So, Grandma's finally home but it's been kinda hard. We can't leave her alone so Mom and I have to take turns watching her. I haven't done as much as Mom has but it's still been taking a toll on me. I had to miss my art class today because we can't leave her alone. It's like my therapy so I'm upset I had to give that up. I don't get as much time to take care of myself as I used to in the past. My sleep schedule is wack, I have my days and nights mixed up, I've been feeling drained. I haven't done as much as Mom has when it comes to taking care of Grandma but I still feel drained. She still has little bouts of confusion now and then and that's frustrating. And I hope you don't think any less of me because of this, but I've been using age regression as a coping mechanism (If you don't know what it is, there's TikTok compilations on YouTube that show what it is.) I don't regress to the mindset of a child, I just do things like coloring and watching cartoons and listening to songs about unicorns. Because of everything going on, I feel like I haven't been able to do that anymore. Another thing that helped me a lot was meditation. I used to listen to this one meditation that used a rose quartz stone on YouTube. But a friend of mine said not to use stones like rose quartz or whatever because it was Satanic. I mean, I'm a Christian but I don't see anythibg wrong with it. I was doing it innocently. And they mentioned gemstones in the Bible. In one of the books in it, a high priest wore different gemstones on his breastplate/armor. I don't like how I have friends who mean well but always shove their beliefs down my throat, acting like their way is the only right way. Anyways, meditation used to help me a lot but I unintentionally gave up on it. Gaming is another thing that helps me cope with stress and Disney Universe is one of the games I like to play when I'm stressed but since my XBOX is downstairs and that's where Grandma is, I've been too afraid to play it again because I don't want to too involved in the game and forget about her needs. I honestly feel like crying right now because it's only been two days that she's been home but it's been really hard. I've been giving up on things that helped me cope (unintentionally this time, though) and I'm really stressed. I just want things to go back to normal. I just want to be happy and stress-free again. IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?! I won't be able to see my friends at art class or Youth Group if we can't find anyone else in the family to watch her so if we can't, that means I have to give up on social outings that helped me to de-stress. I hope I'm not sounding selfish here. I was going to post some vent art but two things have been getting in my way. 1: Artblock has been a bitch lately.
2: I don't want people thinking I'm trying to start drama like someone said when I posted my vent art for when someone on Brawl Stars fat-shamed me in front of the whole Club. *Cough* Wolf! *Cough* I'm too afraid to vent in general sometimes because I'm worried Wolf or someone else will keep being insensitive and say that I'm only starting drama.
I can't do this anymore! All of this is too much for me to process at one time and with trying to care for Grandma and myself, I've been trying to find that balance but sometimes, I just can't seem to. I miss my friends, I miss being stress-free, I miss things being normal, I miss doing the things I used to enjoy doing. I didn't give up on them intentionally this time, though. It just happened. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have to keep living like this but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to keep going. (I'm not feeling suicidal, btw. I just mean that I don't know how much more stress I can take before I have an emotional breakdown.) I hate how I feel like I'm neglecting myself just so I can care for Grandma. I know I've given you all advice saying to make sure that you take care of yourself so you can keep caring for others but I wish it were easier for me to do that myself, especially now. Sorry that this is so long. I just have a lot to get off my chest. If you made it this far, thanks for bearing with me.