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Cmagistrelli

MediBang ID: TheBrunetteUnicorn
Mary/Female (She/Her)/20 years old--
I'm just a kid who likes gaming, drawing and a bunch of other stuff.
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CREATOR RANK CREATOR Cmagistrelli 2 years ago
I miss being a furry/JoJo fan. (Vent)

So, you know how the last time I left the furry fandom, it messed with me more than all the other times before that? Well, pretty much since then, I've noticed that I'm not as involved/interested in the fandom and I'm honestly kinda bummed about it. The last time I left, it was because of some dumbhole responding to an old YouTube comment I made and they told me not to rejoin the fandom. Apparently, they had some bad encounters with furries and now they hate all furries. Because of how they were stupid enough to respond to an OLD comment from a YEAR ago at the time, it resurfaced some memories of when I got bullied out of the fandom and that's what caused me to leave again. I don't really know if I can even call myself a furry anymore because I've unintentionally distanced myself from the fandom. And because I've heard that it keeps getting more and more toxic and I've heard more bad things about some of the popufurs I used to be a fan of, I don't know if it's worth returning to the fandom now. I stopped drawing my fursonas after a while and now I really miss them. Cupcake, Sprinkle, Garnet, Sparkles, Stardust, I miss them all so much. I used to always be excited about possibly making a fursuit of one of my fursonas but now I just think that would just be a waste of money, energy and time, as well as it just being really embarrassing. Yesterday, I told Mom that I would never be caught dead dressing up like a big, colorful cartoon animal and to some extent, I'm serious. I'm just not willing to risk getting bullied to death again over something that was just an innocent hobby for me. And if you remember the whole Gamers vs Furries "war" on TikTok from 2018 (I was 14 then), some gamers said you can't be a gamer and a furry at the same time. You could only be one or the other. And I've been an avid gamer for quite a while so I'm not upset about that but I really wish I could go back to being 12 years old and just getting into the furry fandom. I wish I could see how it felt to be part of another fandom that made me feel normal again. (The My Little Pony/Brony fandom was the first one I joined that made me feel normal. After that was the furry fandom.) I just miss those days. And I've also unintentionally distanced myself from the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fandom and I miss being a part of that one, too. I stopped watching the anime after a while, I stopped drawing fanart of/cosplaying as my comfort characters from the show and I just kinda lost interest in hearing about the Part 6 anime coming out. I also miss when I first joined that fandom. I was 16 at the time. I miss all my comfort characters, especially Jotaro, Dio, Polnareff, Kakyoin, Jolyne, Josuke and Star Platinum. I don't know why I lost interest in both fandoms but all I know is that this time, I didn't actively choose to leave/distance myself from either one. It just happened on its own. But at the same time, because of how both fandoms have such a bad reputation and because they keep becoming more and more toxic, I don't know if it's worth going back to either one so I don't know what to do here. I don't know why I let random things like this bother me. I feel stupid for it.

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CREATOR RANK CREATOR Cmagistrelli 2 years ago
Another reason why I haven't posted yet

Apart from me needing to free up some space on my phone before I post any new drawings, I've also partially lost the motivation to do so because my mental/emotional states still aren't the best. They haven't been since last year and I'm still on that mental decline I've talked about before. Another family member passed yesterday and it mentally fucked me up more than I thought it would. I was still grieving for my grandma, my godmother and my cat so this just adds something else to my plate and I don't know how I'll deal with it. I've lost interest in everything I'd normally be doing and I gave up on one of the coping mechanisms I had that really helped me before but now I can't get it back so that makes me feel even worse. I really don't feel like myself right now and it makes me a little nervous because I don't know how long this feeling will last. Because of all this, I've lost all motivation to do even simple things that might help me. And I don't know if coping with the stress/grief is a good thing because a guy in a Discord server I'm in said that coping is a self-destructive behavior and it keeps you from growing as a person. It doesn't matter if it's healthy or not, he just sees coping with anything in any way is bad. I don't know if he's right or not. I haven't been able to think clearly since all of this crap started. I really don't know what to do because I'm really being pushed to my limits and I don't know how much more I can take before I really break.

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CREATOR RANK CREATOR Cmagistrelli 2 years ago
I fucking hate myself. (Vent/Rant)

I hate being as cringy as I am. Everything I do/like is cringy to so many people and I'm ashamed of myself for it. I hate myself for all those stupid age regression related vent posts I made last year, I hate myself for being involved with age regression in general since so many people hate it, I hate myself for how I used to be a furry and an FNAF fan because recently, someone on Discord said that being a furry/Fnaf fan is basically bestiality, I hate myself for being an MLP fan since I got bullied for it a lot when I was younger, I hate being a Brawl Stars fan since a friend of mine bullied me pretty badly for it when I was 16 and because someone said that everyone in the fandom is either a pedo, a zoophile, a necrophile, a robophile, a homophobe or some other bad thing depending on who your favorite characters are in the game and since Poco is my biggest comfort character (I hate admitting this but I kind of see him as a friend, even though he's fictional) and he's a skeleton, that apparently makes me a horrible person according to that dumb bitch; I hate myself for being a cosplayer since people say cosplayers are immature for wearing costumes before/after Halloween, I hate being a JoJo fan since I got bullied for liking that anime and since Dio was one of my favorite characters, I'd probably be considered a "crazy Dio fan" solely because of that, I hate myself for being as childlike as I am at 18 because I am literally a fucking adult now! I can't keep acting like a child! I need to fucking grow up sooner or later, right? I hate myself for liking cute things/the kawaii aesthetic because a few years agi I saw someone say it's creepy to be a teen/adult that likes cutesy, pastel things. I hate myself for being a gamer since a lot of people still don't accept female gamers. I hate myself for all the cringy things I did when I was really young even though I know everyone has done at least one thing they cringe at when they look back on it. I hate myself for not being who my family (specifically my asshole aunt and uncle) expect me to be. I hate myself for liking unicorns when I'm 18 now. Somebody posted something online when I was 14 saying how people over the age of 13 can't like unicorns because apparently, they're only for kids. I hate how I can't be myself anymore because of my crippling fear of being ridiculed for everything. That's why I gave up on so many things I loved even though I knew they were harmless. It fucking hurts like Hell! I hate having to give up on what makes me happy just to keep everyone else happy. It still drives me fucking insane! I hate myself so much. I wish I could just be normal instead of being what most people online would consider to be a "fatherless child". Then again, my parents separated before I was born so I'm wondering if I'm as weird as I am because my dad was never really a part of my life. I wish I would have listened to all the people who told me to be like everyone else because being different is just becoming too hard for me. I hate not being able to be myself anymore. I fucking hate it with every fucking molecule, cell and atom in my fucking being! I swear, if I have to give on something else that I like just because of some asshole telling me to, I'm going to go fucking insane! I am so tired of being that one person that everyone hates just because she's not "normal". I just wish I could be a normal, mature, 18-year-old girl yet here I am, being the same unicorn-obsessed womanchild that I've always been. I'm tired of being different! I'm tired of being ridiculed for everything! I'm tired of my own family trying to get me to be someone I'm not! I'm tired of people not taking me seriously! I'm tired of being the butt of so many jokes! I'm tired of owing everyone an explanation for every single fucking thing I do! I'm just so fucking tired of it all! I can't fucking take it anymore!

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