My brain keeps bringing back these memories of things I did in the past that I'm worried people will judge me for in the future. Like how I trashed Cupcake (my fursona) for a while when I found out that Ino89777 (The creator of Dutch Angel Dragons) was a bad person and when I found out other people like Mandopony, Kittydog, Sia and other celebs from my childhood were all actually very problematic. And I feel bad because I wasn't as educated on certain matters as I am now, I keep making mistakes (which I hate doing), I don't know if I should say what I did because it will just worry me more and I don't want anyone to hate me. In all those instances (Making my fursona, being in certain fandoms and other things) , my intentions were always good but I'm afraid that people will still think I'm a bad person all because I made a few mistakes and used to be a fan of a few problematic people before I knew how bad they were. I'm still disappointed in myself for it all and I'm questioning whether I'm still a good person or not. I was crying again about it earlier and I just can't even look at myself anymore. I hate how I keep making mistakes. I hate remembering things from my past, even though I always make a conscious effort to improve, I hate myself for everything at this point.

Trigger warning: Mentions of death. I know I've mentioned this before but I hate how I'm 17 and I'm such a crybaby. I just got back from my daily/nightly walk (whatever you want to say, depending on time zones) and it was fine up until I was climbing up the hill that leads to our house. About halfway up, I saw a dead cat (It must have gotten hit by a car). Idk why but I almost cried when I saw it just laying in the middle of the road. And just recently, I started crying because my favorite cactus plant, Spike, died recently. I named it after the cactus from Brawl Stars. Spike meant a lot to me, especially now because it was a gift from my grandma and after her death in April, it was an even better memory of her. And a few weeks ago, my mom accidentally over-watered it and it died. (It was a succulent plant, btw, and Grandma told me that they were a type of cactus.) I had Spike for at least somewhere between 2 to 4 years now, I think. My mom kept one healthy leaf from it so she told me that we might be able to save Spike, but it still hurt. I don't know why I let myself become so attached to a cactus. I feel so silly for crying over seeing a dead cat and hearing that my favorite plant died. I'm going to be 18 next year and I'm trying to grow up/be mature but no matter how hard I try, I'm always just as much of a crybaby as I was before. And there are so many other things from my past that are causing me stress/anxiety and I can't get it to stop.
I JUST WANT TO STOP BEING A CRYBABY AT MY AGE! I WANT TO BE MATURE! I WISH I DIDN'T FEEL THESE EMOTIONS AS STRONGLY AS I DID!

Just a quick warning: There's going to be quite a bit of cussing during this rant.

So, recently, over on Omlet Arcade (the app I use to do my Brawl Stars livestreams), I've been getting bullied by two people all because I like K-Pop. I'm over that now but what I'm NOT over is the fact that when I checked both of their profiles, they openly stated that they were both racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist and were just straight up assholes. One of them, named leo_stormberg, even went as far as saying that he was both a sex offender AND a white supremacist! Keep in mind he even revealed that he's 18 so this makes it even more disturbing. But don't worry. I blocked the bitch so he won't be bothering me. And I reported him but unfortunately, he has a new account. His content was pretty bad, too. And by bad, I mean it was promoting hatred, which was against the Terms Of Service (ToS.) Another person, named 3x.dawn, is just as bad, if not worse than Leo. Both of them uploaded a video of a man burning a rainbow Pride flag and replacing it with a swastika (Nazi symbol) flag, which greatly bothered me. And with 3x.dawn, in a group chat, he asked me to draw him a picture of a "furry slayer robot" but I just said "I'll think about it" which in this case, I used as "no". Why does that dumbass think that I would draw something that promotes hatred towards the furry fandom, especially since I'm a furry myself? I'm trying to COUNTERACT the toxicity on social media, not contribute to it, dumbass! (That was directed at 3x.dawn, not anyone reading this. Didn't want there to be any confusion.) Anyway, I filled out a form that a staff member made available to report users who violate the ToS, Ireported both of them and so far, they only dealt with Leo since I just reported the other person not too long ago. I don't see why social media sites say that cyberbullying, racism, homophobia and the like aren't allowed on their platform yet they don't do anything about it when it happens! And it's not just Omlet Arcade that has this problem. TikTok is even worse! When you go to describe yourself when you try to apply for their Content Creator program, which allows you to make money off of TikTok, similar to YouTube, if you say that you support the BLM movement or other minority groups, they label it as inappropriate but when you say you support white supremacy, they're okay with it! TikTok even terminated someone's livestream and possibly banned his main account just because he mentioned that he was gay! Like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, TIKTOK?! And over on Instagram, one of the artists I'm subbed to on YT has been facing lots of racist remarks and when she called them out, Instagram took down her post claiming it was "hate speech" and they didn't do shit about the comments/posts made by the motherfuckers who were actually promoting hate speech! GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER, INSTAGRAM! And with YouTube, they have a problem with bots who make playlists of videos where the thumbnails are very sexually explicit, even though they mentioned that that kind of content is against their ToS and now I can't look up anything without seeing those playlists. I CAN'T EVEN LOOK UP DISNEY UNIVERSE GAMEPLAY VIDEOS OR JOJO MEMES WITHOUT SEEING THOSE DAMN PLAYLISTS AND I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT! AND they also have a problem with bots who have lewd profile pictures, comment random things, either sexual or not related to a particular video, and when you look at the about section on their channels, they leave a link to either, most likely, an NSFW site or a site that's probably chock-full of viruses. That's why it's important to not click on any suspicious links and to be careful of who you interact with online. Anyways, aparrently, YouTube is just letting this bullshit slide but they go absolutely fucking batshit insane when someone makes a video that doesn't even violate any of the Terms of Service or Community Guidelines. YOUTUBE, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?! And another problem that TikTok has is that recently, it went down for three whole hours and when it was back up, everyone's For You page was fucked up! Especially for people in the LGBTQIA+ community! Their For You pages were filled with videos from homophobic and transphobic people and TikTok was banning everyone who wasn't a total hate-filled asshole! And during Pride Month, they gave "FYP" a new meaning, which was "For Your Pride" yet they kept and most likely still are silencing the LGBTQIA+ community. You can't even post videos of serious topics to raise awareness of them! This is absolute fucking bullshit and I'm fucking sick of it! To all the social media platforms I mentioned and the ones I didn't mention, GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER! NONE OF THIS BULLSHIT IS OKAY! THIS IS SO FUCKED UP AND YOU KNOW IT! RACISM, HOMOPHOBIA, TRANSPHOBIA, SEXISM, WHITE SUPREMACY, CYBERBULLYING AND ALL THE LIKE ARE NOT OKAY! YOU SHOULD NOT BE PROMOTING THIS BULLSHIT TO US, ESPECIALLY IF YOU SAY THAT HATEFUL CONTENT IS AGAINST YOUR TERMS OF SERVICE AND COMMUNITY GUIDELINES! YOU'RE BEING A BUNCH OF FUCKING HYPOCRITES AND IT'S NOT COOL! SO GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER AND CHANGE THIS! Okay. I'm done ranting for now. Sorry if I went too crazy but this is something that needs to be addressed and shouldn't be ignored. These social media sites need to do a better job of monitoring hateful content instead of banning non-hateful content. It's just something that really bothers me and I needed to get this off my chest before I exploded out of pure anger.

