped talking to a lot of people on here. Talking is just hard, and when I get depressed, and anxious, it's like my anxiety forces me to pull away before I can be abandoned.
This was easier to deal with when I only talked to people that I knew from the internet. I could fade out of existence and most people wouldn't really notice, or would brush it off as inactivity.
But things changed when I started going to choir and getting technical culinary education. Because now there were people that I had to see every single day who I couldn't just pull away from or stop talking to, or else it would actually be noticeable and it would hurt them. I'd go into school in the morning not feeling like talking to anyone and then would talk to my friends anyways because I felt like I was a bad friend otherwise, and because they would notice. And I would do that all day, and then I would go home, and the overstimulation and masking would drop and I would cry. I would cry and cry and cry and just want to be left alone so I could recover because school is just too much for my autism on some days.
I never want to go quiet and static, I never want to leave people. But it happens again and again, and again and again, people prove that most of the people that I consider friends don't notice when I'm gone.
I'm just scared to hurt people that I care about, even if I'm also scared that they won't care at all