I'm not leaving the JoJo fandom again but for some reason, I don't know if I really like being a JoJo fan anymore. It's an on-and-off thing, mainly because I can't look at/watch anything JoJo related without think of this time last summer when some kid on Brawl Stars decided to bully me in front of 10 or so of my friends and then play it off as a joke, saying that I needed "actual help" because I was upset and tried to call them out. All I did was post a message saying how I thought that Gold Mecha Bo looks similar to The World (Dio's Stand) and this kid said "Bruh. JoJo fans are mega gay, no cap." My friend, SALTYROSA, stepped in but unintentionally made things worse. This kid started picking on them instead of me, still going on about their hatred for JJBA fans. They called me pathetic and I THINK a few other names but if they did, I can't remember what they were. ALL BECAUSE I LIKE A CERTAIN ANIME/MANGA! Keep in mind that SALTYROSA didn't even like JoJo but at least they were mature enough to know better than to bully people they don't even know over something innocent. I started rewatching JoJo recently but I can't even make it through one episode without thinking of that whole thing. Like, every single time I see something JoJo-related, I always feel guilty for being a fan of it because of how I got bullied for it. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I still feel like I did. Just like how my frenemy, William, bullied me in front of a bunch of people all because I like Brawl Stars. For a while, and even still now and then, I can't log into my Brawl Stars account without feeling guilty because he made me sound like I was a subhuman piece of scum ALL BECAUSE I LIKE A CERTAIN MOBILE GAME! And honestly, I don't see how I left the JoJo fandom four or five times already because of the same reason but I never quit Brawl Stars because of that. Like, why was I able to still like one thing but not the other even though I got bullied for liking both? I wish I could stop worrying about it but I'm tired of people bullying me for just being myself and making me out to be a horrible person for it. Like, I told Mom about how Otakon (an anime/manga convention) is coming up next month and I told my friends that if I'm able to go, I'd cosplay as Dio again and if I couldn't pull that off, I'd just wear something JoJo-related. But now I'm not so sure because of a few things. 1: Almost everyone hates JoJo fans. 2: I'm afraid of being labelled as a "crazy Dio fan" if I cosplayed as him, or being ridiculed for not looking exactly like him, if you take my gender, weight, height, hair color/length and what I would use for the costume/makeup into consideration. 3: I'm afraid of other anime fans bullying me for liking JoJo. If I could keep it a secret, I gladly would. And I don't want people assuming that I'm toxic, annoying, pathetic or whatever just because I like JoJo. The majority of people who hate the fandom assume that EVERYONE who's a part of it is toxic and I don't like the fact that I'm associating myself with such a toxic community, if you can even call it that. 4: Aparrently, a lot of JoJo fans are known to hate on people who like other animes, mainly My Hero Academia. I wouldn't do that to anyone because I have a lot of friends that like it and I also like it myself. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that IF I end up going to Otakon, or if I'm just around other people in general, I'm afraid of being bullied for still being a JoJo fan and having a ton of false labels being slapped onto me. I want to be able to show other people that I might have a common interest with them but at the same time, I just want to keep it all a secret so I can avoid being hated for something harmless. I honestly have no idea why I'm so upset over this, still. The whole things happened last summer (being bullied for liking JoJo) and last September (being bullied for liking Brawl Stars). I even still feel guilty about liking My Little Pony at 17 because I got bullied for that, too, even though it was YEARS AGO! AT LEAST 10 YEARS, AT BEST! And being a furry because the same kid who bullied me for liking Brawl Stars also bullied me for being a furry, which resulted in me leaving the fandom for two years (also known as "probably the worst two years of my life") and not wanting to tell any of my real friends that I was a furry, even though a lot of them are furries themselves. There's a lot that I feel guilty about when I know it's all things that are innocent/harmless, at least in my case. Sorry about the whole "essay" here (LOL) but I like to get certain things off my chest so they don't haunt me for the rest of the night/day.

I'm still a JoJo fan. My emotions are just all over the place so I'm flip-flopping a lot. Still trying to work on not taking hate from others too personally, too. Not quite a pro at it yet.

So. i ended up leaving the JJBA fandom for what would be the fourth time now. I just can't stop thinking about that time that that jerk on Brawl Stars bullied me for being a JoJo fan in front of at least 10 other people. It keeps coming back to haunt me and I'm so sick of feeling guilty about the whole thing. And everyone outside the fandom hates everyone who's a part of it. The fandom keeps getting more and more toxic and that leads to more and more people hating us. I just can't take it anymore. I'm sick of associating myself with groups that people don't like. Everyone has the wrong idea of me because of that. I want people to know that I'm a good person so I'm willing to change who I am to ensure that. I'm already trying to distance myself from the fandom as much as I can. I stopped cuddling with my JoJo body pillow (Jotaro on one side, Dio on the other), I've stopped watching the anime, I've stopped watching videos of it on YouTube, I had a few JoJo Shimejis (little animated characters) on my phone (Jotaro and Dio) but I switched them to Jin and Taehyung of BTS. And I was saving up my Star Points so I could buy Gold Mecha Bo in Brawl Stars because he reminded me of The World (Dio's Stand) but I don't think I'll actually buy him. I'll probably just put my Star Points towards another skin. And I'm not going to draw any JoJo fanart anymore. My OCs, probably. I don't know yet. And I'm trying to get into Fist Of The North Star, which one of my friends said is similar to JoJo. And I hate myself for this but I was crying quite a bit earlier because of all of this. I miss being a JoJo fan but I just can't take the hate anymore. I can't stand it when people assume that I'm annoying or toxic just because I used to be a JoJo fan. And I've had enough of that bad memory from last summer coming back to haunt me almost every day. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons and while I THINK the pros outweigh the cons, I'm not going to risk having people bully me for something harmless again. At this point, I'd rather cry myself to sleep than be bullied again. And while it's possible that I might go back to the JoJo fandom, right now, I don't really see that happening. I'm just so, so, SO tired of being ridiculed for this and so far, leaving the fandom is the only thing I can think of that will keep people from hating me. I can't really think of anything else. I wanted to stay so I could show people that there WAS a good side of the fandom but because of how much worse it's become, I don't think my efforts would even help. Why can't I be in a fandom that isn't toxic? So far, the only fandom I'm in that isn't toxic is Disney Universe but all the others are toxic as f**k and that's why people hate them.

Sorry I haven't been active all that much. I've been taking some time to assess my mental health and other things that needed done. I hope you're all doing well. I'm planning on doing a Brawl Stars charity stream for The Trevor Project this month over on my Omlet Arcade account so let's hope everything goes well. The last time I did a fundraiser for a charity stream, something went wrong when I sent the link to the fundraiser to someone so I hope that that won't happen again. And if you need a laugh, here's a meme I made of Sunny. I've been trying to make memes of my OCs and this is one of them.

Sorry it was so long. I just really needed to let off some steam at that moment.

Well, looks like life is just getting worse! That's just peachy-keen! Grandma made the decision to get lower doses of chemo even though they might not cure her cancer but now she seems to be having second thoughts. And she's being bitchy about everything we try to do. Everything that Mom and I do is always wrong! Whenever I'm around Grandma, I can't do ANYTHING that makes me happy. I can't do ANYTHING to take care of myself! IT'S ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HER! WHY ARE MY NEEDS NOT IMPORTANT ANYMORE?! WHY?! I've already given up on so many things that made me happy and helped me cope with stress and now I can't do those things anymore. And I lashed out at Mom and Grandma because of all of this and I hate myself for it so I'm torturing myself again. I'm leaving the DU fandom again. I'm giving up on my age regression, I'm quitting DU permanently. Makes sense to me since I can't play that game without Grandma needing me to get up 100 times. And I can't genuinely enjoy playing it when that self-centered old lady is bitching about everything. It just sucks all the fun out of it so I'm probably better off just quitting the game and the fandom altogether. Aparrently nobody cares about me or Mom anymore amd everyone's trying to make me miserable so I figured I might as well just do it myself. I hate doing this to myself but I can't help it. Every time I think the day will be good, it immediately goes downhill. All I want is to be myself. My TRUE self. All I want is to be happy again. I want to be able to genuinely enjoy my hobbies instead of having to give up on them. I know I've quit Disney Universe lots of times already but every time I DO get to play the game, I usually only have time to play through one level before Grandma starts bossing me around. And during that time that I AM playing, I don't even have fun playing it anymore. And Mom keeps pointing how I still get to do other things to cope with this whole situation so that means I shouldn't focus on what I've given up on. So aparrently, that means that I should just forget about the Disney Universe fandom and the age regression community altogether even though I miss both of those things? Seems legit. I just hate how when I'm around Grandma, I'm ALWAYS sacrificing my happiness and sanity to provide her with what she needs at the time. I hate how I can't be myself anymore. Damn it. There I go again getting overly upset about things that aren't a big deal. All I did was quit a video game that I really liked and give up on a coping mechanism that was healthy and genuinely healthy. I shouldn't be upset about that. Especially since Mom wants me to forget about those things. So I guess I can't tell her that I miss doing those things. So yeah. Looks like I STILL can't be myself anymore. That's just lovely. I'm already crying and I hate myself for it. I'm being a crybaby over things that aren't a big deal and I hate it! I mean, sure, I already really miss being a DU fan and a little (age regressor) but I just won't show it and I'll try my best to forget that I was ever a part of those communities and I'll do whatever I can to make it easier for me to forget. Hopefully I can forget about them completely.

Great. Looks like I can't be myself around my own mother now. I can't say anything to her without setting her off and I fucking hate it! Because of all this bullshit with my grandma's cancer, Mom's been stressing and she's gone full-on edgy kid mode and is all "Nobody knows what I'm going through!" I guess that means that what I'm going through is invalid, even if it's not as severe. That's just lovely! I hate my "family" so much right now. And I feel like my friends care more about me than my biological family does. At least I can be my true self aroung my friends but it sucks that I can't be myself around Mom anymore since she was the only person in the "family" that accepted me for who I was but now she hates me! Great! And I feel like if I were more like my older brother, she'd love me again but I can't take being someone I'm not anymore. At least today, I got to be myself around my friends. They're the only people who truly accept me for who I am. I just wish that my biological family would accept me as well. I'm probably taking all of this too personally but I just hate how Mom is acting like an edgy 12-year-old emo kid. I hate how I can't say anything without making her angry. I hate how I feel like everything I do is wrong. She always takes every conversation we have that leads to an argument and makes it all about her. She invalidates my feelings all because the things that upset me are less severe than everything else going on. She always keeps making empty promises that she can't keep. I'm honestly still a little pissed about the whole Supercell Make thing. Too bad it'll be years before I can make my dreams become a reality. The last time they did a campaign for Supercell Make, Mom said "We'll do whatever we can" and we didn't do anything. All we did was let time slip by and allow other people to make skins for Bibi that are 1,000x better than mine. If only I could be as good as Gedi-Kor and Chrono Pierce and maybe Mom would actually understand how much that goal meant to me. Well, now it got crushed once again and she's too busy being edgy to even care! And I can really tell that Supercell is laughing in my face because a few days ago in that day's skin rotation in the Brawl Stars shop, 2 Supercell Make skins were in that rotation: Nutcracker Gale and Underworld Bo. I guess that's Supercell's way of saying "Sucks to be you!" Too bad nobody cares about my dreams anymore. I guess being dysfunctional is more important to my family than anythibg right now.

So, I just saw a community post on the Brawl Stars YT channel announcing a new Supercell Make campaign. This time, people are supposed to come up with a summer-themed skin for Nita and her bear, Bruce. Shortly after seeing the post. i got an idea for a cute skin for them that looks like a unicorn pool floatie. Then I checked all the other details about the campaign on the SC Make website and submission closes/ends on April 18th. That's hardly enough time for me to figure out how to use a 3D program! I still don't have a computer and a 3D program to submit my ideas. Why is it that whenever I want to do something that involves Brawl Stars, I'm only met with disappointment? First, it was not getting Star Shelly, then it was the Supercell Make campaign for Bea and Bibi, then the one for Gale, then my Virus 8-Bit costume not being finished in time for Halloween, then my Valentine's Day charity livestream didn't work out and now it's the Supercell Make campaign for Nita. Who am I kiddibg? Maybe I'm not meant to see those ideas come to life. I'm just so sick of having my dreams crushed all the time. First, it was my dream of being a fashion designer (Which got crushed when I was 12), then it was my dream of seeing a real unicorn (Which my brother crushed when I was 15) and NOW it's my dream of seeing my skins make it into Brawl Stars. Why do you have to keep doing this to me, Supercell?! Why do you have to keep crushing my dreams over and over?! I'm so done! I'm done with making skin ideas. I'm tired of putting my heart into every single skin I draw and it's still never enough. I'm not quitting Brawl Stars altogether, I'm just not going to make any new skin ideas anymore. Ally Emz and Cyberpunk Max are the last skins I'll ever make. Why do my hopes always have to keep getting crushed? I'm really crying while typing this. It's always about Gedi-Kor and Chono Pierce and how amazing THEIR skins are but WHAT ABOUT MINE?! NOBODY EVER COMMENTS ON MY SKIN IDEA POSTS ANYMORE, THEY NEVER GET FEATURED IN ANY OF THE COMPILATIONS THAT OTHER PLAYERS MAKE. ARE MY SKIN IDEAS REALLY THAT AWFUL?! Note to self: Stop being a dreamer. It's best to give up on your dreams before you get your hopes up too high.

Okay. I will admit, I'm not really leaving the Disney Universe fandom. I was just upset about so many things that I said something I didn't mean. I just hate how when I say I'm leaving a fandom, it's A) for all the wrong reasons and B) a fandom I enjoy being a part of. I just have a tendency to say things I don't mean when my emotions are up the walls. I'm just thinking that it's probably not a good idea to leave when I'm already upset about so many other things. That just adds to the stress. I know that this whole thing makes me look like I'm an indecisive person and in some ways, I am. And I'm sure Grandma would be okay with me playing the game maybe as long as I don't have the volume up too high. I'm just on this crazy emotional roller-coaster and I do/say things that I don't mean or that don't really help me feel better. But anyways, I'm not leaving. (Hopefully not, anyways. I just hope I don't change my mind later and make myself feel worse.?

I know nobody cares, but I'm really leaving the Disney Universe fandom this time. I just hate how I can't play that game anymore because of how it might bother Grandma and I won't be able to get through a single level without having to get up 50 times before finally reaching the end. People on YT are asking me to post more DU videos but that won't happen so I don't know how to respond to them. I don't know why this just started bothering me but I never minded quitting the game until just today. I miss it but I'm never going back to it. Ever. Sorry if any other DU fans hate me now. I just hate how so far, this year, all I've done is give up on things that made me happy and it's been Hell. And yes, I'm leaving the fandom permanently. I'll miss it, like, a lot but it's probably best if I don't go back to it. I wish I never found out about that game. I wish I never became a fan of it. I wish I never played it. I don't want anything to have to do with it ever again! I'm removing every DU video I've ever watched from my YT watch history, I'm removing every search I made related to the game from my YT/Google search history, I MIGHT delete all of my DU fanart but I don't know if I can bring myself to; I'm changing both of my profile pictures (Here and on YouTube), I'm deleting all of my DU memes from my phone, I'm done with cosplaying as the characters from the game, I was crocheting a few plushies of Quorra, Stitch and Angel but I won't finish crocheting them, I'm trashing Angel, my Guestsona, since I'm not in the fandom anymore, I'm just so done with it! I can't even watch a trailer for the game or look at one of the edits I made of the characters without almost crying. I was crying until 6/7:00 in the morning earlier today! I'm just so. Fucking. Done! I hate this whole situation with Grandma where I can't do any of the things that used to make me happy and I'm constantly sacrificing my happiness and sanity just to make sure Grandma is okay. I just want things to go back to normal. I just want to go back... I can't do this anymore. I just can't. But a lot of this is out of my control so I can't do anything about it. So anyways, goodbye, DU fandom. Thanks for making my time in the fandom a great one, even though it was short. I'm okay with other people being into the game if that's their thing. I'm just no longer a fan of it myself. I'll miss it.😭

I hate how I get upset over the smallest things. Recently, Mom got upset with me over something and she kept going on about how she's been though far worse than me, which is true, but it makes me feel guilty whenever I get upset over small things that are still important to me. For some reason, I keep thinking of how I wasn't able to submit my skin ideas for that one Supercell Make campaign. I don't even know if it's still worth trying for a future campaign at this point. And I'm still kinda bummed that I never got to finish working on my Virus 8-Bit costume for Halloween last year. I just have a feeling that with everything going on now, I'll never get around to it. And I unknowingly/unintentionally quit playing Disney Universe and I miss it. I've been too afraid to go back to playing it because my XBOX is in the same room as Grandma and it's hard for me to enjoy playing the game when I can hear her complaining or moaning/screaming in pain. And since Mom and I are busy taking care of Grandma all damn day, I don't have time to play it anymore. I was looking forward to unlocking the "Ultimate Cosmic Power" achievement but I guess I'll never get to do that, either. I'm actually crying while typing this and I fucking hate myself for it. There are far more important things for me to be upset about and here I am being a crybaby about something as small as quitting a video game, having a hope crushed and a cosplay fail. What the hell is wrong with me?! I really wish I weren't like this. I want to change this but I don't know if I can. I know Mom hates this about me but I can't help it. I know she's gone through far worse and that the things I'm upset about are insignificant/unimportant but I can't help the fact that I'm still a crybaby at 17. I just wish I never got into Disney Universe and Brawl Stars if I had known I would be upset about something as dumb as this! Why are my hobbies/interests so important to me when I know they shouldn't be? I really wish I weren't like this. I hate myself so much right now. I've told Mom about when these things bothered me before but I don't want to tell her again because I'm worried she'll get upset about it again. We've all been on edge lately and I feel like I can't say anything to anyone anymore. Not even Mom. I just wish I could grow up and stop being such a fucking crybaby because I hate myself for it.

You know how I said that I'm desperate to prove to my "family", specifically, one of my aunts, that I can be mature? Well, I've been thinking about the changes I'm going to make when it comes to that. But I've mainly been focusing on changing my style. (Clothing/makeup) I'm done with all the pink, cutesy unicorn stuff I used to wear. Now I'm sticking with grey, black and other neutral colors. Same goes for makeup and nails, too. I'll just stick with neutral colors and ditch all the bright colors. But I need some advice on what colors/patterns would make a good outfit for me to wear so I can look more mature. I'm going to miss wearing pink hoodies and unicorn leggings and other fun stuff but if I want to be more mature, looking the part would help. My style has always been kinda crazy so I need some tips to kinda tone things down. I just can't stop thinking about how my aunt expects me to act like a fully-grown adult when I'm still a child in a lot of ways. I want to prove to her that I CAN be mature. I CAN grow up. I CAN be who she wants me to be. I'm so sick of not being accepted for who I am so I decided that I NEED to make some major changes. I know it seems like a petty move to make but I'm just so desperate for my "family's" approval and acceptance.

I was playing Power League in Brawl Stars last night and we were playing Siege. I had been teamed up with an EXTREMELY toxic Sprout. He didn't do anything to contribute to our team during the match. All he did was shoot at me non-stop and spam the angry pin at me. That's a way that players pass the blame to other players on their team, for those who didn't know. In Power League, the first team to win two battles wins the match and my team lost. Sprout was not happy about it. During the second battle, he did absolutely nothing to help me and my other teamnate. He just stayed in a corner on our side of the map and whenever I'd come back or respawn, all he did was shoot at me. He was just wasting his ammo, energy and time. I honestly feel sorry for that player that he was petty enough to be that much of a jerk to me. I ended up caving in and jokingly gave him a taste of his own medicine, which I now regret. Now I know to be more mature when in a team with toxic randoms. So, to my toxic teammate, if you're reading this, grow up. Being toxic to your teammates isn't cool. It just makes you a jerk. And we don't need more negativity in the world. You're just adding to it. That guy was the most toxic random I had ever encountered in the game. I'm glad he isn't in my Club because there are already a bunch of times I can recall where toxic people have been in our Club. (For instance, the one guy who bullied me for liking JJBA, the one trans girl who fat-shamed me in front of everyone when I never said anything bad about her, someone who said they were better than us, etc.)

I'm not sure how many of you still play Disney Universe or have even heard of it, but for those who might have started playing it again or for those who have just started (The game's making a comeback so there are more new people playing it), here's some gameplay tips that might help. 1: Regardless of what costume you use, you'll be able to upgrade your weapon. Try to find the hidden key in each area of the level as quickly as you can. There's a sparkling key hidden in all three areas of each level that will allow you to unlock a chest that contains a glowing blue star that will upgrade your weapon, helping you to deal more damage to HEX's robots. 2: HEX will put tons of enemies in your way to slow down your progress and keep you from advancing to the next area in the level. Sometimes, these enemies will come in big swarms. From my experience, a good way to quickly get rid of multiple enemies at one time is to play a challenge. HEX will also leave arcade machines throughout the level for you to play a challenge. Whether you win or lose the challenge, after you're done, more times than not, those enemies that were giving you a rough time will be gone and out of your way. 3: There are two trapped Guests in each level so you'll need to play through certain levels more than once to unlock new characters/costumes. 4: Be warned that in some of the levels, there are really hard boss fights against AUTO (WALL-E), an evil mermaid (Pirates Of The Caribbean), Scar (The Lion King), faulty doors (Monsters Inc.), Jabberwocky (Alice In Wonderland) and Jafar (Aladdin) so when you get to those boss fights, be ready to have your patience tested. It helps if you have a maxed out costume in the fights against AUTO, Jabberwocky and Jafar. But don't let that discourage you at all. Just land as many attacks, slam attacks and uppercuts as you can and do whatever else you have to do and you'll be fine. Try your best not to rage too hard, by the way. 5: When you're up against a Brute, Bulldog, Roto or Spawner, grab one of the power-ups VIC leaves around the area for you. They really come in handy. Keep in mind that while it may seem like HEX tries to help as well, he's the main villain in the game so he's really trying to slow down your progress and test your patience. 6: Some challenges are harder than others so don't feel too bad if you end up losing. At some point, you'll win if you play it enough times. Be patient. 7: Try to save up your Gold for new levels first then spend what you have left on new costumes. Each new world that contains new levels costs 2,000 Gold while costumes are only 400-600 Gold. So save up as much Gold as you can and unlock more levels first. 8: Use a different character each time you play a level to see how many you can max out. There's an achievement in the game called "Ultimate Cosmic Power" which requires you to max out all your costumes in order to unlock it. (At least, that achievement is on the XBOX version. Not sure about the other ones, though.) 9: In the Door Factory level, there's a door that can only be opened by entering a certain color code. There are three computer screens you can interact with that three different shapes in red, green and blue. Match the colors on the three mini-screens with the ones on the door and you'll find a blue star to upgrade your character. You'll find that door when you first start the level so try to upgrade your character before you start attacking the bosses. The highest level your costumes can reach is Level 4 so if you have a newly unlocked costume and you use it in that level, upgrade your character first then play though the rest of the level. I know I probably made the game sound more difficult than it is but hopefully, these still help. Let me know if you need more gaming tips and I'lk post more topics related to those games. 💖

For anyone else here who plays Brawl Stars and needs some advice on how to up their brawling game, here's some tips that have helped me. 1: When playing Bounty, specifically Snake Prairie, if you have Tara and have her either at Level 7 or she's maxed out, make sure that, if you have it, the Gadget you have equipped is Psychic Enhancer. It'll really help you spot the enemy Brawlers in all the grass on that map. 2: When playing Showdown, remember this: Life over boxes! If an enemy Brawler goes after the same Power Cube you wanted, let them have it and get away. Find another box if you can and make sure you're not to close to other enemy Brawlers. 3: In Duo Showdown, if your teammate died and you have Power Cubes in front of you, wait until they respawn to grab them so you'll both have the Power Cube upgrades. 4: In Bounty, focus on killing the other team for most of the match until there's only one minute left. Then, shift your focus to surving the rest of the match. Keep a distance from the enemy team if you can. That doesn't mean don't attack. By all means, have at 'em. Just don't risk your life in the process. 5: If you're playing as Emz, attack from a good distance because your main attack will deal more damage the longer enemies are exposed to it. 6: When playing Gem Grab or any other 3v3 mode, make sure you and your teammates aren't bunched up together. That will make it easier for the enemy team to wipe you all out quickly. So, in the words of Moe Howard, SPREAD OUT! 7:If you're playing as a support Brawler like Gene, Poco or Pam, don't stray too far away from your team. You never know when they'll need your help so stay close to them whenever possible. 8: If you have Bull, Darryl, Max or Stu, use your Super as a means of escape in a dire situation. With Bull, Darryl and Stu, you'll be able to dash forward and get away from enemies easily. With Max, her speed boost will help you get away faster as well. 9: Try to line up your attacks with multiple enemies if they're bunched up if you're playing as Penny, Jessie or Tara. Their attacks can deal splash damage, meaning they can pierce through enemies which will help you charge up your Super faster. 10: Just have fun. That's what games are for. So try your best to not take winning or losing too seriously and just have fun! I hope this helps my fellow Brawlers. Let me know if you want Part 2. 💖

My aunt, Angela, just visited not too long ago and she kept telling to get a job, a car and a license when she wanted me to. She wants me to do it sooner than I'm ready to. Life is already overwhelming with having to take care of Grandma and all that other bullshit so why the fuck do I have to add "Give in to peer pressure and live up to my family's expectations" to my fucking to-do list? And my bedroom is cluttered as fuck so I told her I'm planning on getting rid of all my stuff and I meant ALL OF IT. Even things that meant a lot to me. I'm planning on getting rid of my MLP/unicorn/mermaid collection because I'm not a child anymore. I'm almost 18. And I have an anime body pillow I got for Christmas that I really liked using but since I'm not a JoJo fan anymore and I have other friends who like anime, I'll give away at least the pillow case and just get a normal one. Sure I'll miss cuddling with Jotaro and Dio at night but whatever. It's not about me. It's about what Angela wants aparrently. She's not an abusive person. She's very kind and generous but she DOES tend to be a bit of a control freak. So, what I told her was that I'm going to get my license soon, I'll get a car soon, I'll get a job soon and I already know which college I'm going to (Which I do). I'm not ready to do any of this but nobody gives a fuck! I've had to deal with family peer pressure since I was 10 years old! For 7 fucking years! I'm so fucking done and I'll do whatever the fuck it takes to finally get them to shut the fuck up! Sorry about the profanity. I'm just really pissed. I actually broke down crying in front of my grandma because of this! At this point, I'll do anything to please the family even if it brings me pain.

So, Grandma's finally home but it's been kinda hard. We can't leave her alone so Mom and I have to take turns watching her. I haven't done as much as Mom has but it's still been taking a toll on me. I had to miss my art class today because we can't leave her alone. It's like my therapy so I'm upset I had to give that up. I don't get as much time to take care of myself as I used to in the past. My sleep schedule is wack, I have my days and nights mixed up, I've been feeling drained. I haven't done as much as Mom has when it comes to taking care of Grandma but I still feel drained. She still has little bouts of confusion now and then and that's frustrating. And I hope you don't think any less of me because of this, but I've been using age regression as a coping mechanism (If you don't know what it is, there's TikTok compilations on YouTube that show what it is.) I don't regress to the mindset of a child, I just do things like coloring and watching cartoons and listening to songs about unicorns. Because of everything going on, I feel like I haven't been able to do that anymore. Another thing that helped me a lot was meditation. I used to listen to this one meditation that used a rose quartz stone on YouTube. But a friend of mine said not to use stones like rose quartz or whatever because it was Satanic. I mean, I'm a Christian but I don't see anythibg wrong with it. I was doing it innocently. And they mentioned gemstones in the Bible. In one of the books in it, a high priest wore different gemstones on his breastplate/armor. I don't like how I have friends who mean well but always shove their beliefs down my throat, acting like their way is the only right way. Anyways, meditation used to help me a lot but I unintentionally gave up on it. Gaming is another thing that helps me cope with stress and Disney Universe is one of the games I like to play when I'm stressed but since my XBOX is downstairs and that's where Grandma is, I've been too afraid to play it again because I don't want to too involved in the game and forget about her needs. I honestly feel like crying right now because it's only been two days that she's been home but it's been really hard. I've been giving up on things that helped me cope (unintentionally this time, though) and I'm really stressed. I just want things to go back to normal. I just want to be happy and stress-free again. IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?! I won't be able to see my friends at art class or Youth Group if we can't find anyone else in the family to watch her so if we can't, that means I have to give up on social outings that helped me to de-stress. I hope I'm not sounding selfish here. I was going to post some vent art but two things have been getting in my way. 1: Artblock has been a bitch lately.
2: I don't want people thinking I'm trying to start drama like someone said when I posted my vent art for when someone on Brawl Stars fat-shamed me in front of the whole Club. *Cough* Wolf! *Cough* I'm too afraid to vent in general sometimes because I'm worried Wolf or someone else will keep being insensitive and say that I'm only starting drama.
I can't do this anymore! All of this is too much for me to process at one time and with trying to care for Grandma and myself, I've been trying to find that balance but sometimes, I just can't seem to. I miss my friends, I miss being stress-free, I miss things being normal, I miss doing the things I used to enjoy doing. I didn't give up on them intentionally this time, though. It just happened. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have to keep living like this but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to keep going. (I'm not feeling suicidal, btw. I just mean that I don't know how much more stress I can take before I have an emotional breakdown.) I hate how I feel like I'm neglecting myself just so I can care for Grandma. I know I've given you all advice saying to make sure that you take care of yourself so you can keep caring for others but I wish it were easier for me to do that myself, especially now. Sorry that this is so long. I just have a lot to get off my chest. If you made it this far, thanks for bearing with me.

If you didn't see my latest vent art post, my grandma is coming home this weekend and with her current mental state, it's going to be hell! I thought I had past the worst but I now stand corrected. I'm not ready to sacrifice my happiness and sanity just to ensure everyone else's. Not now. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing interest in everything again. I'm probably going to temporarily quit playing certain games and I'm probably going to temporarily leave certain fandoms. Not every single one, though. For now, I might leave the Disney Universe fandom for a while. But don't worry. I'll be back. Just not sure when. I just don't like playing that game or watching videos related to it unless I know I'll genuinely enjoy playing the game and watching those videos. It's just that with some of my hobbies and interests, they're not worth my time in a negative situation. I hate giving up on things that used to make me happy but I doubt that I'll be happy for a while now. I hate how I get like this sometimes but I can't help it. And I've been dreading what's to come. Most likely, it'll be more visits from toxic family members, more busting my ass off waiting on Grandma hand and foot without any rest or time to assess my needs and more unrealistic expectations I have to live up to. At this point, I don't see the point in trying to get through this. I'm not strong enough. I've been feeling pretty suicidal lately but I don't think I could ever bring myself to go through with it. I'm just not looking forward to this at all. I won't be able to see my friends, I'm going to have to sacrifice my sanity to make sure Grandma's taken care of, my family is probably going to expect way more of me than I'm capable of. It's too much for me to handle. Now excuse me while I go cry in the corner.

Things have been getting worse for Grandma lately and it's been really depressing me. I found out from Mom that she has cancer and I'm pretty depressed at this point. Of course, Grandma is my main concern right now but I've noticed that absolutely nothing appeals to me anymore so I might give up on a few of my old hobbies. I'm just too upset to enjoy doing anything anymore. I don't like gaming anymore, I'm suffering from major artblock, I can't watch anything that I used to like without actually enjoying it anymore. I thought I healed from all of the pain I went through before but now those wounds have been reopened. And it really hurts. I'm just too sad to even enjoy living life anymore. And since nothing appeals to me anymore, here are the things I'm changing about myself: I'm quitting gaming altogether, not just Disney Universe, not just Brawl Stars, not just Among Us, I'm quitting it altogether; I'm going to try to find a job and possibly get my driver's license, I'm going to start dressing and acting more like an adult, I'm going to stop being the unicorn-obsessed womanchild that I am and find more hobbies and interests that are more age-appropriate and I'm leaving every fandom that I don't enjoy being in anymore. Especially the furry fandom. Almost all of the furries I used to think were good are a bunch of a-holes and I just don't want to be a furry anymore because of that. It's just not worth my time anymore. I'm just hoping that if Grandma survives this, she'll be proud of me for trying to change. I hope my whole family will be proud of me for trying to change. I just don't want to be seen as a failure or as "too different" so I'll try to change so I can be a normal, functioning human being that's actually contributing to society. All of this pain I've been going through has been really doing a number on me and I just can't take the loss of interest in anything anymore so I might as well just give up on it all.

I just found out earlier that yet another one of my former favorite furries turned out to really be a major a-hole. It's Kittydog. I used to be a big fan of hers before I knew how bad she really was but now I'm disappointed in myself for supporting such a toxic person. All of the furries I used to think were good are really a bunch of jerks! First it was Ino89777 (The creator of the Dutch Angel Dragon species), then Nos Hyena and now Kittydog. Who next? Majira Strawberry? Odin Wolf? Kinsley Kawaiikinz? Qwertz? Pineapple Fox? Buttercup? I'm feeling like the furry fandom isn't a good fandom to be in anymore. I'm close to really considering leaving again. Not sure if I'll go through with it because the good side of the fandon still means a lot to me but it's still a consideration I'm having. A G A I N ! I keep wavering between wanting to stay and wanting to leave and I feel like it makes me look indecisive. More likely than not, I'll stay and move on from this but I'm not entirely sure at this point. Okay, I'm done with my mini-vent/rant. Just had to get this off my chest because if I kept it bottled up, it would most likely haunt me for the rest of the night.

For those who didn't know, I'm back. This past week has taken a major toll on my mental health and emotional state but I'm slowly trying to get back up to a higher point. I've still been stressing because my grandma's been in the hospital for a few days but don't worry, everything is going well for her so far. I've still been a little overly edgy because of all the stress and I got into an argument with Mom because of something that happened, which was totally avoidable but did I keep my cool? Noooo! I just HAD to take it personally and then fly off the handle, acting like the immature jerkwad that I am. She even said it was out of my control when she first mentioned it but I took it too personally when we went into more detail and I "threw a temper tantrum", as she put it when we both snapped. Right now, I'm still feeling really guilty about it and I'm just hoping that I won't be this low tomorrow. But overall, I guess I'm doing okay. Not great, not horrible, somewhere in between. I've been on an emotional roller coaster and I just want to get off. I'm trying to work on all this, so I'll keep you all posted on how I'm doing if and when I actually improve.

To anyone else in here in the furry fandom, am I still allowed to change my fursona if I wanted to even though she's a Dutch Angel Dragon? A few months back, this immature kid (Actually a teen) named The Death League Ireland (Back then it was williamite williamite studios) told me that I can't change my fursona if it's a Dutchie because it "breaks the rules". Apparently, he says that Ino (The creator of the species) wrote some top secret rules for the species and that only he and Nimbus know them. Is he just trolling me or is this all legit? I don't want to be seen as a bad person or a rule breaker just because I changed my fursona just once! If this is legit, I guess I'm stuck as a Dutch Angel Dragon for the rest of my life, whether I like it or not. And I thought that my fursona was supposed to be how I see myself as a furry, not some edgy teen on the internet. I'm sick of people telling me how to live my life when it comes to trivial things such as this. It usually doesn't bother me because most of the time, I just don't give a damn about it but now I'm just worried that I might be breaking some secret furry rules that I didn't know even existed.

Okay. Somebody here is extremely sus. Now, who is it? Where's the Impostor?

Here's a wholesome meme for you all. I drew this pic of Virus 8-Bit a while back but used it as a sticker/emoji for when I texted my friends. I figured that it would be a cute image for a wholesome meme so here it is. I love you all. 💚

I hate how whenever I'm hopeful for something, the outcome is usually disappointment. This is stupid, but I'm pretty disappointed I didn't get to finish working on my Virus 8-Bit costume for Halloween. My mom wanted to help but we put it off until the last minute. Then my brother came over on Halloween so that delayed it more. I ended up pulling together a quite literally last minute Heroine Bibi costume. I liked how it turned out, but it wasn't what I had in mind. I just hate looking over at this stupid silver-painted cardboard box and almost always crying for no reason. Recently, I can't even look at a picture of that stupid 8-Bit skin without feeling a bit down. I know it's stupid to be upset over a stupid DIY Halloween costume but I was looking forward to it all year. And I'm still disappointed about the whole Supercell Make thing. I can't even look at my pictures of Dark Unicorn Bibi without crying sometimes. And I know we (my family) have more important things to do right now but I just feel like I'll never get that stupid costume done and I'll never get to see my skin ideas make it into Brawl Stars. And my grandma usually tells me not to cry over small things. I hate how I put so much importance into small things and get upset about it later. I hate how I get overly excited for something and get my hopes up too high only to be met by extreme disappointment. This almost always happens when I become disappointed. I always end up crying like the freaking baby I am and I hate it. I feel so silly for being so upset over small things but I can't help it. And usually, it helps for me to vent about whatever's bothering me so it won't haunt me for the rest of the day. I just wish I could learn to not get my hopes up too high. I sometimes wish I could stop being hopeful altogether. And I know I have WAY worse things to be upset over but I end up being more upset over dumb things like this and I wish I could change that.

🔵w🔵

So... This glitch showed up when I logged onto my Brawl Stars account and noticed something was off when everything appeared tiny. Except Emz, she's still normal but the rest if it wasn't. I was wheezing when I saw this. 😂😂😂